crimmas

you may have noticed that i have a moderate to extreme stress management problem. i also have irrational expectations that i should be able to effortlessly martha stewart my way through life without the help of amphetamines. (acceptance is the first step to recovery.) my martha complex is especially powerful during any occasion that requires special treats, decorations, crafts, activities, signature cocktails, etc. so basically every holiday - the mother of all being christmas. "making gifts for everyone i know (wrapped in handmade paper and antique ribbons), baking dozens of assorted perfect baked goods (wrapped in printed glassine paper and matching baker's twine), training white doves wearing tiny hand-knit scarves to deliver my hand letter pressed christmas cards, and - if there's time - raise my own turkey from an egg (and feed it only whole grains and butter for nine months). piece of (red velvet) cake (with cream cheese butter cream made from butter i churned earlier this morning after milking my prize-winning holsteins)... you get the idea.

so, my regular stress (ranging from "serious problem" to "danger to society" levels) combined with my christmas stress (ranging from "murderous" to "extremely murderous" equals no bueno. this year the entire month of december was emotionally and physically exhausting. most nights i would get home from work and just break down in tears. christmas really has a way of bringing out the WORST in people. fortunately for everyone involved they give me xanex like it was tic tacs in this country, and i have a bear - both possess the ability to bring me down to a "i'm still concerned for your well being, but at least you put the knife down" level.


i had one precious day off before i had to deal with rabid boxing day (i guess it isn't called boxing day here, but whatevs) shoppers who were literally lined up outside the store an hour before we opened. i hate them. ALL OF THEM.

bear and i decided to exchange presents on christmas eve this year. did you know bears are highly skilled at present buying and gift wrapping? because they are. i love packaging almost as much as i love what's inside, and bear always picks out the pinkest, sparkliest wrap for my presents.

presents for a fox!

i tried get creative with bear's presents this year and just ended up getting glitter in everything.

presents for a bear!

bear wishes that he could "live the santa lifestyle" because: 1. santa only works one day a year, 2. he makes children happy without making direct contact with them, 3. he has access to ALL the toys, and 4. he gets to eat milk and cookies for 24 straight hours. mostly i think he just likes the hat. also, please note that bear grew his beard for the entire month so it would be "more santa like".

a fox, a santa bear, and a beard.

one of my beautifully wrapped pink gifts was the lala loopsy crumbs sugar cookie party playset because i'm an adult woman.

did i mention i got marina anchors and suzette la sweet for my birthday? because i did. bear and i spend more time in toy stores and toy departments than anyone i know with children. usually while bear is off in "the boy aisle" with the transformers and imaginext batmans, i go wherever there is pink. if you're a functional adult and you're confused right now, you can learn about lalas here. i love them.

also, my christmas card bounty made me SO happy this year. if you sent me one - thank you! if you didn't - see me after class.

christmas day was blissfully snow-free. i guess i have heat miser to thank for that.
however, bear made me some beautiful paper snowflakes that i taped to the window because i like them. i told him that every time i tried to make them in school i would end up with two halves. apparently my impatience and lack of attention span were as rampant then as they are now. unlike me, bear LOVES meticulous projects. have you ever seen better snowflakes? because i haven't.


upstairs on christmas day we exchanged presents with bear's family and ate too much christmas dinner. as the great louis c.k. once said - "the meal isn't over when i'm full, it's over when i hate myself." basically.

we spent the rest of the day watching MORE christmas movies and playing with our new toys. i ALMOST forgot that i had to go to work the next morning and that i missed my friends and family back in the great white north... but then i remembered. so i had some egg nog (which by the way, as my canadian friends probably already know, is called "lait de poule" en française which literally means "chicken milk/ milk of chicken"). and cookies. and xanex. (please don't call intervention.)


i hope that everyone enjoyed/survived/drank enough to tolerate christmas this year. i'm personally beyond relieved that it's over, and even though i had to stifle my inner martha for the sake of what's left of my sanity, i think i still did ok. that being said, maybe i should start working on that turkey egg...

love and chicken milk,
so pauvre

masters of the christmas universe

in addition to our regularly scheduled christmas viewing this year, bear and i were treated to some hidden holiday gems courtesy of netflix instant that we couldn't resist. first in our christmas queue was a timeless classic - he-man & she-ra: a christmas special. we're talking quality entertainment here people.

