so pauvre

cookies and brownies

2012-01-27T15:52:00.000-05:00

it's girl scout cookie time here in eastern pennsylvania and i have the fever. as i write this i'm ravaging a box of caramel delites fantastic mr. fox style.

in the great white north, instead of girl scouts we have girl guides. they both have cookies, but obviously in america they literally have nine more kinds of cookies than their canadian counterparts. and obviously i want to eat ALL the cookies. it helps the children you guys.

once upon a time, yours pauvre was a brownie - basically a junior girl guide/scout/whatever. i had a little brown dress and little brown knee socks and a little brown sash and i sold little blue boxes of girl guide cookies for fun and profit. i know, adorable.

i'm not really a saver of things, but for some reason i've held onto my brownie badge sash for the last 24 years. i like badges ok? most of my brownie badges are for things i still like to do, which is weird and spooky. you'll also notice i successfully avoided ALL of the camping/wilderness survival badges. what am i, some kind of animal?

paper dolls: friendship
birthday cake: baking
lute/mandolin/guitar/generic stringed instrument: music
palette and paintbrush: art
snowflake: "winter adventure" (i hate winter. it was mandatory.)
parchment and quill: writing
teapot: hostessing (for real.)
bee: rushmore beekeepers (it's actually the "thrift" badge. i don't know why it's a bee. i remember saving up to by a barbie and the rockers view-master to earn it. clearly worth rewarding.)

oh my beloved badges, how i love you. if that sash wasn't the size of a headband i'd be wearing it RIGHT NOW as i work hard to earn my badges for cookie consumption, starbucks appreciation, and expert bloggery.

who wants to join the pauvre scouts?
love so pauvre

when your life is on tv

2012-01-22T14:26:00.000-05:00

parks and rec hit home this week when andy, after suffering a mild concussion, has a so pauvre-like visit to the doctor:

doctor: anything else bothering you?

andy: i've got a weird rash in my knee pit area. and my tongue on this side doesn't taste anything anymore. sometimes when i walk my ankles make, like, a weird rattlesnake sound. what else? things that are far away from my eyes are fuzzy. i once ate a twix with a wrapper on it, and i've never seen the wrapper come out. also, i've swallowed every piece of gum i've chewed for the past 25 years. i don't know. i broke my thumb on the way over here...

andy's doctor then refers him to several ologists:

even though andy is a fictional character, i feel comforted that i'm not alone in my quest for wellness.

i have two more ologist visits and a dentist appointment in the next two weeks, then i'm just going to apply for med school.

love so pauvre

'nana cakes

2012-01-19T22:21:00.000-05:00

these banana cupcakes are dedicated to paula deen's diabetes.

four sticks of butter y'all!
love so pauvre

if it's soy-free, it's for me

2012-01-17T21:10:00.001-05:00

as you know, i was recently diagnosed with a VERY ANNOYING soy allergy. apparently i didn't have enough shit to deal with when i wasn't allergic to food... but whatever.

the true nightmare of my soy allergy, aside from it being in ALL THE FOOD, is that i can't eat chocolate. CHOCOLATE. that's a problem for me. chocolate has soy lecithin in it - an emulsifier that keeps the cocoa and cocoa butter in chocolate from separating. for most of my life i've eaten a minimum of two chocolate bars a day. MINIMUM. (i have a problem ok?) so cutting out all non- four dollars a bar, organic, free trade, soy-free chocolate that ONE company makes has been a big adjustment. after giving up chips, chocolate was my only friend, so now i'm sad and lonely. i'm aware that i shouldn't need salty snacks and sweet treats to be happy, but right now i do. it's winter. jeez.

don't tempt me wonka. we both know that river is PURE soy.

bear, being the bear that he is, is always looking for ways to ease my suffering for the benefit of us both. he's very good at that. last night he made me an entirely soy-free chocolate milkshake with haagen-dazs chocolate ice cream (a lot of haagen-dazs flavours are soy-free!) and home-made chocolate syrup that he made just for me! i love him.

i was left unsupervised with the remaining ice cream and chocolate syrup today... rest in peace friends.

so i guess in the case of my chocolate addiction vs. my soy allergy all hope is not lost - but as for my chocolate addiction vs. my will power... let's just say that's one war i will never win. or that i even want to fight. ever.

love and lecithin,
so pauvre

solutioning problems

2012-01-13T13:22:00.001-05:00

sorry for the cobwebs around here, i've been abnormally pre-occupied and frustrated with my "problems that need solutioning" to-do list. much like jay-z, i got 99 problems. but now he has a kid, so i figure that's an even hundo for h to the izzo. so i guess what i'm trying to say is that i'm better than jay-z? that must be it. although, jay-z has money, and that would solve like 88 of my problems, so let's just call it squarsies.

as usual, i'm overwhelmed. and also as usual, that makes me want to not do anything. i'm hulk-smash level frustrated and i hate everything. as usual. most of the problems that need solutioning are out of my control and i'm not ok with that. AT ALL.

my blood work came back normal, so again i'm left feeling relieved that nothing is wrong - but at the same time i feel like a bag of crap - so what's the damn problem???

also, it's snowing.

i'm going back into my duvet burrito. forever.
love so pauvre

feelin' hormonal

2012-01-06T14:01:00.000-05:00

i'm still in a state of brutal misandry, excessive melancholy, and other such synonyms for wanting to smash. however, i've taken to pouring bailey's in my ice cream and and that seems to be helping slightly. also, i've discovered that browsing the container store's website is like some kind of obsessive compulsive porn for me and i may have accidentally ordered a holiday wrap tote... dude, it fits 40 inch rolls - it's not like i had a choice here. danger bay or not, storage solutions soothe me.

anywho, i went to another ologist last week - this time of the endocrine variety. your endocrine system is basically what regulates how your body functions, and thanks to my life sucking, i have a faulty one. i was recently diagnosed with hypothyroidism after years of being told by doctors that i was just a fat, lazy asshole. my endocrinologist was pretty impressed that i had already seen several other ologists and assured me that i'm not a fat, lazy asshole, but my thyroid is, so he increased my medication in an attempt to get that shit under control. fingers crossed.

if it wasn't so cute i'd be really mad.

i was also tested for B12 deficiency again, and since i already take B12 supplements and still have ALL of the symptoms, i might have to get a B12 shot once a month because why wouldn't i have to? i get the results next week.

all i wanted was to stop feeling like a bag of garbage, which was definitely too much to ask. in the meantime, i guess it's back to the container store. ribbon dispensers are a necessity, right?

love and storage solutions,
so pauvre

crappy new year

2012-01-03T22:05:00.000-05:00

well children, i made it to day three of the new year before i officially started to hate everything again. no, that's a lie - i never stopped hating anything.

i REFUSE to be optimistic about anything anything anymore, because every time i do, life punches me in the face and i end up back at square one. or negative square one. or however many squares that day's disaster has set me back. i have no resolutions this year as i have enough problems already without putting effort into things i hate that are good for me or looking forward to things that will never happen.

i started working with a 19 year-old girl at the store and i'm slowly destroying all her dreams. someone has to, right? i actually wish someone would have destroyed mine at an earlier age so that i didn't waste precious years believing i could achieve anything through hard work and self-sacrifice. what a fucking insane notion that was.

basically i'm exhausted and frustrated, and i'm averaging a half gallon of häagen-dazs (sprinkled with xanex) every two days as a result. 2012 better fucking deliver or i'm chopping everyone's heads off. everyone's.

"i hate you! i hate you! i hate you!"

so hooray for a new year of hellish new possibilities! i can't wait to see what fresh new nightmares await me tomorrow!

love and rampant cynicism,
so pauvre

2012

2012-01-01T16:29:00.005-05:00

and so it begins.
love so pauvre

p.s. thank you to meliss (and the east amherst postal elves) for the amazing canada 2012 mittens!

crimmas

2011-12-27T01:02:00.000-05:00

you may have noticed that i have a moderate to extreme stress management problem. i also have irrational expectations that i should be able to effortlessly martha stewart my way through life without the help of amphetamines. (acceptance is the first step to recovery.) my martha complex is especially powerful during any occasion that requires special treats, decorations, crafts, activities, signature cocktails, etc. so basically every holiday - the mother of all being christmas. "making gifts for everyone i know (wrapped in handmade paper and antique ribbons), baking dozens of assorted perfect baked goods (wrapped in printed glassine paper and matching baker's twine), training white doves wearing tiny hand-knit scarves to deliver my hand letter pressed christmas cards, and - if there's time - raise my own turkey from an egg (and feed it only whole grains and butter for nine months). piece of (red velvet) cake (with cream cheese butter cream made from butter i churned earlier this morning after milking my prize-winning holsteins)... you get the idea.

so, my regular stress (ranging from "serious problem" to "danger to society" levels) combined with my christmas stress (ranging from "murderous" to "extremely murderous" equals no bueno. this year the entire month of december was emotionally and physically exhausting. most nights i would get home from work and just break down in tears. christmas really has a way of bringing out the WORST in people. fortunately for everyone involved they give me xanex like it was tic tacs in this country, and i have a bear - both possess the ability to bring me down to a "i'm still concerned for your well being, but at least you put the knife down" level.

i had one precious day off before i had to deal with rabid boxing day (i guess it isn't called boxing day here, but whatevs) shoppers who were literally lined up outside the store an hour before we opened. i hate them. ALL OF THEM.

bear and i decided to exchange presents on christmas eve this year. did you know bears are highly skilled at present buying and gift wrapping? because they are. i love packaging almost as much as i love what's inside, and bear always picks out the pinkest, sparkliest wrap for my presents.

presents for a fox!

i tried get creative with bear's presents this year and just ended up getting glitter in everything.

presents for a bear!

bear wishes that he could "live the santa lifestyle" because: 1. santa only works one day a year, 2. he makes children happy without making direct contact with them, 3. he has access to ALL the toys, and 4. he gets to eat milk and cookies for 24 straight hours. mostly i think he just likes the hat. also, please note that bear grew his beard for the entire month so it would be "more santa like".

a fox, a santa bear, and a beard.

one of my beautifully wrapped pink gifts was the lala loopsy crumbs sugar cookie party playset because i'm an adult woman.

did i mention i got marina anchors and suzette la sweet for my birthday? because i did. bear and i spend more time in toy stores and toy departments than anyone i know with children. usually while bear is off in "the boy aisle" with the transformers and imaginext batmans, i go wherever there is pink. if you're a functional adult and you're confused right now, you can learn about lalas here. i love them.

also, my christmas card bounty made me SO happy this year. if you sent me one - thank you! if you didn't - see me after class.

christmas day was blissfully snow-free. i guess i have heat miser to thank for that.
however, bear made me some beautiful paper snowflakes that i taped to the window because i like them. i told him that every time i tried to make them in school i would end up with two halves. apparently my impatience and lack of attention span were as rampant then as they are now. unlike me, bear LOVES meticulous projects. have you ever seen better snowflakes? because i haven't.

upstairs on christmas day we exchanged presents with bear's family and ate too much christmas dinner. as the great louis c.k. once said - "the meal isn't over when i'm full, it's over when i hate myself." basically.

we spent the rest of the day watching MORE christmas movies and playing with our new toys. i ALMOST forgot that i had to go to work the next morning and that i missed my friends and family back in the great white north... but then i remembered. so i had some egg nog (which by the way, as my canadian friends probably already know, is called "lait de poule" en française which literally means "chicken milk/ milk of chicken"). and cookies. and xanex. (please don't call intervention.)

i hope that everyone enjoyed/survived/drank enough to tolerate christmas this year. i'm personally beyond relieved that it's over, and even though i had to stifle my inner martha for the sake of what's left of my sanity, i think i still did ok. that being said, maybe i should start working on that turkey egg...

love and chicken milk,
so pauvre

masters of the christmas universe

2011-12-25T21:02:00.001-05:00

in addition to our regularly scheduled christmas viewing this year, bear and i were treated to some hidden holiday gems courtesy of netflix instant that we couldn't resist. first in our christmas queue was a timeless classic - he-man & she-ra: a christmas special. we're talking quality entertainment here people.

After accidentally landing on Earth, Orko returns to Eternia with a Christmas tree and two children who explain the holiday's meaning. Fearing the Christmas spirit could thwart his evil, Horde Prime orders Skeletor to kidnap the little Earthlings.

instead of being terrified of a floating magic alien, miguel (yes, miguel) and his sister alicia (hooray!) taught orko the true meaning of christmas. it's not just about presents you know.

then there were giant robots for some reason...

half man, half machine = "manchines"

skeletor kidnapped the children on a flying jet ski. obviously.

also, manchine puppy.

skeletor was overcome by the christmas spirit and saved the children (and manchine puppy) from hordak. an identity crisis most likely ensued.

instead of taking down skeletor in his moment of weakness, everyone just laughed. oh skeletor, you loveable scamp!

the children were returned to their parents on earth and then there was an awkward christmas party on eternia. like, SUPER awkward.

presumably he-man and she-ra realize they're brother and sister, skeletor gives up evil forever, and manchine puppy is trained to be an attack dog at castle greyskull... the end.

love and manchines,
so pauvre

and to all a goodnight

2011-12-24T18:27:00.000-05:00

well children, it's christmas eve, which means i successfully didn't kill anyone for the duration of the holiday shopping season. hooray! i hope that anyone still shopping dies a horrible, fiery death.

anywho, i hope that everyone has a happy christmas and that aunt clara gives you exactly what you want this year.

love and pink nightmares,
so pauvre

fröhliche weihnachten!

