crimmas

you may have noticed that i have a moderate to extreme stress management problem. i also have irrational expectations that i should be able to effortlessly martha stewart my way through life without the help of amphetamines. (acceptance is the first step to recovery.) my martha complex is especially powerful during any occasion that requires special treats, decorations, crafts, activities, signature cocktails, etc. so basically every holiday - the mother of all being christmas. "making gifts for everyone i know (wrapped in handmade paper and antique ribbons), baking dozens of assorted perfect baked goods (wrapped in printed glassine paper and matching baker's twine), training white doves wearing tiny hand-knit scarves to deliver my hand letter pressed christmas cards, and - if there's time - raise my own turkey from an egg (and feed it only whole grains and butter for nine months). piece of (red velvet) cake (with cream cheese butter cream made from butter i churned earlier this morning after milking my prize-winning holsteins)... you get the idea.

so, my regular stress (ranging from "serious problem" to "danger to society" levels) combined with my christmas stress (ranging from "murderous" to "extremely murderous" equals no bueno. this year the entire month of december was emotionally and physically exhausting. most nights i would get home from work and just break down in tears. christmas really has a way of bringing out the WORST in people. fortunately for everyone involved they give me xanex like it was tic tacs in this country, and i have a bear - both possess the ability to bring me down to a "i'm still concerned for your well being, but at least you put the knife down" level.


i had one precious day off before i had to deal with rabid boxing day (i guess it isn't called boxing day here, but whatevs) shoppers who were literally lined up outside the store an hour before we opened. i hate them. ALL OF THEM.

bear and i decided to exchange presents on christmas eve this year. did you know bears are highly skilled at present buying and gift wrapping? because they are. i love packaging almost as much as i love what's inside, and bear always picks out the pinkest, sparkliest wrap for my presents.

presents for a fox!

i tried get creative with bear's presents this year and just ended up getting glitter in everything.

presents for a bear!

bear wishes that he could "live the santa lifestyle" because: 1. santa only works one day a year, 2. he makes children happy without making direct contact with them, 3. he has access to ALL the toys, and 4. he gets to eat milk and cookies for 24 straight hours. mostly i think he just likes the hat. also, please note that bear grew his beard for the entire month so it would be "more santa like".

a fox, a santa bear, and a beard.

one of my beautifully wrapped pink gifts was the lala loopsy crumbs sugar cookie party playset because i'm an adult woman.

did i mention i got marina anchors and suzette la sweet for my birthday? because i did. bear and i spend more time in toy stores and toy departments than anyone i know with children. usually while bear is off in "the boy aisle" with the transformers and imaginext batmans, i go wherever there is pink. if you're a functional adult and you're confused right now, you can learn about lalas here. i love them.

also, my christmas card bounty made me SO happy this year. if you sent me one - thank you! if you didn't - see me after class.

christmas day was blissfully snow-free. i guess i have heat miser to thank for that.
however, bear made me some beautiful paper snowflakes that i taped to the window because i like them. i told him that every time i tried to make them in school i would end up with two halves. apparently my impatience and lack of attention span were as rampant then as they are now. unlike me, bear LOVES meticulous projects. have you ever seen better snowflakes? because i haven't.


upstairs on christmas day we exchanged presents with bear's family and ate too much christmas dinner. as the great louis c.k. once said - "the meal isn't over when i'm full, it's over when i hate myself." basically.

we spent the rest of the day watching MORE christmas movies and playing with our new toys. i ALMOST forgot that i had to go to work the next morning and that i missed my friends and family back in the great white north... but then i remembered. so i had some egg nog (which by the way, as my canadian friends probably already know, is called "lait de poule" en française which literally means "chicken milk/ milk of chicken"). and cookies. and xanex. (please don't call intervention.)


i hope that everyone enjoyed/survived/drank enough to tolerate christmas this year. i'm personally beyond relieved that it's over, and even though i had to stifle my inner martha for the sake of what's left of my sanity, i think i still did ok. that being said, maybe i should start working on that turkey egg...

love and chicken milk,
so pauvre