After accidentally landing on Earth, Orko returns to Eternia with a Christmas tree and two children who explain the holiday's meaning. Fearing the Christmas spirit could thwart his evil, Horde Prime orders Skeletor to kidnap the little Earthlings.

instead of being terrified of a floating magic alien, miguel (yes, miguel) and his sister alicia (hooray!) taught orko the true meaning of christmas. it's not just about presents you know.

then there were giant robots for some reason...

half man, half machine = "manchines"

skeletor kidnapped the children on a flying jet ski. obviously.

also, manchine puppy.

skeletor was overcome by the christmas spirit and saved the children (and manchine puppy) from hordak. an identity crisis most likely ensued.

instead of taking down skeletor in his moment of weakness, everyone just laughed. oh skeletor, you loveable scamp!

the children were returned to their parents on earth and then there was an awkward christmas party on eternia. like, SUPER awkward.

presumably he-man and she-ra realize they're brother and sister, skeletor gives up evil forever, and manchine puppy is trained to be an attack dog at castle greyskull... the end.

love and manchines,
so pauvre

and to all a goodnight

well children, it's christmas eve, which means i successfully didn't kill anyone for the duration of the holiday shopping season. hooray! i hope that anyone still shopping dies a horrible, fiery death.

anywho, i hope that everyone has a happy christmas and that aunt clara gives you exactly what you want this year.


love and pink nightmares,
so pauvre

fröhliche weihnachten!

well children, christmas is a week away (thank newborn baby jesus) and in an attempt to momentarily relieve me of my retail exhaustion/humbuggery bear took me to christkindlmarkt, a christmas market in the heart of bethlehem, which is actually known as "the christmas city". christmas!


the market was at steel stacks - an arts and culture centre on the grounds of the former bethlehem steel plant. i spent most of my life in a steel plant ghost town, so the sight of them is nothing new to me, however, bethelem steel was a BEHEMOTH. i read that at one time it actually stretched across ten miles of land and was one of the most powerful symbols of american industrial manufacturing - now nothing more than a monument. sadness.

because it was so dark i couldn't really get pictures of how opposing this place was, thank goodness it was illuminated with christmas lights and music or i would have run away crying. plus, everyone knows that abandoned steel works are TEEMING with ghosts.

rest in peace our lady of blast furnaces.

anywho... back to christkindlmarkt. and yes, everything is german here. (notice the "eingang" sign at the entrance) who needs berlin when you can have eastern pennsylvania? i mean really.

as usual, i was mostly interested in the food situation, and while bear got down to some sweet live oom pah christmas music, i was already in line at fat daddy's barbecue. my pulled pork lust haunts me like the ghosts of a hundred dead pigs. (sorry piggys, you really shouldn't have allowed yourselves to be so delicious.)

as i was inhaling my sandwich, i noticed a sign for deep fried pickles, which are a rare treat here for some reason. you'd think since they deep fry literally EVERYTHING else, why not toss some pickles in there? but they don't. so it wasn't even a question that those were being eaten immediately following our porkwiches.

worth the price of admission.

once we finally stopped eating for long enough to be aware of our surroundings, we wandered around the market trying not to make eye contact with any of the vendors. i'm not really into hideous handmade jewellery, wooden cutting boards, or beeswax sculptures, but what i am into is weird/adorable german folk art ornaments!

get on my christmas tree.

i selected one extra special german friend to come home with us and live on margot junior - you'll meet him later on - but for now, do you sometimes feel like you're wasting your life by not being able to finely craft winter scenes out of wood that feature tiny wooden people finely crafting tiny toys out of wood? because i do.

son of a bitch.

to ease the pain of my wasted life - pumpkin rice pudding to the rescue! seriously, PUMPKIN. RICE. PUDDING. then i felt like i was wasting my life not having a pudding booth at local events...

you bastard.

so then i had to get german warm candied almonds to ease THAT pain. thankfully there was a bear wearing lederhosen on the cone to distract me from wanting to build my own german nut cart.

so do you think they have like, nut supply suppliers or what?

when we got home i kept bear awake half the night discussing my need to own some type of mobile food wagon, how being around people makes me hate people, and how we need to learn how to make tiny wooden things making other tiny wooden things. i bet he sure is glad he took me to christkindlmarkt. seriously, how does he live with me?

i don't know either, but i'm glad he does.

speaking of with pride & joy hand made in germany...

my new little christmas tree friend! i think he's a mushroom elf, but i'm not really sure. all i know is that i love him. look at him!!! how was i NOT supposed to buy him??? i'm not made of stone.

i think he's pretty excited to be living in margot junior with the knowledge that he will not be packed away with the rest of the christmas things. ever. because i love him.

i can't even.

today is my last day off until christmas and yes, i'll most likely be dead by wednesday. how are people STILL christmas shopping and being shocked that things are picked over??? (both things are directly my fault by the way.) you know it's coming on december 25th EVERY YEAR EVER. get it together assholes.

love and german christmas wishes,
so pauvre

fantastic four

today is so pauvre's fourth birthday!
4 years, 983 posts, hundreds of cupcakes, and countless self-destructive rage spirals... how time flies when you're having fun.

(source: vintage confections)

when i started so pauvre i was living a very different life than i am now. as i've mentioned on several occasions, my twenties were mostly a series of hilariously bad decisions and complete emotional breakdown. i was CONSTANTLY trying to "get my shit together" only to fail miserably time and time again. my severely disordered eating had reached its peak as i tried replacing food with a number of destructive behaviours that did NOT assist in the getting together of my shit. i was living on the fine line between denial and more denial, was drinking HEAVILY, and digging a grave of debt for myself that i'm still trying to climb out of. quel désastre.

i've learned a few things in the last four years. william blake said "the path of excess leads to the palace/tower of wisdom", and oh how wise i have become. please feel free to learn from my mistakes.