2011-12-18T12:44:00.000-05:00

well children, christmas is a week away (thank newborn baby jesus) and in an attempt to momentarily relieve me of my retail exhaustion/humbuggery bear took me to christkindlmarkt, a christmas market in the heart of bethlehem, which is actually known as "the christmas city". christmas!

the market was at steel stacks - an arts and culture centre on the grounds of the former bethlehem steel plant. i spent most of my life in a steel plant ghost town, so the sight of them is nothing new to me, however, bethelem steel was a BEHEMOTH. i read that at one time it actually stretched across ten miles of land and was one of the most powerful symbols of american industrial manufacturing - now nothing more than a monument. sadness.

because it was so dark i couldn't really get pictures of how opposing this place was, thank goodness it was illuminated with christmas lights and music or i would have run away crying. plus, everyone knows that abandoned steel works are TEEMING with ghosts.

rest in peace our lady of blast furnaces.

anywho... back to christkindlmarkt. and yes, everything is german here. (notice the "eingang" sign at the entrance) who needs berlin when you can have eastern pennsylvania? i mean really.

as usual, i was mostly interested in the food situation, and while bear got down to some sweet live oom pah christmas music, i was already in line at fat daddy's barbecue. my pulled pork lust haunts me like the ghosts of a hundred dead pigs. (sorry piggys, you really shouldn't have allowed yourselves to be so delicious.)

as i was inhaling my sandwich, i noticed a sign for deep fried pickles, which are a rare treat here for some reason. you'd think since they deep fry literally EVERYTHING else, why not toss some pickles in there? but they don't. so it wasn't even a question that those were being eaten immediately following our porkwiches.

worth the price of admission.

once we finally stopped eating for long enough to be aware of our surroundings, we wandered around the market trying not to make eye contact with any of the vendors. i'm not really into hideous handmade jewellery, wooden cutting boards, or beeswax sculptures, but what i am into is weird/adorable german folk art ornaments!

get on my christmas tree.

i selected one extra special german friend to come home with us and live on margot junior - you'll meet him later on - but for now, do you sometimes feel like you're wasting your life by not being able to finely craft winter scenes out of wood that feature tiny wooden people finely crafting tiny toys out of wood? because i do.

son of a bitch.

to ease the pain of my wasted life - pumpkin rice pudding to the rescue! seriously, PUMPKIN. RICE. PUDDING. then i felt like i was wasting my life not having a pudding booth at local events...

you bastard.

so then i had to get german warm candied almonds to ease THAT pain. thankfully there was a bear wearing lederhosen on the cone to distract me from wanting to build my own german nut cart.

so do you think they have like, nut supply suppliers or what?

when we got home i kept bear awake half the night discussing my need to own some type of mobile food wagon, how being around people makes me hate people, and how we need to learn how to make tiny wooden things making other tiny wooden things. i bet he sure is glad he took me to christkindlmarkt. seriously, how does he live with me?

i don't know either, but i'm glad he does.

speaking of with pride & joy hand made in germany...

my new little christmas tree friend! i think he's a mushroom elf, but i'm not really sure. all i know is that i love him. look at him!!! how was i NOT supposed to buy him??? i'm not made of stone.

i think he's pretty excited to be living in margot junior with the knowledge that he will not be packed away with the rest of the christmas things. ever. because i love him.

i can't even.

today is my last day off until christmas and yes, i'll most likely be dead by wednesday. how are people STILL christmas shopping and being shocked that things are picked over??? (both things are directly my fault by the way.) you know it's coming on december 25th EVERY YEAR EVER. get it together assholes.

love and german christmas wishes,
so pauvre

fantastic four

2011-12-12T00:01:00.000-05:00

today is so pauvre's fourth birthday!
4 years, 983 posts, hundreds of cupcakes, and countless self-destructive rage spirals... how time flies when you're having fun.

(source: vintage confections)

when i started so pauvre i was living a very different life than i am now. as i've mentioned on several occasions, my twenties were mostly a series of hilariously bad decisions and complete emotional breakdown. i was CONSTANTLY trying to "get my shit together" only to fail miserably time and time again. my severely disordered eating had reached its peak as i tried replacing food with a number of destructive behaviours that did NOT assist in the getting together of my shit. i was living on the fine line between denial and more denial, was drinking HEAVILY, and digging a grave of debt for myself that i'm still trying to climb out of. quel désastre.

i've learned a few things in the last four years. william blake said "the path of excess leads to the palace/tower of wisdom", and oh how wise i have become. please feel free to learn from my mistakes.

1. debt.

- don't get into debt. just fucking DON'T DO IT. if you're in it, do everything possible to get out of it because it WILL eat away at your soul like something that eats souls slowly and painfully.

2. things and stuff.

- you don't need them. most of my possessions have been piled in momca's basement for the last two years and i've lived without them. maybe 10% of what i own i actually need.

3. credit cards.

- FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY DO NOT GET A CREDIT CARD.

4. self esteem.

- it has NOTHING to do with what you look like, how much you weigh, or how much shit you have in your closet.

5. men.

- most of them are worse than rats. don't let them ruin you.
- some of them are bears. marry the bears.

6. food.

- it's not the enemy.

7. sleep.

- you need it.

8. depression and anxiety.

- it's a disease, not a choice.
- medication is your friend.

9. body image.

- comparison to others = el diablo.

10. post-secondary education.

- a farce.

11. life.

- it will never go according to plan. EVER. like, never ever ever. ever.
__________

i had to learn that shit the hard way. in some cases, the hardest possible way. i'm 31 now and most of the time i still feel like a terrified 18 year-old trying to understand what the point is, how to not fuck it up AGAIN, and how to make it better. every day i try not to be an albatross corpse hanging around bear's neck, and to be strong in the face of CONSTANT bullshit, ignorance, and stupidity. sometimes i want to bury myself in the backyard. sometimes (most times) i want to hulk smash everything and (especially) everyone. sometimes i look at bear and try to understand why he hasn't run away screaming yet and to see in myself what he sees in me. sometimes i watch seven children of the corn movies in a row just so my brain will shut down and i don't have to think about ANYTHING except how shitty five out of seven of those movies were...

in four more years i'll be 35. how much shit do you think i'll have to wade through between now and then? will i finally attend anger management therapy? will my skin still retain the youthful glow of a 21 year -old? only time will tell...

happy fourth birthday so pauvre. you lived longer than anyone ever expected.

the return of pink christmas

2011-12-10T13:06:00.000-05:00

this is my second christmas in pennsylvania, and the second christmas i've wistfully lamented my beloved margot tannenbaum - cold and alone in momca's basement, bringing sparkly, pink christmas joy to NO ONE. especially me.

possibly because he wanted me to shut the hell up about my damn tree, possibly because he loves me for some reason, bear came home from work on thursday with two big presents that he said were from santa (i love him). inside one was a little pink christmas tree (margot junior), and the other held a little pink tree skirt, pink ornaments, and a sparkly pink star for the top. sometimes bear does things that make me cry.

now thanks to santa bear our home is filled with the warm, glowing, warming pink glow of christmas once again, and for the benefit of all involved, my festive rage levels have lowered from "murderous" to "moderately disgruntled".

when everything else in my life is THE WORST there always seems to to be a bear with pink christmas tree to make things better.

love and pink sparkles,
so pauvre

gingerbread cookies: a thought process

2011-12-05T08:59:00.000-05:00

1. i made bear buy me an $8 jar of ground cloves. i should probably make gingerbread cookies.

2. hooray for baking! i love cookies!

3. why is this taking FOREVER?

4. now i have to DECORATE them??? great. (SO TIRED.)

5. these sprinkles taste a little past their prime... oh well. sprinkle sprinkle!

6. FUUUUUUHHHH. who thought this was a good idea???

7. ooh! i'm actually getting pretty good at this! cookies!

6. have i been working on these for seven hours???

7. son of a bitch.

8. who made this effing mess??? i hate cookies.

9. i accidentally ate all the cookies.

love and christmas lobsters,
so pauvre

general humbuggery

2011-12-04T02:01:00.000-05:00

so, we've pretty much established that i hate EVERYTHING for the duration of the yuletide season (more than i usually hate it). i actually really want to punch life in the face right now, but my hand is cramped from counting money at work. seriously.

a customer actually told me she felt sorry for me because i have to work in a living nightmare. my very existence was so soaked in sadness that it actually caused her emotional anguish.

it's the most wonderful time of the year.

all i want to do is eat gingerbread cookies and drink white peppermint mochas until my brain hemorrhages, but instead i have to pretend that i'm not thinking about beating people to death with a roll of wrapping paper all day.

and it's only december fourth.

like most things, i have a love/hate relationship with christmas.

love:

- everything is coated in glitter and smells like cinnamon
- heavy emphasis on baked goods
- band aid
- christmas lights
- christmas cards
- rankin/bass specials
- nog

hate:

- everything else
____________

christmas happens every year, so you really don't have to get nuts. just calm the hell down and STOP SHOPPING for five fucking minutes so you can actually enjoy the lights and the cookies instead of begrudgingly adding them to your already too long to-do list. extended mall hours do not a holiday make.

is it january yet?
love so pauvre

chip rehab II : the reckoning

2011-11-30T10:17:00.004-05:00

since brutally relapsing back into my chip addiction in september, i realized that i'm not allowed to eat chips. ever. i literally can't have just one...bag. a single chip is enough to send me back into the arms of my salty mistress. our love affair is heated and abusive.

every month i think about possibly trying to quit chips again, and then i don't.

i wish i knew how to quit you.

recently nid offered to fund a reward if i could go another month without eating chips. do i NEED a prize for making healthy choices? yes i do. can't i just be motivated by not feeling like a sack of crap? clearly not.

i think i can. i think i can...
love so pauvre

it's beginning to look a lot like i hate you

2011-11-27T21:32:00.000-05:00

it has recently come to my attention that people are the worst. actually, that was a lie. i've known all along. however, working in retail - especially during "the season of giving" - has reminded me that most people have no idea how to "not be an asshole".

due to my lack of skill in mathematics and/or science, i've worked in some form of customer service since i was sixteen. i don't know how many years that is because no one ever told me i'd be a hobo forever if i couldn't add, but i think it's a lot of years. i'm also pretty sure that my salty demeanour is a direct result of this prolonged exposure to the general public. i know we've been through this before, but seriously, don't be a dick.

be nice or get out.

PUT IT BACK WHERE IT BELONGS.

control your children or tie them up outside.

read your coupons.

online shopping is your friend.

doubling my xanex,
love so pauvre

thanks for nothing

2011-11-26T11:12:00.008-05:00

i've never really understood thanksgiving. are you seriously that excited about eating turkey and spending time with your family? because i'm not.

in canada thanksgiving is at the beginning of october, and in america it's at the end of november, so right away i'm confused. and while canadian thanksgiving "celebrates the harvest", american thanksgiving involves cartoon turkeys wearing pilgrim hats for some reason. who the hell knows.

i do, however, enjoy bizarre turkey crafts.

it seems to be a way bigger deal here. people LOVE it. meanwhile i'm thinking, christmas is a month away, then you have to deal with ANOTHER family dinner that will probably involve the exact same meal. and why anyone wants to spend time with their family twice in two months makes no sense to me. at least if it was in october, you'd still have over a month to build your self esteem back up and have at least four therapy sessions before having to "join hands in togetherness" again for christmas. terrible.

i seem to have successfully evaded thanksgiving two years running. last year i was an america during canadian thanksgiving, and in canada during american thanksgiving. this year i was again in america for canadian thanksgiving, and due to unforeseen circumstances, what was to be my first american thanksgiving in america was cancelled. i spent most of the day mentally preparing myself for working on black friday, and eating pie in my undies. i guess technically because there was both mental anguish and pie consumption it actually was thanksgiving after all.

more bitter than your grandma's cranberry sauce,
love so pauvre

gluten tag

2011-11-22T11:22:00.000-05:00

i FINALLY got the results of my celiac test, and it turns out i'm not NOT not NOT not NOT intolerant to gluten! (that was just for you celine.)

avoiding soy is enough of a pain in the ass, so i'm pretty relieved that i don't have to deal with the added nightmare of gluten ravaging my insides on top of everything else.

i've definitely noticed a difference in how i feel both physically and emotionally based on how much soy i "accidentally" eat, (did you know that soy is in chocolate? because it is.) and i feel much better when i'm soy-free. you would think that feeling better would be enough of a driving force to keep me on the straight and narrow, but for some reason it's not. i've made severe dietary changes before, but those were mostly fueled by insanity, so i'm really not sure how to handle something like this without getting hysterically obsessive. right now i'm just trying to make small changes in the hopes that gradually there will be a shift in my thoughts and behaviours.

the added stress that comes with working in retail between november to january isn't really going to do me any favours, but all i can do is try.

one day at a time,
love so pauvre

the hungry atheists

2011-11-20T22:26:00.001-05:00

sorry about all the tumbleweeds blowing through here last week - it's pre-christmas madness at work - so all i want to do when i get home is roll myself into a duvet burrito. i would probably still be in there slowly sweating to death if nid hadn't come to visit... so hooray for nid!

yes, that's a tiny, tiny pot of vaseline lip balm. and yes, nid's pretty excited about it.

i had to work over the weekend, which was garbage, but we still managed to squeeze in several trips to starbucks, shopping, and nid's first dinner at red robin!

mad about plaid! and empty ketchup bottles...

