fantastic four

today is so pauvre's fourth birthday!
4 years, 983 posts, hundreds of cupcakes, and countless self-destructive rage spirals... how time flies when you're having fun.

(source: vintage confections)

when i started so pauvre i was living a very different life than i am now. as i've mentioned on several occasions, my twenties were mostly a series of hilariously bad decisions and complete emotional breakdown. i was CONSTANTLY trying to "get my shit together" only to fail miserably time and time again. my severely disordered eating had reached its peak as i tried replacing food with a number of destructive behaviours that did NOT assist in the getting together of my shit. i was living on the fine line between denial and more denial, was drinking HEAVILY, and digging a grave of debt for myself that i'm still trying to climb out of. quel désastre.

i've learned a few things in the last four years. william blake said "the path of excess leads to the palace/tower of wisdom", and oh how wise i have become. please feel free to learn from my mistakes.

1. debt.

- don't get into debt. just fucking DON'T DO IT. if you're in it, do everything possible to get out of it because it WILL eat away at your soul like something that eats souls slowly and painfully.

2. things and stuff.

- you don't need them. most of my possessions have been piled in momca's basement for the last two years and i've lived without them. maybe 10% of what i own i actually need.

3. credit cards.

- FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY DO NOT GET A CREDIT CARD.

4. self esteem.

- it has NOTHING to do with what you look like, how much you weigh, or how much shit you have in your closet.

5. men.

- most of them are worse than rats. don't let them ruin you.
- some of them are bears. marry the bears.

6. food.

- it's not the enemy.

7. sleep.

- you need it.

8. depression and anxiety.

- it's a disease, not a choice.
- medication is your friend.

9. body image.

- comparison to others = el diablo.

10. post-secondary education.

- a farce.

11. life.

- it will never go according to plan. EVER. like, never ever ever. ever.
__________

i had to learn that shit the hard way. in some cases, the hardest possible way. i'm 31 now and most of the time i still feel like a terrified 18 year-old trying to understand what the point is, how to not fuck it up AGAIN, and how to make it better. every day i try not to be an albatross corpse hanging around bear's neck, and to be strong in the face of CONSTANT bullshit, ignorance, and stupidity. sometimes i want to bury myself in the backyard. sometimes (most times) i want to hulk smash everything and (especially) everyone. sometimes i look at bear and try to understand why he hasn't run away screaming yet and to see in myself what he sees in me. sometimes i watch seven children of the corn movies in a row just so my brain will shut down and i don't have to think about ANYTHING except how shitty five out of seven of those movies were...

in four more years i'll be 35. how much shit do you think i'll have to wade through between now and then? will i finally attend anger management therapy? will my skin still retain the youthful glow of a 21 year -old? only time will tell...

happy fourth birthday so pauvre. you lived longer than anyone ever expected.