1. debt.

- don't get into debt. just fucking DON'T DO IT. if you're in it, do everything possible to get out of it because it WILL eat away at your soul like something that eats souls slowly and painfully.

2. things and stuff.

- you don't need them. most of my possessions have been piled in momca's basement for the last two years and i've lived without them. maybe 10% of what i own i actually need.

3. credit cards.

- FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY DO NOT GET A CREDIT CARD.

4. self esteem.

- it has NOTHING to do with what you look like, how much you weigh, or how much shit you have in your closet.

5. men.

- most of them are worse than rats. don't let them ruin you.
- some of them are bears. marry the bears.

6. food.

- it's not the enemy.

7. sleep.

- you need it.

8. depression and anxiety.

- it's a disease, not a choice.
- medication is your friend.

9. body image.

- comparison to others = el diablo.

10. post-secondary education.

- a farce.

11. life.

- it will never go according to plan. EVER. like, never ever ever. ever.
__________

i had to learn that shit the hard way. in some cases, the hardest possible way. i'm 31 now and most of the time i still feel like a terrified 18 year-old trying to understand what the point is, how to not fuck it up AGAIN, and how to make it better. every day i try not to be an albatross corpse hanging around bear's neck, and to be strong in the face of CONSTANT bullshit, ignorance, and stupidity. sometimes i want to bury myself in the backyard. sometimes (most times) i want to hulk smash everything and (especially) everyone. sometimes i look at bear and try to understand why he hasn't run away screaming yet and to see in myself what he sees in me. sometimes i watch seven children of the corn movies in a row just so my brain will shut down and i don't have to think about ANYTHING except how shitty five out of seven of those movies were...

in four more years i'll be 35. how much shit do you think i'll have to wade through between now and then? will i finally attend anger management therapy? will my skin still retain the youthful glow of a 21 year -old? only time will tell...

happy fourth birthday so pauvre. you lived longer than anyone ever expected.

the return of pink christmas

this is my second christmas in pennsylvania, and the second christmas i've wistfully lamented my beloved margot tannenbaum - cold and alone in momca's basement, bringing sparkly, pink christmas joy to NO ONE. especially me.

possibly because he wanted me to shut the hell up about my damn tree, possibly because he loves me for some reason, bear came home from work on thursday with two big presents that he said were from santa (i love him). inside one was a little pink christmas tree (margot junior), and the other held a little pink tree skirt, pink ornaments, and a sparkly pink star for the top. sometimes bear does things that make me cry.

now thanks to santa bear our home is filled with the warm, glowing, warming pink glow of christmas once again, and for the benefit of all involved, my festive rage levels have lowered from "murderous" to "moderately disgruntled".


when everything else in my life is THE WORST there always seems to to be a bear with pink christmas tree to make things better.

love and pink sparkles,
so pauvre

gingerbread cookies: a thought process

1. i made bear buy me an $8 jar of ground cloves. i should probably make gingerbread cookies.

2. hooray for baking! i love cookies!



3. why is this taking FOREVER?

4. now i have to DECORATE them??? great. (SO TIRED.)

5. these sprinkles taste a little past their prime... oh well. sprinkle sprinkle!

6. FUUUUUUHHHH. who thought this was a good idea???

7. ooh! i'm actually getting pretty good at this! cookies!


6. have i been working on these for seven hours???

7. son of a bitch.


8. who made this effing mess??? i hate cookies.



9. i accidentally ate all the cookies.

love and christmas lobsters,
so pauvre

general humbuggery

so, we've pretty much established that i hate EVERYTHING for the duration of the yuletide season (more than i usually hate it). i actually really want to punch life in the face right now, but my hand is cramped from counting money at work. seriously.

a customer actually told me she felt sorry for me because i have to work in a living nightmare. my very existence was so soaked in sadness that it actually caused her emotional anguish.

it's the most wonderful time of the year.

all i want to do is eat gingerbread cookies and drink white peppermint mochas until my brain hemorrhages, but instead i have to pretend that i'm not thinking about beating people to death with a roll of wrapping paper all day.

and it's only december fourth.


like most things, i have a love/hate relationship with christmas.

love:

- everything is coated in glitter and smells like cinnamon
- heavy emphasis on baked goods
- band aid
- christmas lights
- christmas cards
- rankin/bass specials
- nog

hate:

- everything else
____________

christmas happens every year, so you really don't have to get nuts. just calm the hell down and STOP SHOPPING for five fucking minutes so you can actually enjoy the lights and the cookies instead of begrudgingly adding them to your already too long to-do list. extended mall hours do not a holiday make.

is it january yet?
love so pauvre