"feed your inner samurai." uhhh...ok?

i'm so sorry arteries. you've had a rough week...

now that i'm banned from soy, i had no choice but to swap my usual boca burger for juicy, delicious beef. so many sacrifices...

my beloved, seasonal gingerbread milkshake is back at red robin. this year they've decided that adding a shot of jim beam is an option... get thee behind me satan!

sadly nid's climbin' tree is still in several pieces in the backyard, so there was no nidnastics this time. she did a few lunges with me on her back instead. so little, yet so mighty.

i've been very spoiled over the last two weeks with birthday treats, surprises, and two special visitors - i can't say thank you enough! so far 31 has been pretty great, and i hope that it's just the beginning of the best year yet!

tempting fate by making optimistic statements,
love so pauvre

this one goes to eleven eleven eleven

2011-11-15T00:04:00.002-05:00

bear told me that in my pre-sleep delirium early friday morning i said "i like my birthday because everyone has to be nice to me." fortunately for all parties involved, everyone was nice to me. thank you so much to everyone who took the time to send me birthday wishes, cards, and treats last week! my birthday was made extra special by your thoughtfulness, and i really can't say thank you enough! i was completely overwhelmed by the magic of my triple eleven birthday. and by magic, i mean food consumption.

my beautiful, red-headed sister drove seven hours from ontario just to spend the weekend with me, and that was really the best present i could have ever wished for.

when are you too old to be pretending you're on top model?
(also, look at the SWEET fox bag bear bought me for my birthday!)

i'm pretty sure i ate enough food to feed a developing nation over the last three days, but guess what? i'm eating a smuggled coffee crisp right now because i feel like it. smuggled treats just taste so much better.

we kicked off the feeding frenzy on friday night at grumpy's - as bear would say, it was pork o'clock.

remember when i was a vegetarian for ten years? hilarious.

he's just preparing for hibernation ok?

saturday afternoon drea and i went shopping and then met up with bear for lunch at wally's. bear took me here for the first time after my "unpleasant procedure" because i was hysterical with starvation after not eating (because of the procedure prep) for almost two days and all i wanted was a fresh, delicious turkey sandwich. aside from the pumpkin patch turkey hoagie, which was also consumed in a fit of hysterical starvation, it was the best turkey sandwich i've ever eaten. nothing cures hysterical starvation like a turkey sandwich.

our signature pose.

wally's sandwiches are called "hogs" and they come in small, medium, and large. this is a medium. it's about a square foot of sandwich:

by this point we had exceeded the recommended monthly intake of meat, so we skipped dinner and put together a picnic of snacks including the long awaited return of the li'l smokey! how i've missed you old friend...

then we had cake. it was my birthday ok? i'm not gonna NOT have cake. don't judge me.

yes, we match. gross.

drea treated me to a manicure on sunday and we spent the rest of the day lying around watching drag race/increasing our sass levels. you may be asking yourself, "is it possible that you went a day without gorging yourself to the brink of death?" the answer is no my friends. the answer is no.

deep in the wilds of eastern pennsylvania there is fabled "pizza shop in the country" called snuzzles. they don't have a sign and they don't advertise. it's literally in the middle of nowhere. why would anyone drive to the middle of nowhere for pizza and hoagies?

this is why.

if you've never eaten a stromboli the size of a newborn, you've never been to snuzzles.

i really had no idea what we were getting ourselves into. this thing easily weighed eight pounds and could probably feed a small family. i still have half of it in the fridge and i've already eaten it for three meals - i think it's actually regenerating itself in there. our waitress said in six years she's only ever seen five people finish one. bear came pretty close and was very proud of himself.

i've never been more aroused.

today i felt like pure death, but it was totally worth it.

i was basically a disaster when i had to say goodbye to drea, so it was a good thing i had a fridge full of stromboli to ease the/cause more pain.

come baaaaaaack!

although my post-birthday depression spiral has already taken hold, it really was the best birthday i could have hoped for. and i haven't even told you about my presents yet!

thank you again for all the sweet birthday wishes!

love and food comas,
so pauvre

happy birthday to me!

2011-11-11T00:01:00.000-05:00

(source.)

soy story

2011-11-10T00:55:00.000-05:00

well children, tomorrow is my birthday. and as you know, i decided to give myself the gift of extensive medical testing. for some reason.

so far everything has come back normal, with the exception of that whole severe allergy to everything incident...

i'm still waiting on the results of my wheat intolerance test and i'm REALLY hoping that comes back negative because i love gluten almost as much as i love soy and peanuts (i weep for you tofu summer rolls with peanut dipping sauce).

grocery shopping last week was a farce. i had twenty pages of soy information and it took a hundred years to read EVERY SINGLE INGREDIENT ON EVERY SINGLE PACKAGE. annoying.

did you know that soy is a bastard? because it is. it's ridiculous enough that it's in effing everything, but it also isn't always called soy. i found a forty six item list of ingredients to avoid. you know, not at all inconvenient. it also does terrible, TERRIBLE things to you. like, REALLY bad. and i've been eating a crap load of it for ten years. potential health complications associated with eating too much soy include digestive upset (check), impairment of the body's ability to produce thyroid hormones (check), deficiencies in vitamin B12 and D (check), and disrupted endocrine function resulting in hormonal imbalances (yep, this one too). so basically 90% of my problems.

son of a bitch.

after the last three weeks of madness i'm ready to really enjoy my birthday. last year was ROUGH, and i'm not sorry to see it go. i'm hoping that this year my body will eventually forgive me for poisoning it with soy, it will start to function, and we can live happily, hormonally balanced ever after.

love soy pauvre

before shit got nuts

2011-11-06T20:09:00.000-05:00

i know it's a week into november, but i still feel like halloween didn't happen. even though our town's trick or treat night was on the 28th (i know, it's weird), there was snow on the ground on the 31st and it honestly felt like it was suddenly december. last night bear asked when i was going to put the halloween decorations away and i said "after halloween". whoops.

before the snow ruined everything, bear finally got to resurrect "chain saw man" much to the delight and terror of the neighbourhood children.

he's already planning for next year and it may (it does) involve a fog machine and strobe lights.

i love my chainsaw bear.

basically how i've felt for the last two weeks:

i know that rage fest 2011 is officially over, but i'm just gonna keep that chainsaw handy just in case...

only 359 days until next halloween!
love so pauvre

darkness on the edge of town

2011-11-04T16:30:00.000-04:00

every year the first day it snows is like a punch in the face that takes four months to heal. unfortunately for everyone involved that punch came early this year.

evidently a LOT of trees were also punched and they were NOT happy. the fallen trees caused so much damage to power lines that it caused wide-spread outages effecting 70,000+ homes and businesses in eastern pennsylvania. son of a bitch.

as you know, power outages are my worst nightmare. i BARELY survived a three hour outage in 2009, so it's pretty safe to say i went berserk over the three DAYS it took to have our electricity restored.

bad things about having no electricity:

- everything

good things about having no electricity:

- finally justifying my candle hoard

the worst part of this whole ordeal wasn't that i could see my breath inside, or that apple (my macbook) has less than 40 minutes of battery capacity, or even that i was ready to sell my soul for a fully charged blackberry battery, but the moment i realized i had to throw out my precious pumpkin spice cream cheese because the fridge was warmer than the house. i loved you pumpkin spice cream cheese. gone too soon...

dear electricity,

NEVER LEAVE AGAIN.

love so pauvre

rage week 2011: a silver lining

2011-11-03T11:21:00.000-04:00

in preparation for my "unpleasant procedure" tomorrow, i'm not allowed to eat anything today. ANYTHING. i guess it's good practice for my new lemon water lifestyle, but i'm predicting it won't be pretty.

thank you to everyone for your supportive comments and emails. bear has already researched hypoallergenic dogs for us and my womb is full of hope again.

in the midst of the ever unfolding farce that is my life there were a few small miracles that appeared in my mailbox with precision timing last week, and i want everyone who's ever sent me cards and treats that my little, black grinch heart grows three sizes when it remembers that i have such thoughtful friends who love me in spite of my rage, irrational thinking, mental illness, soy allergy, etc. it really is more appreciated than you could ever imagine - THANK YOU!

on day three of the power outage a package arrived from my friend melissa. when i opened the box it became apparent that i really do make my needs and wants known to all. subtlety really is not in my vocabulary, is it?

ketchup chips, all dressed ruffles, plum sauce, and cocktail umbrellas - these are a few of my favourite things! the chips were eaten within SECONDS of arriving, and i plan on eating the plum sauce with some soy free quorn chick'n nuggets! as for the umbrellas, they go in everything. EVERYTHING!
thank you so much for my "canadian essentials" care package meliss - it was perfect in every way!

tuesday, after my gastroenterologist appointment when i was in a STATE, was the greatest mail day of all time. cards and treats a plenty made me forget about the "unpleasant procedure" for a brief moment of exuberance.

cb sent me a water colour portrait of myself, as a vampire, at the pumpkin patch! i pretty much died. no one has ever made of portrait of me before, let alone one that so accurately captures my personality in four little words.

look at my neigh neigh sweater! so perfect. thank you cb - who needs letters when you can have pictures??? LOVE IT.

i also received a summer party mix mystery cd from amber blue bird that is chasing my snow storm blues away (i REALLY hope you're not trapped until a snow drift somewhere), halloween cards from otter and hutz, and some mail related treats i ordered for myself from etsy! BOUNTY. i was still revelling in my treats when the UPS man rang the bell. after he told me about how his FIVE cats came in handy during the power outage because it was "like having five little space heaters" he gave me a small mystery package. what was inside?

TEA! an early birthday present from otter, my fellow lover of fancy loose leaf! i recently had a run in with some ASSHOLES at teavana, so now that i have a box filled with delicious david's teas (including the coveted pumpkin chai!) i can tell teavana to go to hell. jerks.

prior to the madness of the last week i also received an amazing halloween letter that basically changed the way i see mail. i want to write more about that later! (thank you merissa!)

again, thank you everyone for keeping my mailbox full of lovely things! it's such a source of bliss for me, you have no idea. well, at this point you're probably starting to get the idea. the people in my life keep me from full-on straight jacket crazy, and i'm SO lucky to have you to balance out the ridiculous.

love and love letters,
so pauvre

more proof that my body hates me

2011-11-02T10:25:00.000-04:00

if you've never been tested for allergies and you're thinking it might be a good idea, you should probably consider how much you're willing to have your life ruined prior to making that appointment. especially if you currently enjoy eating, being outside, being inside, sleeping, etc.

i'm serious.

the most common test for allergen sensitivity is a scratch test. basically a little pin sized plastic needle containing a concentrated form of an allergen is pricked into your skin and in fifteen minutes, based on the skin's reaction, the doctor will determine whether or not you are allergic to said allergen/the degree of which your life will be ruined.

i had several blocks of scratch needles pressed into my back testing for both environmental and food allergies. the nurse left the room for ten minutes and when she returned she saw my back and decided "oh dear!" was really the only way to express the nightmare that was taking place. it looked like i had been bitten by dozens of mosquitos in tidy little rows and itched like you'd expect dozens of mosquito bites to itch. SO ITCHY.

it turns out i'm allergic to life. great. i'm SO happy i decided this was a good idea.

in addition to trees (especially birch for some reason), grass, house plants, dust, dust mites (gross), carpeting, air, etc. i was told that i was moderately to extremely allergic to peanuts/peanut products and soy. you might be thinking "that sucks dude, peanuts are god damn delicious! but, how many foods contain soy anyway?" ALL THE FOODS CONTAIN SOY. go look in your fridge and cupboards and see for yourself. it's in fucking everything. also, given the fact that i routinely enjoy PURE SOY in the form of tofu, soy milk, edamame, and veggie burgers SEVERAL TIMES A WEEK, and that my FAVOURITE FOOD (pad thai) contains both peanuts AND soy, i'm basically fucked.

goodbye my lover.

for three weeks i have to keep a detailed diary of everything i eat and eliminate ALL soy and peanut stuffs from my life. so, basically my choices are a) continue to feel like a sack of crap at all times OR b) eat nothing but fruits and vegetables (which have to be peeled first because the wax that makes them shiny is PURE soy). i can't really decide which option is worse.

also, i'm allergic to ALL the animals, especially dogs. ESPECIALLY DOGS??? believe me when i say i knew at that moment how most women probably feel when they're told they're unable to have children. pretty much the only dream i had left in life was to one day have 2-4 dogs. goodbye dream! why i assumed i could experience limitless joy i'll never know.

that's ok. i didn't really love you more than anything on earth that much anyway...

in addition to the above unimaginable misery, i have to be tested for celiac disease.

