more proof that my body hates me

if you've never been tested for allergies and you're thinking it might be a good idea, you should probably consider how much you're willing to have your life ruined prior to making that appointment. especially if you currently enjoy eating, being outside, being inside, sleeping, etc.

i'm serious.

the most common test for allergen sensitivity is a scratch test. basically a little pin sized plastic needle containing a concentrated form of an allergen is pricked into your skin and in fifteen minutes, based on the skin's reaction, the doctor will determine whether or not you are allergic to said allergen/the degree of which your life will be ruined.

i had several blocks of scratch needles pressed into my back testing for both environmental and food allergies. the nurse left the room for ten minutes and when she returned she saw my back and decided "oh dear!" was really the only way to express the nightmare that was taking place. it looked like i had been bitten by dozens of mosquitos in tidy little rows and itched like you'd expect dozens of mosquito bites to itch. SO ITCHY.

it turns out i'm allergic to life. great. i'm SO happy i decided this was a good idea.

in addition to trees (especially birch for some reason), grass, house plants, dust, dust mites (gross), carpeting, air, etc. i was told that i was moderately to extremely allergic to peanuts/peanut products and soy. you might be thinking "that sucks dude, peanuts are god damn delicious! but, how many foods contain soy anyway?" ALL THE FOODS CONTAIN SOY. go look in your fridge and cupboards and see for yourself. it's in fucking everything. also, given the fact that i routinely enjoy PURE SOY in the form of tofu, soy milk, edamame, and veggie burgers SEVERAL TIMES A WEEK, and that my FAVOURITE FOOD (pad thai) contains both peanuts AND soy, i'm basically fucked.

goodbye my lover.

for three weeks i have to keep a detailed diary of everything i eat and eliminate ALL soy and peanut stuffs from my life. so, basically my choices are a) continue to feel like a sack of crap at all times OR b) eat nothing but fruits and vegetables (which have to be peeled first because the wax that makes them shiny is PURE soy). i can't really decide which option is worse.

also, i'm allergic to ALL the animals, especially dogs. ESPECIALLY DOGS??? believe me when i say i knew at that moment how most women probably feel when they're told they're unable to have children. pretty much the only dream i had left in life was to one day have 2-4 dogs. goodbye dream! why i assumed i could experience limitless joy i'll never know.

that's ok. i didn't really love you more than anything on earth that much anyway...

in addition to the above unimaginable misery, i have to be tested for celiac disease.

Celiac disease is an autoimmune digestive disease that damages the villi of the small intestine and interferes with absorption of nutrients from food. What does this mean? Essentially the body is attacking itself every time a person with celiac consumes gluten.

remember that horrible fear i had about only being allowed to eat lemon water?

now i have to carry an EPI PEN with me at all times just in case i eat something and turn into a blueberry. great.

i feel like it's a bit unnecessary, but knowing my luck, if i didn't have one i'd have to be rolled down to the juicing room at once.

my life is a farce.

love and lemon water,
so pauvre