Celiac disease is an autoimmune digestive disease that damages the villi of the small intestine and interferes with absorption of nutrients from food. What does this mean? Essentially the body is attacking itself every time a person with celiac consumes gluten.

remember that horrible fear i had about only being allowed to eat lemon water?

now i have to carry an EPI PEN with me at all times just in case i eat something and turn into a blueberry. great.

i feel like it's a bit unnecessary, but knowing my luck, if i didn't have one i'd have to be rolled down to the juicing room at once.

my life is a farce.

love and lemon water,
so pauvre

cataclysm of calamity

2011-11-01T13:45:00.001-04:00

sometimes such madness presents itself that it would almost be hilarious if it wasn't such a carnival of nightmares. the last five days of my life have been such a farce that i can barely form a sentence that isn't ONLY swears. so for now, here is a brief synopsis of what's to come this week on so pauvre (to be officially known as "rage fest 2011") :

- i went to the allergist and he ruined my life.
- it snowed in october and it ruined my autumn.
- the heavy snowfall caused many trees (including the one in our backyard) to snap in half, and a lot of them took down power lines.
- i've been sitting in the freezing cold darkness for three days.
- i had to throw away $200 worth of food from my fridge and freezer because we had no power for so long.
- i ate a cheeseburger that had bacon, an egg, AND hash browns on it (with fries) as a result of the above events.

bonus madness:
- i went to the gastroenterologist today and i have to go back on friday for an unpleasant procedure. (VERY unpleasant.)

so, good times.

i'll be back later with in-depth rage fest 2011 coverage, but right now i'm going to sit in a hot shower until i shrivel into oblivion.

love so pauvre

son of a bitch

2011-10-29T12:48:00.006-04:00

so, this is what i'm dealing with right now:

dear mother nature,

go fuck yourself.

love so pauvre

the best or worst present ever

2011-10-26T21:12:00.009-04:00

so, i'm gonna be 31 in a little over two weeks (november 11th in case i forgot to casually mention that i like presents). i did A LOT of damage to myself physically, emotionally, financially, etc. in my 20s and i feel like my 30s are kind of like rehab.

even though i'm "technically" young, my body feels about hundred years old. this is likely due to a combination of 1: not sleeping since the late 90s. 2: eating half of one serving of vegetables per week. 3: my preferred exercise being complaining. 4: my thyroid being dead. and as a result of these factors i usually feel like a bag of death.

one of the main issues contributing to my general malaise is that i can't eat anything without feeling sick. like, ANYTHING. i've been terrified of getting this checked out because i really don't want to be told i can eat only lemon water for the rest of my life, but i feel like if i don't find out what the problem is it'll probably get worse. SO, because i'm trying to be a responsible adult i've made appointments with an allergist, a gastroenterologist, and i'm working on a referral to an endocrinologist. that's a lot of ologists. hopefully one/all of them can tell me what's causing the problem and what i can do to fix it.

feeling better is going to be (one of) my birthday present(s) to myself. i know i have to eat better (i hate it). i know i have to exercise (fuck). and i know i have to RELAX (impossible), because i'm pretty sure that my inability to manage stress is fucking up my shit like nobody's business.

i feel really overwhelmed by all of the changes that i need to make in my life. i know i just have to focus on one thing at a time, so i'm going to try not to freak out. key word here being "try" because i know i'm going to freak out one to several times during the process of making the above changes, so it's best to just prepare yourself for those angry detox posts now.

happy almost birthday to me,
love so pauvre

crazy dead people christmas

2011-10-24T00:09:00.000-04:00

bear and i love halloween. LOVE IT. i've always said it was my favourite holiday because it doesn't involve a horrible family dinner or jesus. you can just eat candy until your teeth fall out, wear literally whatever you want, and stab pumpkins the face. it's like a beautiful dream.

saturday night we stabbed our pumpkins in their faces. sorry pumpkins, that's what you get for being heavy bastards and making me endure children to procure you.

this year, possibly as a result of watching hours of halloween wars, bear decided he wanted to take his pumpkin to the next level. determined to become a master of pumpkin carving/sculpting/stabbing, he researched the tools and techniques used by professional pumpkin artists and could NOT wait any longer to dig in.

adorable.

whilst bear was carefully planning, and applying precision techniques to make a god damn masterpiece, i was blindly stabbing away at my pumpkin/watching chopped. like most things i undertake, i just start doing it and hope a plan forms and executes itself somehow before i lose interest.

i generally start to lose interest somewhere between "hey! let's make jack-o lanterns! what a cute, fun idea!" and "i have pumpkin innards under my nails."

does anyone else LOVE the way pumpkin insides smell? or is that weird? i usually spend a good seven to nine minutes with my nose inside the pumpkin cavity before i do anything else. even better is the smell of pumpkin insides after the candle burns it a little. SO GOOD.

back to my pumpkin... for some reason i tried to get fancy, probably because i couldn't let bear hog all the glory.

if you've ever tried to sharpie a slightly-damp-from-pumpkin-goo pumpkin you know it's a futile exercise, so i used nail polish to outline and embellish the features to give it the dia de los muertos look i was going for and it worked like a charm! thanks for NOTHING sharpie.

i was getting pretty delirious from the nail polish fumes after a while, and considering how little i cared at this point i'm actually pretty surprised it didn't end up a complete disaster.

meanwhile, bear did this:

oh.

next year i'm just going to let him carve mine and save myself the nail polish poisoning.

love and pumpkin innards,

so pauvre

adult onset attention deficit disorder

2011-10-21T01:06:00.000-04:00

right now i have about thirty unfinished projects piled around the house. it's the WORST. i can't seem to focus on one thing anymore. ever. and what happens when i have thirty unfinished project piled around the house? i watch 30 rock on netflix and update my amazon wishlist. i chose to eat an entire pint of häagen-dazs peppermint bark ice cream (where has THAT been all my life???) and watch project runway instead of cleaning up the half assembled halloween gingerbread house i gave up on two hours prior. i'm aware that it's a problem. is this how people live?

bear and i have started seeing this couple every week at the grocery store that is basically the opposite of us in every way. they're both wearing neon spandex and cross trainers (what, did you fucking jog here?) and have nothing but produce in their weird half shopping cart. what is THEIR life like? "hey honey? wanna jog to wegman's without breaking a sweat, grab some kale and flax seeds, and then squat thrust for an hour whilst listening to motivational audio books?" how does THAT happen? i mean, maybe they're pigs and they just like wearing spandex to wegman's? i don't know. but if you're NOT excited that you now have a choice between eggnog and PREMIUM eggnog i don't care to be in your company.

speaking of reasons i should probably get on the waiting list for a heart and possibly liver transplant at some point in the near future, have i mentioned you can get eggnog all year here? or that wawa has a sandwich called "the gobbler" (or lloyd gobbler as some of us would rather it be called) that is hot turkey soaked in gravy, stuffing (or "filling" as people in pennsylvania seem to think it's called), and cranberry sauce on a hoagie roll? or that 24 hours a day these things are available to me? what am i? some kind of monster who can resist both trans AND saturated fats??? yeah right. why don't i just incorporate 30 minutes of vigorous daily activity into my lifestyle while i'm at it?

you know what they don't have here? plum sauce. like, what's the point of chicken fingers if there's no plum sauce??? if you've ever seen me order chicken fingers in canada, sweet land of the flowing plum sauce, you know that i basically ask for a soup bowl of plum sauce that happens to come with a few chicken fingers. come on america, you don't have to serve ranch dressing with EVERYTHING. they have "duck sauce" at chinese places that is KIND OF like plum sauce but it's yellow and not delicious. also, i don't think anyone here calls them chicken fingers.

listening to the carpenters and eating the half assembled halloween gingerbread house i gave up on is the best decision i've made all day.

(TWO tambourine players. holy shit.)
love so pauvre

pauvre's pink tag penny sale: tricks and treats!

2011-10-20T13:01:00.012-04:00

update: SOLD!

this week's (very first!) pink tag mystery item is...

this super cute and spooky tatty devine ghost necklace - just in time for halloween! he still has his original box and is in like new condition. the winner of this item will also receive some bonus halloween treats because it's fun to get treats. i'm asking $20+ shipping for this little guy (payable via paypal). he's selling for around $42 in the shop right now - so don't miss out on the savings! if you're interested please message me in the comments with your email address (i won't post it) and i'll contact you for your address etc. and because i only have one little ghostie up for grabs, whoever grabs it first gets it for keeps!

thanks for browsing!

love so pauvre

pauvre's pink tag penny sale

2011-10-17T04:15:00.000-04:00

pauvre's pink tag penny sale is another one of my famous 4am ideas. it turns out that sleep deprivation and halloween candy truly are the mother of invention.

basically each week i'll be posting some mystery items for sale (cheap) for your consideration. please feel free to buy said mystery items because my beloved macbook, apple martin junior, is heading toward the light and waving to papa steve up there in apple heaven. i'm really not emotionally prepared to live my life without apple for any number of minutes, so any contribution to her memorial service/the acquisition of her successor would be greatly appreciated. plus, you get fun treats in the mail - everybody wins! EVERYBODY.

i was thinking about making little cupcake kits with my excessive collection of baking supplies and selling them for like $5 + shipping. cute? no? get a real job? (they make great stocking stuffers and secret santa gifts this holiday season!)

let me know what you guys think. it'll give me something to do at 4am tomorrow...

love so pauvre

the post where i'm super angry but also happy somehow

2011-10-16T02:05:00.000-04:00

it's not a secret that i hate most things. like, i'm pretty sure i have enough rage inside of me to power a small city for several days. that's just the way it is friends, don't even think about telling me that i "should really be more positive" because i'll cut you...

ANYWHO, sometimes being constantly on the verge of volcanic eruption can be exhausting, so i really look forward to a precious few things in life that soothe my begrumpled soul.

pumpkins are something that make me not want to stab people in the face, so i try to immerse myself in a glorious pumpkin wonderland every october in order to try and not have a stroke.

thanks to pumpkinpatchesandmore.org (seriously) i was able to assess which pumpkin patch would most satisfy my pumpkin patch related needs. i decided on weaver's based mostly on the availability of fudge and the presence of alpacas promised.

it took us a hundred years to get there, mostly because i still have no concept of how far a mile is, and also because we were stuck on a single lane highway behind a motorhome TOWING A CAR behind it for most of the trip. by the time we arrived at weaver's, bear and i both had SEVERE road rage, i had to pee so bad i think i might have shoved an old man out of the way to get to the bathroom, and i was STARVING. anyone who has spent any amount of time with me knows that when i'm hungry, it's not a good situation. i basically become the hulk, it's a problem.

even though we arrived later in the day, the place was packed. you could hardly even get inside of the farmer's market, and we had to wait in line so long that i ate entire turkey hoagie (which tasted like the greatest thing i've ever eaten) prior to arriving at the cash register. the cashier literally had to scan the bar code off an empty wrapper. whoops. at least i was fed, un-hulked, and we obtained fudge. PUMPKIN PIE FUDGE. so i guess it was worth it.

every year i seem to forget that everyone brings their shitty kids to the pumpkin patch. can't i go ANYWHERE without having to be conscious of who i'm swearing around??? fuck man, keep that shit in the car. (crack a window first, i'm not a monster.)

with the exception of the existence of other humans and their young, i had fun with bear looking at all the pumpkins, squashes, gourds, etc. around the farm and my rage rested at a comfortable "somewhat annoyed" level for most of the day.

my rage levels spent a brief time in the elusive "slightly irritated" zone when i was presented with still warm sugared apple donuts and fresh pressed hot apple cider.

the key is to never stop eating. ever.

alright, so lets pick out some pumpkins and get the capital c out of here.

(son of bitch bear is adorable. look at him!!!)

hello person behind me in line, even though i hate you, please take our photo and make sure you know nothing about light source composition. got it? great job.

guess what? pumpkins are heavy assholes. i don't even know why i thought i liked them. we had to carry them up a steep hill and over to the next county where we had to park. and because my feeble arms are only used to lifting food to my mouth i had to put my pumpkin on my head like a lunatic to carry it.

i really hope this doesn't have bugs on it.

after all that BS our pumpkins made it to the car alive and well.

and bear kissed it better. (rage levels lowered to "awww bear".)

did you see the alpacas? neither did i. son of a bitch. at least i got fudge. and a donut. and apple cider. and a crazy good hoagie. and a kiss from a my husband who deserves a robot exoskeleton to play in for putting up with my bullshit.

note to self: wake up, take a xanex, proceed with life.

love so pauvre

marvelous cupcakes for a birthday bear

2011-10-11T21:09:00.000-04:00

tomorrow is my sweet baby bear's 27th birthday, and to celebrate he requested cherry garcia cupcakes! these are the very same ones i made for him when our love was new, but this time i used mini chocolate chips, which worked out a lot better. there was a minor snafu when i discovered AFTER baking that there were PITS in a few of the the maraschino cherries that were not evident to me even after magic bulleting them and folding them into the batter. son of a bitch. for future reference: when the jar says "may contain pits" it probably means "DOES contain pits".

anywho...i got a marvel heros cupcake kit from williams sonoma and they turned out great - perfect for a bear!

happy birthday sweet faced bear! i love you more than chips.

love so pauvre/your wife

happy mail

2011-10-11T01:11:00.000-04:00

i'm sure that at some point i may have possibly subtly alluded to the fact that i enjoy receiving things in the mail. i think it's my favourite thing ever aside from bear and eating chips (i'm off the wagon friends). i really don't care what it is, as long as it's not from the government or someone wanting money. sometimes i get fun presents in the mail and i go apeshit. seriously, once my gramma sent me a random green tea towel in the mail and i felt like it was the best thing that ever happened. that being said, i'm pretty sure something hemorrhaged when i discovered the 13 ounces or less project over on giver's log.

apparently you're allowed to send unpackaged items through the US mail as long as they weigh 13 ounces or less.

i'm dying. the easter eggs??? come on, that's god damn brilliant.

remember my ill-fated loot bag project? why do all my ideas crash and burn? probably because 100 percent of people i know would rather gouge their own eyes out with a screwdriver than buy a damn stamp. SO i'm in the market for some new pen pals. if you want in on this action please leave me your email address in the comments (let me know if you don't want your comment published) and we can get this party started! do people still say "let's get this party started"? if not, what is the non lame equivalent?

also, you should really send some mail because the post office is dying. like, for real. when canada post went on strike this summer i was very stressed out and had to eat many chips. WRITE MORE LETTERS. (and send them to me.)

love so pauvre

(pennsylvania) license to drive

2011-10-07T00:10:00.005-04:00

since my ontario driver's license was set to expire on my birthday next month (november 11th - buy me a present) and i won't be in ontario before that to renew it (sadness) i had to renew it here in PA which means i now have a driver's license that says pennsylvania on it. WEIRD.

my ontario license was really the only canadian thing left in my wallet (except for my shopper's optimum card - i got mad points on that bitch yo), so it was kind of bittersweet having to surrender it today.

unlike the mysterious process of ontario license manufacture (it comes in the mail a bajillion years later) i was magically given my new license on the spot. there was also a MIRROR at the photo station, and instead of the "i guess i'll see how hideous my picture is when i get my license in the mail" deal you get in ontario, they allowed retakes! never in my life have i seen such wonders! my picture is basically ridiculous, but there was a line behind me and i'm not an asshole.

this year i've had my picture taken for government documents seven times. wtf.

love and official documents,
so pauvre

i've been watching a lot of drag race...

2011-10-05T23:15:00.008-04:00

"i don't need anything in this house that INCREASES your sass levels."

- bear after i told him "the garbage is already out bitch."

wedding cakes

2011-10-02T19:17:00.014-04:00

these beautiful babies were a special order for brown chicken lady's wedding on saturday!

these ones too...

half pumpkin spice cake with cream cheese butter cream, half amaretto cake with amaretto butter cream, all delicious.

ah ha ha ha table five, table five...

my log will have something to say about this.

big brownie made a special appearance!

is it just me, or are we getting cuter?

nom nom nom!

i like to think my cupcakes made the bride and groom feel like dancing...

congratulations to the new mr and mrs!

all the cool kids are doing it

2011-09-28T00:54:00.003-04:00

i stole this from cb.

my ABC's

A. Age: thirty, flirty, and thriving
B. Bed size: queen/not big enough
C. Chore that you hate: ALL THE CHORES
D. Dogs: ALL THE DOGS
E. Essential start to your day: putting my contacts in so i can see
F. Favorite color: pink
G. Gold or Silver: both
H. Height: 5'8
I. Instruments you play: none
J. Job title: hobo
K. Kids: no thank you
L. Live: with a bear
M. Mother’s name: katharine
N. Nicknames: leaky, leaky-son, leaks, leaks-a-ma-squeaks, squeaks, leash, fox, pea, pea pie, peepers, peeperoni, sweet potato, 'tato, otter, ottery ott, hooty, hoots, hootery hoot... literally no one calls me alicia
O. Overnight hospital stays: tonsils out when i was 8, and gallbladder out when i was 18 (for TWO WEEKS)
P. Pet peeves: an abridged list
Q. Quote from a movie: "she's sweet, but she's fucked up." -herman blume, rushmore
R. Right or left handed: right, but i bat, putt, and hockey stick left for some reason
S. Siblings: one red-headed sister
T. Time you wake up: usually around 10am if i don't work earlier than noon
U. Underwear: you've seen them!
V. Vegetable you hate: ALL THE VEGETABLES (especially peppers of any colour, onions, and cauliflower)
W. What makes you run late: the snooze button. i'm THE WORST at getting up.
X. X-Rays you’ve had: my teeth (obviously), and my chest (for immigration to make sure i wasn't riddled with tuberculosis)
Y. Yummy food that you make: cupcakes! other than that i can basically only cook eggs.
Z. Zoo animal: ALL THE ZOO ANIMALS (but elephants are my favourite)

p.s. thank you for all the nice comments on my undie post ♥

a thousand miles

2011-09-27T01:20:00.000-04:00

as fat appreciation week(s) comes to a close i'm left with the sincere hope that i made a difference. even if it was a small one. i know that there are some people who still aren't ready to accept the radical notion of body acceptance, but i hope that one day the idea won't seem so far fetched.

thank you again to everyone for your wonderful, supportive comments, and a special thank you to my sweet bear for enduring the firestorm of emotions that got angered up inside of me over the past two weeks. sometimes i get worked up about stuff...

what will you take away from fat appreciation week(s)? has your attitude toward your own body changed at all? if not, do i have to punch some sense into you?

like i said, it won't happen overnight, but as bear often reminds me, a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. i know i still have a long way to go in my own thousand mile road trip, but in the meantime i'm a lot nicer to what i see in the mirror.

love and pink undies,
so pauvre

fattoos

2011-09-25T18:31:00.002-04:00

the diet industry wants us to believe that fat people aren't allowed to have fun and enjoy life. we can't wear fitted, brightly coloured clothes, or go to the beach, or even go out in public because we're too unsightly to even be seen. if we believe this we'll spend A LOT of money on their programs so we can finally start doing everything we always wanted to to. i've actually heard the phrase "we'll give you your life back!" on a commercial for a weight loss program. i wasn't aware that i had LOST my life.

there was a time in my life that i was actually stupid enough to think i couldn't do certain things because i was too fat. it was a really shitty thing to do myself and i don't even want to think about how much time i wasted being an idiot.

when i finally stopped being an idiot i did everything i thought i wasn't allowed to do because i was fat. i started wearing what i wanted to wear and doing what i wanted to do. and one of the things i wanted to do was get tattooed.

i used to be so ashamed of my body i couldn't even deal with the idea of a total stranger seeing my bare skin, but by the time i was twenty i was starting to feel ok about the idea and got my first tattoo. not long after i got my second. my third tattoo covers the entirety of the left side of my torso and hip. it took several sittings involving various states of almost naked to complete. eventually i got comfortable with strangers seeing my body. with the help of my beautiful new tattoo i started to feel more and more comfortable with my body. i wish it didn't take many, MANY hours of needling to make me realize that i liked the way i looked, but it was more about those walls i built around myself coming down - not just the tattoos.

anyone who has tattoos knows that after a while you forget they're there - like a birthmark, or a freckle. once i stopped noticing my tattoos, i just saw my body. i studied every curve, roll, and dimple. i tired to spend more time naked and eventually i didn't even feel naked anymore. at this point i actually feel MORE comfortable naked than i do wearing clothes!

the lesson of the story is: 1) don't let your body hold you back from the things you want to do. and 2) don't be afraid of your body. appreciate its uniqueness, its beauty, and if it pertains to you, its fatty, fatty goodness. also, special bonus lesson - it's fun being naked!

love so pauvre

roll models

2011-09-24T01:11:00.002-04:00

Your Gypsy Wife said...

Dear Pauvre,

Can you please talk about some of your ultimate 'body proud' role models and inspirations? Who are they? What do you admire most about their attitude towards their own bodies? And how do they express their pride and comfort in their own skin? This world is in desperate need of new definitions and variations of beauty!

dear my gypsy wife,

i'm really inspired by women who are fearless, confident, and have no shame around their bodies. a lot of women let their bodies define who they are and hold them back from doing or wearing certain things and it's really upsetting. i think it's really important to have strong, body positive role models who give no fucks about what other people think of them and be the women they want to be regardless of size.

some of the women who inspire me include, but are not limited to:

tess munster: GORGEOUS plus size model (who is actually plus sized)

beth ditto: singer/songwriter/fashion icon

adele: singer/songwriter/all kinds of awesome

tyra banks: model/actress/television host/photographer/smize enthusiast

basically any woman who doesn't let her body size control her is a personal hero of mine. every woman (and man) should be allowed to be themselves no matter their size. we all deserve to feel comfortable in our own skin.

love so pauvre
______________

and thus we conclude the most emotionally exhausting ask so pauvre ever. thank you to everyone who participated!

fat appreciation week(s) will wrap up on monday (i think) and then it's back to the surly, irreverent pauvre you all love so well. and i swear to capital c that if any of you even THINK about feeling badly about your bodies after this madness i won't be held responsible for my actions. seriously, i'll murder you in your sleep.

love so pauvre

just sexy

2011-09-22T23:59:00.000-04:00

melissa said...

Dear So Pauvre,

What do you think about TLC's "big sexy" show? I've only seen one episode, but I'm curious to know how others feel about it.

dear melissa,

i'm really on the fence about big sexy. the first scene of the first episode is one of the women putting on about four layers of spanx under her dress before "confidently" stepping out the door. it's confusing.

on one hand i like that it's drawing attention to the issues that plus size women face as a result of being hyper visual in society, but on the other hand, i'm not really down with "fat shows". why can't we just be people? why do we have to be segregated on special fat shows about fat people? for example: another TLC show, say yes to the dress, has special "big bliss" episodes featuring plus size women. aren't they all just women? do they want to warn skinny brides not to tune in on those nights? i don't get it.

i really have a problem, as a fat woman, as being seen as fat first and a woman second. i don't like the whole "look at us! we're FAT and we like the same things NORMAL women like! isn't that outrageous?!" i just wish body size didn't play into it. could you imagine a show about straight size models called "skinny sexy"? it would never fly, but somehow it's ok when fat women are the ones being marginalized? as a society i feel like we HAVE TO get away from being bodies (or ages, or sexual orientations, or professions, or disabilities, or lifestyle choices) first, and people second.

love so pauvre

p.s. i'd really like to hear how other women feel about the show, especially those of you who aren't fat. what do you think about big sexy?

beyond compare

2011-09-21T20:14:00.001-04:00

Carolyn said...

Dear So Pauvre,

Why do I have a crisis of confidence / feel like I failed when my jeans don't fit any more? I realize I am a wonderful person with a lot of good qualities, and my self-worth is not a reflection of my pant size. How is it possible to believe both of these things at the same time? Am I going crazy?

dear carolyn,

your question basically sums up the reason behind fat appreciation week, and i'm certain you're not alone in feeling the way you do. i can say that i have, and sometimes still do, feel the same way.

it takes a long time to reverse a lifetime of brainwashing. it can also be VERY difficult not to compare yourself to others. if you're like me, and you have ONLY jaw-droppingly gorgeous friends (yourself included) it can be rough. sometimes i'll be feeling great about myself then someone takes a picture of me beside ANYONE and i immediately look like andre the giant and feel like garbage. comparing yourself to anyone else never ends well. you have to really start appreciating what makes you different and special.

losing your confidence or feeling like a failure when your jeans don't fit is as much a bad habit as smoking or biting your nails - you know you shouldn't, but you do anyway. so, like any bad habit, it takes hard work and dedication to break. work on admiring your body's strength and beauty rather than scrutinizing every tiny flaw. try to see yourself as a whole person rather than just a body. it won't happen over night, but over time it will get easier and easier. you have so much more to offer the world than just looking good in a pair of jeans.

you're the only one who can decide to love what you see in the mirror every day, and you deserve to because you're my (beautiful, smart, funny, adventurous, supportive) friend and i love you.

also, stretch pants are underrated.

love so pauvre

aerobique

2011-09-20T22:17:00.009-04:00

Amber Blue Bird said...

Dear So Pauvre,

I've been told by my doctor that I should exercise for 15-20 minutes a few times a week. How do I explain to her that she is doing the devil's work?

PS how did you get to be so awesome...did it have anything to do with me?

dear amber blue bird,

doctors are pretty much contractually obligated to tell everyone to exercise. apparently it's the solution to all of life's problems.

maybe if i had this outfit and champagne on ice i'd consider possibly starting to think about exercising more.

i really have no idea what a non fat person's doctor's visits are like, but for a long time mine consisted of my radiantly beautiful, south african super model doctor telling me i was on the verge of death because of my weight even though i had no other symptoms of "obesity related health complications" other than the fact that i was fat. during the time i was seeing "dr. pretty" i was VERY active on account of riding my bike to and from work five days a week, and was eating very healthfully, but i still couldn't lose the weight she wanted me to lose. her answer: stop eating pasta. well, i maybe ate pasta once a month, so clearly that was the problem. when i moved to PA i was happy to be rid of dr. pretty.

when i finally got to see a doctor here she didn't once harp on me to lose weight. instead she tested my thyroid and found out it was basically dead, thus making it very easy for me to gain weight and very difficult for me to lose it. her only comment to me was "everyone should strive to be a little more active, but i'm sure you know that."

it was a glorious victory. why yes, i DO know that it's a good idea to exercise, and thank you for not blaming all of my problems on my fat! like i said before, i feel like what we do is up to us. if you want to exercise, then exercise. if you don't want to, then don't. i'll still love you no matter what!

my advice for dealing with your doctor is to smile and nod and then mess up all the magazines on your way out. that will show everybody...

also, i'm not really sure how i got so awesome, but most likely it was all your doing.

love so pauvre

"real" beauty

2011-09-19T23:32:00.000-04:00

cb said...

if you were a magazine editor what ladies would you grace the covers to show young ladies of today that all shapes and sizes are beautiful. how do you feel about the dove campaigns?

dear cb,

if i was in charge, like i should be of all things, i would definitely want to eradicate the idea that there is a "standard" of beauty that one must strive to attain, because THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE.

the fashion and beauty industries are multi-billion dollar money makers that, like the diet industry, use our insecurities to sell their products. i really didn't know i had to worry about "eyelash thinning" until a commercial for PRESCRIPTION MASCARA told me i should be. like i don't have enough problems?

if i had my own magazine i would definitely want to showcase woman of all shapes, sizes, colours, etc. and highlight natural beauty instead of fake, plastic everything.

like most women, i loved the dove "campaign for real beauty". but then i did some research:

...a shitstorm of controversy hit in 2008 when digital artist Pascal Dangin admitted to The New Yorker that he had actively manipulated all of the print advertisements in the Dove campaign, which as you may remember was completely centered around the notion that all of its models were being presented makeup- and Photoshop-free.

The other eye was blackened in 2010 when several Internet sites caught wind of a New York casting call by Dove looking for a very specific type of "real" woman.

(source.)

natural beauty? only if you have flawless skin, no tattoos or scars, are well groomed and clean, have a nice body, are naturally fit, not too curvy, not too athletic, stylish and cool, you know - a "REAL" woman.

none of these women look like me.

there was obviously a lot of controversy over the validity of the claims against dove, but it was enough of a disaster to end the campaign in early 2011 after a seven year run.

the campaign itself was designed to be controversial, and although it drew some much needed attention to the issue of women's self esteem, it also sold a crap load of soap. i realized the campaign for real beauty, at it's core, was nothing more than clever advertising when dove "self esteem kits" filled with product samples and coupons were handed out in my eating disorder support group. yeaaaahhh...

so in conclusion - natural, individual beauty = good. manufactured, contrived beauty = bad.

love so pauvre
__________

fat fact

2011-09-19T13:15:00.002-04:00

in 2010 americans spent $60.9 billion on weight loss products.

fat appreciation week continues

2011-09-18T21:06:00.000-04:00

punch said...

question 1:

how can i believe that my partner doesn't secretly think i'm ugly because i don't look like a magazine (thanks media)?

question 2:

how do i teach my children to eat healthy without them taking away the message that i don't want to be fat even though that's not what i'm talking about (thanks, media).

dear punch,

every woman wants to be told she's beautiful - especially by her partner. however, most men don't understand that you don't already know you're beautiful. there's a good chance your partner assumes you are aware that you're beautiful and that he loves you because that's why he married you. he wanted you more than all the rest! also, you should already know you're beautiful because i say so.

as far as teaching your children to eat healthy without any negative connotations, i have no idea how to be a mother, so my advice is purely based on personal experience.

as i child of two young, working parents 90% of my meals were from the frozen food aisle. i would eat dinner at a friend's house and be confused by all of the green items and the drinking of milk. as an adult i totally understand that my parents a) didn't give two shits about nutrition, b) didn't have the money or time to prepare healthy home made meals, c) hated each other. my mom also struggled with weight and body issues, so i grew up very familiar with diet mentality and was never taught about nutrition and the health benefits of eating certain foods. it was a perfect storm of confusion. there were times that i would be put on a diet and i really didn't understand why everyone else could eat pizza and cheeseburgers and i had to have a measuring cup full of cottage cheese. it was never a matter of what was healthy, it was more like "you're a fat embarrassment to your family so we're punishing you with celery." try not to let that happen if at all possible...

all i can say is if you have children and you personally struggle with food or weight issues you HAVE TO keep that shit on lockdown. children are very perceptive and their little brain sponges will soak up all your neuroses if you leave them lying around. other than that, all you can do is try to cram some vegetables down their tiny little throats and hope for the best.

maybe try sculpting them into animals first?

this is seriously the number one reason why i'm never having children. i literally have no idea how to make sure they don't grow up to become malnourished sociopaths.

love so pauvre

to be continued

2011-09-16T01:28:00.000-04:00

i'm pretty emotionally exhausted from letting my heart bleed all over the interwebs this week, so i'm going to put a little "to be continued" up here for today. thank you so much to everyone for being so supportive of fat appreciation week - i've really enjoyed reading your feedback and i hope you'll join me again next week for the exciting conclusion!

before i dive head first into a gin and tonic (where i plan on remaining for the next two days) i wanted to introduce everyone to hilda - a sweet and sexy plus size pin-up created by duane bryers in the 1940s. i stumbled upon her a few years ago when i googled "fat pin-up", and i'm so happy i did. she makes me want to sew my own flour sack bikini...

love and love handles,
so pauvre

just the way you are

2011-09-14T18:25:00.000-04:00

Suburban Hypocrite said...

Dear so pauvre:

I'm quite happy with my body as it is. I DO, however carry around some extra poundage, the amount varying from month to month. Occasionally I will say "I'd like to drop a few pounds to fit into a bridesmaid dress/get rid of the roll hanging over the top of my bathing suit/etc." People generally respond with "You're not fat! Why would you lose weight?" No matter how I explain myself, people still think I have a body image problem. I don't think there's anything wrong with being interested in losing weight provided your self esteem doesn't hang on your success or failure. What do you think?

dear suburban hypocrite,

i'm one of the people telling you you're crazy and shouldn't feel like you have to lose weight. i tell EVERYONE that, no matter what size they are.

this is how i see it, if you're concerned about how you look in a bridesmaid dress or bathing suit then i feel like your self esteem DOES hang on your success or failure. if it didn't you'd be strutting around the beach with your belly proudly on display and not giving a shit about how you look in that bridesmaid dress. there's no possible way to look good in one of those anyway...

the bridesmaid dress is one of my most hated of all things. any situation where several women with different body types are forced to wear the same dress is a nightmare. i've been "the fat bridesmaid" in more weddings than i can even deal with, and each time i starved myself for MONTHS before the wedding only to gain all my weight back plus ten pounds within a month. that was before i smartened the eff up.

what you look like is such a small part of who you are. your appearance, what you wear, and how you look/think you look in what you wear does not determine your worth. if you want to change your appearance that is ultimately your decision like everything else, but it's the feeling of obligation to look a certain way is what i disagree with. fighting against your body to make it what you want can be really damaging and all-consuming, so make sure you're doing whatever you're doing for you and not for anyone else. and don't lie. everyone says they want to lose weight to "feel better about themselves". why do you feel bad in the first place? i assure you it has nothing to do with the size of your body.

you're perfect just the way you are.

love so pauvre

ch-ch-choices

2011-09-14T00:10:00.000-04:00

Chris C. said...

Dear So Pauvre,

How is a self-conscious bear supposed to live with himself in a world that simultaneously makes him feel bad for not having a six pack and fills buildings with chairs that don't fit his bottom . . . but also shouts at him daily with offers of affordable "never ending pasta bowls" and "all you can eat shrimp feasts." It's vexing.

Love,
a hungry bear

Side question . . . how am I supposed to be active when I work 6-7 days a week, sometimes 11-12 hours . . . and all my most treasured hobbies and pursuits require sitting?

PS. My doctor is mean.

dear hungry bear,

america is the fattest nation in the world, and now that i live here i know why. mass quantities of processed food are cheap as shit and very easy to acquire. basically if i want to eat something that isn't a burger and fries i have to drive twenty minutes out of my way and pay twice as much for half the food. most of america is overworked, underpaid, has children and a life it can't afford, huge amounts of debt, etc. when you have to deal with all of that garbage it's easy to not give a crap about what you eat. whatever is cheap, fast, and gets me home to my couch the soonest is usually the preferred option. it also doesn't help that an entire meal for two at mcdonalds costs less than five apples. every week i have dreams of filling our grocery cart with fresh produce and whole grains, and then i remember we're hobos and i have to settle on whatever is 10 for $10. it's a HUGE problem.

the fast food industry rakes in billions of dollars a year, and the only way to continue doing so is to offer up never ending pasta bowls and all you can eat EVERYTHING at the lowest possible price to attract the exhausted, broke american in search of a cheap and easy dinner.

the diet industry is also sleeping on a huge pile of america's money each night, and you know why? because DIETS DON'T WORK. they are literally designed to fail. diet companies don't profit if we feel good about ourselves. i recently read an article about a woman who re-joined weight watchers THIRTY SEVEN times, each time forking out more and more money for a program that clearly doesn't work. being told we can't be happy if we're not thin is a simple strategy that preys on a person's weaknesses and makes it seem like all of their problems will be solved if only they were thin. (they won't be.)

i really wish this wasn't the mess we were in, but we're up to our over-sized asses in it. all we can really do is make a choice.

every day i try to take care of myself the best i can. that doesn't mean i don't eat the occasional baconator, but i try and make healthy choices more than unhealthy ones. however, if i chose to eat a pint of ben and jerry's at 11pm because my uterus is on fire with rage, that's my choice. it's no one else's business what you eat, how much you exercise, what you weigh, if you smoke, if you drink, how you dress, etc. life can be a pretty huge bitch sometimes, and you have to do what makes YOU happy. if you want a never ending pasta bowl, then eat one and don't feel guilty about it. if you don't want to put yourself through the excruciating torture of dieting then don't feel like you SHOULD. just live. no one worth a damn will care if you're fat or if you're thin anyway. you should feel good about yourself knowing that you are a good person, that you work hard, and that you have people (and a fox) in your life who will love you no matter what you look like in a bathing suit. personally i prefer a soft bear belly to "ripped" abdominals anyway...

as for making time for exercise, you either do or you don't. it's something that is important to you, or it's not. for some people exercise IS their hobby, but like you, most of my free time is spent sitting as i enjoy writing and watching netflix more than i do going for a walk in the humidity and getting attacked by bugs and barked at by dogs. i'm TERRIBLE at exercising, and i always will be. i don't enjoy it, i hate being sweaty, and there are a skillion other things i'd rather be doing. but again, it's my choice. when i want to be active, i'm active. when i want to drink a pitcher of margaritas, i drink a pitcher of margaritas. you don't HAVE to do anything.

basically, "health" as an attainable state of being is not everyone's top priority. most of my days are filled with severe anxiety, sleep deprivation, worrying about not having any money, missing my friends, and trying to find a job that pays me more than a ziplock full of pennies every week. to be honest, i'm usually so exhausted from all of that bullshit that the last thing i want to do is spend a half hour making an effing salad that satisfies neither my taste buds, nor my rumbling belly. we're all going to get cancer from EVERYTHING anyway, so we might as well just relax and do what we want.

also, your doctor is a bastard. find one that doesn't make you feel worse about yourself than you already do and has actual human compassion. there was a time doctors prescribed smoking. they're not always right.

love so pauvre

the weight

2011-09-12T23:31:00.000-04:00

thank you so much to everyone who submitted questions to ask so pauvre. i was really worried that no one would comment since it's such a personal subject, so thank you again! i've been working on responses all day and it's quite possible that fat appreciation week may evolve into fat appreciation MONTH. turns out i have a lot to say...

when i decided to invent fat appreciation week i really didn't have a plan. i've been letting negative thoughts about my own body creep in lately and i HATE it. i need to constantly remind myself to shut out all the noise that tells me i need to look a certain way to be happy. in a way this week is my reminder, and i'm hoping it will be yours too.

at work i'm forced to listen to easy rock radio. it's AWFUL. and as if hearing don henley's heart of the matter a minimum of once an hour isn't enough torture, every other commercial is for a) miracle weight loss programs or b) plastic surgery centers. i basically have to hear about "stubborn, unwanted fat" all the live long day. after a while, even if it's only a subliminal level, the message that fat=gross burns itself into my brain. sometimes it's really difficult to shut that message out, especially because we live in a society that isn't designed for fat people. clothes are too small for us, chairs too narrow, bathtubs too shallow. it's very easy to feel badly about your body when it doesn't fit.

even when i was much less fat than i am now, i was constantly terrified of not fitting. whether it was a desk at school, a seat on the subway, or even in the back of a cab with my friends. i always felt embarrassed about having to squeeze into... everything. i always hated myself for not fitting and i would fight tooth and nail in an attempt to fit. i lost the fight every time. i simply could not, and would not ever fit. everyone's body is built differently, we all know this. so why don't we understand that what works for some, does not necessarily work for all?

mila kunis recently told british glamour that "people who say they can't lose weight are lying." oh. thank you for your helpful insight doctor kunis. she added that "your body can do everything and anything, you just have to want to do it." again, so so helpful. our bodies, as magical and resilient as they my be, are definitely NOT capable of "everything and anything".

fat people must shoulder the stigma that basically every non fat person thinks they must eat enough for a family of six each day and only roll off the couch when it's time to eat. yes, that may very well be the reason SOME people are fat, but not all. genetics, endocrine function, lifestyle, medications and metabolism all play a role in determining a person’s weight.

when i was 18 my gallbladder was removed, and in case you weren't aware of what your gallbladder does IT BREAKS DOWN FAT. so right away that puts my body at a disadvantage. i was also recently diagnosed with an underactive thyroid. again, what does a thyroid do? IT REGULATES YOUR METABOLISM. so basically everything a person naturally has in their body to help metabolize fat i don't have or is broken. i'm on three different medications that are known to CAUSE weight gain. throw in my ever present insomnia and you've got a fully functional fat factory! so please take into account that for some of us, even though we might want to/try to lose weight, our bodies might have other plans.

long time readers know that i've basically been on a diet since i was a small child. i've tried it all, and most of it wasn't pretty. i've probably spent a small fortune on diet products, work out dvds, and on throwing an entire fridge full of food away at least once a month because i was so afraid of eating the wrong thing. i've lost weight and gained it more times than i can even count. each time a diet failed i would gain more and more. i developed severe anxiety around food as a result of constant dieting. there was a time i couldn't even walk into a grocery store without having a panic attack because i was basically terrified of food. ask my ever patient husbear what happens when we go food shopping and he would probably just let out a pained sigh and shrug his shoulders. i can't plan meals because i hate thinking about food. i can't cook because i don't even want to interact with it any more than i absolutely have to. i can barely even choose what i WANT to eat when we go shopping. i'll stand in the aisle for 20 minutes trying to decide on what yogurt to buy only to get it home and remember i hate yogurt. it's ALWAYS an ordeal. what would food shopping be like if i had a normal relationship with food? if i just bought the food i liked without worrying that i made the wrong choices? i can't even conceive of that freedom. diets fuck you up. bad.

a few months ago i wrote about normal eating and how it's basically my dream. i still struggle with it daily. it's VERY hard to reverse a lifetime of damaging thought patterns and emotional eating habits no matter how badly i want to, but all i can do is try. my goal at this point isn't weight loss, but a healthy relationship with food , which is even more difficult than actually losing weight. and food is only half the problem.

physical activity is, of course, the other half. we all know we need to do it, but it's something that can be very difficult if you're fat. it hurts, it's not usually fun, and your fat can sometimes get in the way of even fitting on some exercise equipment. bear and i had to go to three stores to find an exercise bike that had higher than a 250 pound weight limit, and when we finally did find one it was obviously the most expensive model. oh, and you can forget about finding a comfortable sports bra in a 42DDD. again, all we can do is try. i hate physical activity even more than i hate food, but i understand it's an important part of being healthy. i do what my body feels comfortable with and don't beat myself up if i'm too tired or busy doing something else i actually enjoy. if you exercise specifically to lose weight that's a dangerous game. like i said before, your body might have other plans. it IS possible to be fit and fat i promise. do what feels right for your own body. no one else can tell you what you should or should not be doing.

you are the only person who can decide how to live your life. personally, i'm tired of wasting all my energy focusing on my weight. i do my best to eat healthfully, squeeze in some physical activity when my body isn't too destroyed from standing all day at work, and (on a good night) get enough sleep to feel like i wasn't run over by a bus. be nice to your body. feed it. embrace it. give it what it needs. it may not ever look or feel the way you want, but it's the only body you have, so you might as well learn to love it.

fat acceptance and a positive body image definitely don't come easy, but i strongly believe they are worth fighting for. no one has the right to make you feel like you don't fit.

until victory always,
love so pauvre

ask so pauvre: fat appreciation week edition

2011-09-12T00:09:00.002-04:00

i couldn't be more excited about so pauvre's first ever fat appreciation week! i really hope that it will inspire you to be a little nicer to yourself and your body. or, at the very least, feel mildly less like crap...

let's get things rolling with a special edition of ask so pauvre! leave your fat acceptance/body image related questions in the comments of today's post between now and friday and i'll post the responses throughout the week.

illustration by amanda chronister

thank you for supporting fat appreciation week!

love so pauvre

fattypalooza

2011-09-09T02:34:00.003-04:00

now that i'm no longer terrified of drinking poison water i can get back to the business of bloggery. thank you all for your support during my dehydrating ordeal.

ANYWHO, lately it feels like i can't go a single day, or even a single HOUR without diet propaganda, body shaming, and general intolerance for "imperfect" bodies being CRAMMED in my face. it's complete and utter BULLSHIT and it needs to change. basically i'm mad as hell and i'm not going to take it anymore. SO i've decided that next week is officially so pauvre's first annual fat appreciation week!

fat/fabulous sticker by aimee fleck

that's right children, a whole effing WEEK of nothing but full fat, rich and creamy, in your face fattitude. and even if you're not fat, i want everyone reading this to feel good about their body no matter what it looks like, and ESPECIALLY what you THINK it looks like. NO MATTER WHAT. got it? good.

i've been working on next week's posts for two weeks, so i'm really excited to finally share them with you! see you monday!

fatty 4 lyfe,
love so pauvre

don't drink the water: a non-disgruntled update

2011-09-08T15:59:00.005-04:00

our water isn't poison anymore!!! hallelujah.

don't drink the water: a digrunted update

2011-09-07T20:47:00.008-04:00

it's day four of the boil water advisory and i couldn't be more annoyed. i finally snapped last night when i scalded myself with boiling water attempting to rinse the dishes.

i'm pretty dehydrated as a result of the boiled water AND bottled water tasting bad, and i'm almost out of gin.

the water authority "anticipates" the advisory being lifted by tomorrow, but who the hell knows.

speaking of water - it's literally been raining for two weeks. there isn't even ONE sunshine on my weather dash until SUNDAY. between too much water outside and not enough (non-contaminated) water inside i pretty much want to stay in bed until this farce of a week is over.

i hope everyone is enjoying their poison free water... jerks.

love so pauvre

don't drink the water

2011-09-05T20:43:00.008-04:00

after the whole hurricane fiasco last weekend i was really looking forward to a nice, hysteria free labour day. then we got a notice from the township that our water was probably contaminated. GREAT. two straight weekends of people rioting for bottled water. awesome. oh, and it won't be safe to drink until THURSDAY.

you know what blows? boiling all your water before drinking it, brushing your teeth with it, and washing your dishes in it. i'm just going to drink straight gin until it's fixed. as for brushing my teeth and washing my dishes, also gin.

dear modern conveniences,

i'm sorry i take you for granted each day. please NEVER LEAVE ME again.

love so pauvre

potato chips and champagne

2011-09-02T15:29:00.007-04:00

september first has now come and gone and i didn't die from potato chip withdrawal. it was touch and go for the first two weeks, but eventually i was able to quiet the siren song of my salty mistress.

as stipulated in the contest rules, i was allowed one bag of chips on the first of the month and then i could choose to either resume my life as a chip fiend, OR give them up for another month in exchange for another prize. last night i picked up a bag of my beloved original ruffles and some french onion dip and planned on not coming up for air until the entire bag was devoured. then something unexpected happened...

after a few handfuls i thought "i don't even really want these." (I KNOW!!!) at first i was scared, and a little afraid, but then i was kind of excited that i had seemingly cured myself of my crippling potato chip addiction! i think bear almost fell off the couch when i told him. he's taking me to the yankee store tonight to claim my prize and CAN'T wait for our house to not stink for a month. our house a lot of stinks that we pretty much need to call an exorcist to get rid of, so for now my candle is heaven scent. (see what i did there? so clever.)

so there you have it children, it IS possible to break bad habits, but don't forget to weasel free stuff out of the deal while you're at it.

love so pauvre

for punch

2011-08-31T00:44:00.000-04:00

because she gets it.

i forgot that when you have to interact with the unwashed masses on a daily basis you basically want to kill everyone.

control your children or get out.

when i say "how are you?" don't say "no thank you."

you either have your points card or you don't. those are your options.

we're closing in five minutes means we're fucking closing in five minutes fuck face.

"using up some of this change" is a privilege, not a right.

actually, just get out.

good times, bad times

2011-08-29T12:44:00.000-04:00

a year ago today bear was on his way to the rose city to collect his fox and her meager possessions to start a new life together in the wilds of suburban pennsylvania.

at times this year felt like it would never end. there were definitely some dark, DARK, times involving me, insomnia, and being 8 hours away from the last 29 years of my life, but through it all i had a bear. no matter how insane i was, no matter how much i cried, no matter how many sleepless nights, he was there for me (with chocolate) when i needed him most. sometimes i still can't believe that he basically agreed to endure an entire lifetime of my surly insanity when he said "i do". (no refunds.) he's literally the best thing that could have ever happened to me, and i'll love him forever for not running away screaming at any point during our relationship.

we spent most of the year at the mercy of the american government. every month there was new paperwork to complete, and instructions to follow, never knowing if and when we'd be given our golden ticket. thousands of dollars, one tuberculosis x-ray, and several terrifying ordeals later, i'm allowed to live with my husbear. hooray!

during the last year i really learned who my true friends are. they took the time to send me letters and treats in the mail, talk to me EVERY DAY online and on BBM, and even traveled all the way here just to see me. i probably/definitely would have murdered some people if i didn't have them talking me out of it on a daily basis.

things can only get better (right???) from here on. all of my government paperwork has been filed, bear and i are both employed, and i'm back to my old, heavily medicated self! i really can't emphasize enough how important it is for me to be medicated...

thank you to everyone who helped me survive the last year. and the year before that. and the year before that. and the year before that... seriously, what the fuck last four years of my life??? you really were an asshole.

love so pauvre

hurricane hysteria

2011-08-27T15:06:00.000-04:00

with the impending arrival of hurricane "i'm a huge bitch" irene, americans on the east coast have reached dizzying new levels of hysteria. even where i live, which is about 100 miles/160 kilometers from the coastline, people have been losing their shit. i understand that coastal areas have the potential of being hit hard by the storm, and that really blows, but the rest of the country needs to chill the fuck out.

yes i'm terrified of the power going out because, as longtime readers know, it's pretty much my worst nightmare, but i'm also not ransacking stores and hoarding supplies like it's armageddon. i'm not saying don't be prepared, but i AM saying try to keep the hysteria to a dull roar.

the ONLY time hysteria is a good thing.

it's day four of the hurricane's a comin' warnings so by now anyone living in hurricane hot spots should have taken the necessary precautions/gotten the hell out of town. power companies are ready to put in some serious overtime and workers from other states are even volunteering their services to ensure power outages won't ruin lives. but you know who's not telling you that? the news. there's no money to be made when people aren't crippled with fear.

someone actually asked me why we weren't boarding up the windows at the store last night. i wanted to say "because we're 100 miles from the ocean ass face", but instead i said i don't get paid nearly enough for that kind of manual labour. like yeah, it's gonna rain. hard. and it's gonna be windy. super windy. and yes, shit's gonna probably going to flood. but anyone who passed grade seven knows that when a hurricane reaches land it loses much of it's strength. so i say again, CALM THE FUCK DOWN. and if you live on the coast, i sincerely hope your shit doesn't get too messed up and that everyone will be safe and sound. nature can be a serious jerk sometimes.

dear hurricane irene,

it would be really great if you just fucked off and went home already. we really have enough problems without you tearing shit up just because you feel like it. no one likes you.

love so pauvre

pauvre DOESN'T go on a diet

2011-08-24T20:11:00.000-04:00

i thought it might be fitting to follow up the nightmare that is maggie goes on a diet with a post about me eating multiple cheesesteaks in less than 48 hours.

last saturday my dad, otherwise known as handy andy and/or driving to the airport, drove down to visit his beloved first born daughter. my dad and i have always had a love/hate relationship with each other, but it turns out all it took was for me to move 337 miles/542 kilometers away for him to realize i'm awesome.

our plan for the weekend was a visit to philadelphia for the sole purpose of eating as many cheesesteaks as possible before blacking out. i'm not really a big fan of philly because it's - as bear would say - a trash heap, but it turns out that giant meat sandwiches are enough to get me to go just about anywhere.

one of the most famous cheesesteaks in philly can be found at pat's king of steaks. according to legend, the sandwich was invented and perfected here. we literally lined up into the street. in traffic. for a cheesesteak.

and it's not like pat's is the only game in town. there are cheesesteak shops on nearly every corner and geno's is DIRECTLY ACROSS THE STREET. both were lined up around the block. we clearly weren't the only ones who came to philly with a purpose.

pat's is notorious for being a bastard if you don't follow the rules when ordering. there was almost a soup nazi situation when handy fumbled under pressure, but we got lucky and narrowly escaped with our sandwiches.

as i mentioned before, a TRUE cheesesteak is smothered in cheese whiz - which i LOVE - and you can really only get it in philly. it was totally worth waiting in line and getting yelled at by an angry italian man...

on sunday we hopped on a double decker bus tour of the city and learned all about the many historical and cultural attractions in the city of brotherly love. why is called the city of brotherly love you ask? well, philadelphia is compounded from the greek philos (loving), and adelphos (brother). fascinating!

most pictures i have of my dad he has a camera stuck to his face. i guess that's where i get my obnoxious photography gene.

philadelphia: a trash heap in blurry, moving bus photos by so pauvre

city hall:

eastern state penitentiary (i REALLY want to go on a ghost-riddled tour of this place, who wants to come with?) :

the "rocky stairs"/philadelphia museum of art:

rocky statue with small child:

the FIRST american post office (*mail nerd squeal*):

betsey ross house:

unfortunately-designed william penn statue high atop city hall:

the end.

after being reassured by the tour that i really can't give two shits about non haunted prison related american history we got off the bus at the good ol' reading terminal market for lunch. i got cheesesteak number two from carmen's - much less stressful than pat's, but not QUITE as good (pat's rolls were better).

handy got the roast pork, provolone, and broccoli raab man vs. food sandwich from di nick's that bear had last time we were there, but added red peppers. my dad was breaking food rules all over town!

after lunch i got a black and white cookie for the road and we concluded our philadelphia adventure by driving away as fast as we could. seriously, trash heap.

the next day bear's mom made cheesesteaks for dinner. you better believe i ate one. NO REGRETS!

love so pauvre

what the motherloving fuck

2011-08-23T09:13:00.001-04:00

yesterday a book called "maggie goes on a diet" came across my tumblr dash. i thought "there's no way in hell that's real." i was wrong.

Maggie has so much potential that has been hiding under her extra weight. This inspiring story about a 14 year old who goes on a diet and is transformed from being overweight and insecure to a normal sized teen who becomes the school soccer star. Through time, exercise and hard work, Maggie becomes more and more confident and develops a positive self image.

"so much potential hiding under her extra weight", "normal sized", develops a positive body image only AFTER she's "transformed"??? son of a bitch.

sometimes all the exercise and hard work in the world isn't enough to "transform" into someone with a "normal" sized body. as a fat child i tried, really hard, to be "normal". i tried out for sports teams and tried my best every day in phys ed, but you know what? i never made any of the school teams and got hit in the face with more dodge balls than you'll ever know. other kids would make fun of me for even attempting to be "normal". even in high school i elected to take phys ed even after it became optional and i was STILL laughed at and pitied for being the last one to finish running laps, and picked last for EVERYTHING. there was no transformation and i only ended up feeling WORSE about myself because i couldn't keep up. no child should have to go through that pain.

the idea of children as young as 4 years old being exposed to diet propaganda disguised as "healthy lifestyle choices" makes me so angry i'm literally on fire. and oh, did i mention that it's self published by a male author? fucker.

if you're even HALF as disgusted as i am, you can contact the bastard responsible via aloha publishers and "kindly suggest" he reconsider publishing this piece of shit abomination.

what disturbs me almost more than the fact that this book was written, is the idea of any parent who would even CONSIDER buying this for their child. "here's a book reminding you that you're not worthy of happiness or love because you're fat." your child will be crying her eyes out in a psychiatrist's office for the rest of her life i assure you. encourage eating healthy food and activity, but please don't teach your children that being fat is "abnormal" and ugly.

i'm never going to stop fighting. i REFUSE to be bullied by the diet industry, by assholes like paul kramer, or anyone by else because i'm not NORMAL.

until victory always,
love so pauvre

babies? no thanks.

2011-08-21T23:35:00.000-04:00

the second you get married it's inevitable that people will start to ask when you're going to have babies. it's almost as annoying as "how's married life?" ummm... the same as living together life? anywho, people are usually horrified when i tell them that bear and i WILL NOT be having children. EVER. i usually get looks of disappointment followed by "awwww why not???" first of all, rude. second, SO MANY reasons.

i have a lot of friends with adorable babies - and that's wonderful for them - it's just not my deal. i love my friends' babies, they're hilarious and awesome. that being said, i'm perfectly happy to bask in their children once a year and then resume my life free of diapers and barf. i have enough problems without being responsible for a tiny human life...

it's not just that i believe i would be a terrible mother ("go watch tv, mommy needs a drink."), but really i can't be bothered. luckily bear feels the same way, plus he doesn't want to share his toys.

last week bear sent me this clip of our beloved aziz ansari perfectly putting into words how we feel about having children:

does anyone want to buy my uterus (cheap)? it's really just taking up space. free bonus ovaries included!

seriously, let me know.

love so pauvre

battle ice: italy vs. poland

2011-08-18T11:16:00.000-04:00

if you're a loyal so pauvre reader you already know of my intense love for rita's italian ice. i could seriously eat it every day of my life, sometimes twice. so when i heard about TLC's polish water ice claiming "custard like" ice i HAD to try it.

recently a polish water ice billboard went up a stone's throw from rita's insinuating that it was much more conveniently located. it is not. it is at least 20 minutes into the middle of nowhere away from rita's, AND the employees were wearing shirts that said "rita who?" on the back! jeez polish water ice, nothing like being subtle.

their ice didn't come in nearly as many flavours as rita's, but luckily they had cotton candy, which is one of my favourites at rita's so i could easily compare. bear got banana as you can clearly see by the natural yellow colour:

bear described it as tasting like it was made out of banana laffy taffy and not actual bananas. which was true. personally i love banana laffy taffy, but the banana ice at rita's has chunks of real bananas in it. FAIL.

this is bear's unimpressed face:

the polish ice did have a creamier texture, but it basically tasted like chemicals. FAIL. and yes, my face is still bruised.

the best thing about this place was the "big choice" claw machine:

SO MANY choices of shitty plastic balls! bear said the machine should just be called "fuck you". i love him.

obviously rita's is the clear winner of battle ice. sorry poland, you have many tasty treats to offer me, but leave the ice to italy.

love so pauvre

general (nude) miscellany

2011-08-17T12:10:00.001-04:00

thank you to everyone for your helpful foot care advice. right now mine feel like i walked through broken glass that was also on fire. i've been soaking them in a bucket of ice water every night, which is hideously painful, but i feel mildly less like dying afterward.

anywho, i have off today and i basically don't want to do anything but sit naked in the hot tub with a bottle of gin. i'll give you a moment to savour that visual... got it? good. me being nude is key here.

i'm just over the halfway point of the no chip challenge. i'm not going to lie, it blows. i've been trying to keep my eye on the prize by smelling yankee candles every chance i get. i have it narrowed down to maple pancakes or pumpkin butter cream, but really i feel like not harming myself or others over the last 16 days deserves a minimum of two prizes at this point. i told bear that at midnight on the 31st i'm eating six bags of chips with no remorse. probably whilst nude.

love so pauvre

it kind of feels like that one scene in misery...

2011-08-14T17:39:00.009-04:00

even though i've worked in retail for basically my entire life, it's been a LONG time since i had to stand for an entire shift. i think i was maybe 24 the last time, and i worked in a shop with a STRICT no sitting policy. i would volunteer for tedious jobs in the scary, rat infested basement just so i could effing sit down for an hour. i remember feeling crippled at the end of each day as i hobbled to the subway, dreaming of chopping my legs off at the knee so i would never have to stand again.

after my shifts this week i was lucky to even make it to my car. i felt about 90 years old. my feet THROBBED well into the night and all i could think of was $7.25 an hour...

i told you i'd be complaining in a week...

but seriously, i pretty much want to die my feet hurt so bad. and this is in flats with arch supporting, shock absorbing insoles! son of a bitch. does anyone else stand all day at their job? any suggestions that might help me make it through my next shift/put the axe back in the shed will be greatly appreciated.

working girl

2011-08-10T01:09:00.000-04:00

today is my first day of work as a conditional permanent resident of the united states! it's very exciting/terrifying. since i basically haven't left the house in a year it will be a big adjustment. also, having to wear a bra on a regular basis again doesn't exactly thrill me.

the biggest adjustment will be accepting that minimum wage in pennsylvania is $7.25 an hour. i literally made more than that babysitting in high school. the current minimum wage in ontario is $10.25 an hour, so even when you factor in exchange rate, taxes, blah blah blah, it's still hard for me to swallow. and since no one has offered to buy one of my kidneys it will have to do for now.

anywho, i'm excited to get out of the house for a few hours a day and to feel like a productive member of society again. i mean, not that screen capping roller boogie and watching four straight seasons of ghost adventures in one week wasn't productive...

wish me luck!
love so pauvre

fox and bear's first picnic

2011-08-06T16:43:00.001-04:00

i generally don't enjoy being outdoors unless i'm swimming or there's food involved. bear on the other hand LOVES being outside and enjoying "artwork in nature" pretty much any time. so we've decided a picnic is the perfect way for bear to enjoy outdoor time and for me to be distracted from the fact that i'm outside by eating.

this weekend was our first picnic together! i really don't know why we didn't think of sooner. we drove to a local park and chose a pretty spot where there wasn't too much goose crap. seriously geese, you really need to cool it with the crap.

our picnic lunch was mostly furnished by our beloved wawa - sandwiches, a cheddar stuffed pretzel, and an HEAVILY glazed apple fritter! please note the absence of chips and the presence of carrot sticks:

son of a bitch i hate carrot sticks.

most of the time bear and i made fun of all the people walking and jogging along the trail as we munched on our sandwiches. "hey, lets go to the park and walk in a circle! bring the kids, they LOVE IT when it's so hot you could die outside!" how is that in any way fun? physical activity is for suckers.

can you see the awesome purple bruise on my face? that was what i got instead of a free toothbrush from my dentist. but that's a different story for a different day...

when i wear this outfit i like to say that i'm in my wedding dress, because i wore the top and jeans to marry my bear! it's funny to me ok.

cattails: nature's corn dog.

anywho, bear and i had fun in the park and even more fun when we were back in the air conditioned comfort of my beloved indoors.

what are your favourite picnic treats? (if you even THINK of writing chips, so help me i will burn down your village.)

a whiter shade of pale: a pauvre public service announcement

2011-08-03T22:10:00.000-04:00

my least favourite part of summer has to be slathering myself with SPF 50 every time i leave the damn house. it's a pain in the ass and sunblock actually STAINED my bathing suit this year! because sunblock and bathing suits don't mix apparently??? anyway, it's the worst, but i still do it - mostly because i'm terrified of aging and i don't want to look like a moccasin when i'm 50, but also because i have enough problems without getting skin cancer. i've never understood tanning, and i'm always the one lecturing my friends about how dangerous unprotected sun exposure can be, but sometimes they don't understand that i'm always right...

in december my cousin was diagnosed with melanoma - she was only 27 at the time. you can read her story here. she survived a nightmare, battling melanoma and stage 3 lymph node cancer during a time that most girls her age are cooking themselves on the beach and in tanning beds without giving a second thought to long-term consequences.

so basically what i'm saying is, as much as it blows, WEAR SUNBLOCK. and for the love of crap STOP USING TANNING BEDS. it's for your own damn good.

love so pauvre

productive pauvre

2011-08-02T23:58:00.000-04:00

this is turning out to be a great week for crossing things off my to do list. i went to the dentist thanks to bear's insurance and... i got a job!

that's right children, starting next week i will be back in the land of the living. i pretty much want to forget that the last year EVER happened, with the exception of a bear of course. but seriously, it was dark times.

i really thought having a year off work would be my dream come true, but it was pretty miserable. being alone in the house most of the time was cripplingly lonely. plus i had the added bonus of dealing with untreated depression and insomnia, so it was pretty much pure garbage. i really couldn't be happier that it's over and i'm starting to feel human again.

thank you for all your supportive comments on my no chip challenge. two days down, twenty-nine to go... (*hysterical sobbing*)

love so pauvre

i miss you already

2011-08-01T20:02:00.001-04:00

in my life i've had more than my fair share of addictions, some much more toxic than others, but all damaging to some degree. i've managed to overcome most of these addictions by getting addicted to something else - and i'm not talking about "i quit smoking and replaced it with marathon running" either. more like "i quit drinking a bottle of scotch a week by myself and replaced it with eating an entire pizza every night." baby steps...

the strongest of all my addictions is chips. plain, ruffled, kettle cooked, baked, fried, coated in salty flavourings, dipped in ANYTHING, i'll take whatever you've got and i'll eat them ALL. i'll eat them for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, just GIVE THEM TO ME. please?
recently bear challenged me to go without chips for one month. my reward, should i succeed, is one yankee candle of my choosing. you have to understand that as a hobo, expensive scented candles don't come easy, so to me the prize is a worthwhile motivation. will it be enough to keep me on the straight and narrow? only time will tell. in the meantime, prepare yourselves for a lot of angry chip withdrawal posts for the next 30 days.

so now i'm trying to figure out something i can snack on that is equally as satisfying as chips, but isn't chips. and don't you dare suggest carrot sticks because i WILL punch you.

yours in chip detox,
love so pauvre

so many movies, an excessive amount of time

2011-07-31T12:49:00.002-04:00

about four years ago i decided i had nothing better to do than to watch the american film institute's top 100 films of the last 100 years so i printed out the list and got to work. i created this challenge for myself to develop a better appreciation for film, and also to increase my chances of getting a pink pie wedge in trivial pursuit.

a lot of the movies on the list made me want to gouge my eyes out of my head, and some became new favourites. i sat through a three hour silent epic, twenty hours of jimmy stewart, and every war ever fought. honestly my favourite part of the entire situation was crossing movies off the list with my green highlighter.

thanks to netfix, this weekend i got to cross off the very last movie left on my list. there was a brief moment of satisfaction followed by an urge to watch roller boogie, so i'm not really sure if i learned anything...

what's on your to do list?

with sprinkles

2011-07-28T20:56:00.000-04:00

in an effort to coax me out of my funk bear took me to a super cute little ice cream shop called the cup. why is it called the cup? because it was originally shaped like a giant milkshake cup!

even though it's not an actual cup anymore, it was still really cute. all of their ice cream is handmade on the premises and tastes delicious!

i got a caramel sundae with whipped cream and sprinkles! sprinkles make me happy.

bear got a scoop of bubblegum and a scoop of tea berry, which he described as "the flavour of pepto bismol". apparently some people think it's a good idea to make ice cream out of that...

i'm so lucky to have a bear who knows exactly what i need to feel better.

what cheers you up when you're in a funk?

little blue eggs

2011-07-27T12:52:00.000-04:00

nid and i found these little hatched robin's eggs in the backyard during nidnastics 2011. they were so delicate that they were almost crumbling in my hand! i love the colour so much and i like thinking about the nest of baby robins nestled in the top of our tree. cuuuuuute!

when i was a wee kindergarten pauvre, momca and i found a robin's egg in the grass perfectly intact. it might as well have been made of solid sapphire the way i thought it was the most amazing thing i'd ever held in my tiny hands. i made a nest out of paper towels in a ziplock bag so i could take it to school the next day and amaze my class with the rare gem i had discovered.

the little blue egg made it all the way to school with me (keep in mind i was 5) and i was so excited to show it off. when the morning bell rang and all the kids lined up to go inside the boy who smelled weird and ate the glue (you know the one) grabbed my precious ziplock bag and SMASHED the little egg with his thumb. i was devastated, and clearly i'm still not over it.

the moral of the story is, boys ruin everything. (i'm only half kidding.)

anywho, sorry for the lack of posts this week. i've been in a funk, and not the groovy kind either. i spent three days on the couch watching project runway marathons and playing mario kart until my brain hemorrhaged, and i really don't have the will to do much else. hopefully i'll snap out of it soon because it's really annoying.

i hope everyone's having a good week!

love so pauvre

when foxes and bears go camping

2011-07-22T00:48:00.000-04:00

they sleep in fox and bear sleeping bags! seriously, how cute are these???

also, today my bear and i have been married for 5 months! feel free to send a gift.

thank you so much for all of your wonderful comments yesterday. knowing i have such supportive readers makes it a lot easier to share the good, the bad, and the ugly of myself here on so pauvre. ♥

happy friday!

lost and found

2011-07-20T20:39:00.000-04:00

for most of my 20s i fought against myself. i created an idea of what thought beauty and happiness were, and i didn't have either. i tortured myself trying to be something i wasn't and it left permanent scars. i get really angry and myself now for wasting so much time and causing so much damage to myself. why couldn't i just accept who i was and be content to be myself? and now that i know better, why is it still so hard???

this year i struggled with a moderate to extreme identity crisis. moving away from MY LIFE and starting over was really hard, and still is. i had to learn how to live a completely different life. i'm married now - something i NEVER thought i'd be. i live in america now, again - what the hell??? it's easy for me to feel really lost sometimes, but i'm slowly starting to find my way. thankfully i have a husbear who couldn't possibly be more loving and supportive. he waited out the darkest times with me and never left my side when i needed him most.

i've decided to go back on medication for my depression and anxiety. it was a failed experiment living without them. sometimes i forget that depression is a disease and it doesn't go away just because you want it to. i can already feel some of the dark clouds clearing, and parts of myself that were long dead are starting to come back to life. i like myself a lot more when i'm not CONSTANTLY MISERABLE, and i'm hoping everything else will fall into place once i don't feel half dead anymore.

fingers crossed.

every day of my life

2011-07-19T16:39:00.003-04:00

at least i'm not the only one.

comic by anne emond

midnight at the oasis

2011-07-18T21:00:00.000-04:00

thursday was the first time i've ever picked anyone up from the airport, so when i went to meet nid i made sure i was fully prepared. even though i was literally the only person waiting at the arrivals gate (nid's flight only had two other people on it) i wanted to make sure nid knew i was there to pick her up. (and yes, that's a fragrant bouquet of mint...)

from the airport we headed straight to sonic for hot dogs (chili cheese coney and chicago style), onion rings, cheese tots, and cherry lime-aid! my dashboard is still greasy.

on friday nid treated me to a manicure and pedicure at the bear creek spa!

if it was possible to go to the spa every day i would - i love it so much. thanks nid!

i LOVE having my nails done. so much less swearing when someone else does it...

we ate lunch poolside at the lodge because we're fancy.

i had crispy tofu tacos with shredded cabbage and creamy lime sauce - it was so simple, but so good. i LOVE tofu especially when it's fried. and in a taco. but how did those carrot sticks get there???

later that night i made up for the carrot sticks at jack creek (two creeks in one day!)with a queso smothered chimichanga and a pitcher of lime margaritas.

nid disapproved of my preferred margarita drinking method:

she did her best to keep up with me. poor little thing.

saturday was a dream come true. we went to skateaway and we were the only people there aside from a six year old's justin bieber themed birthday party. all of the kids were in love with my pom pom skates! i've got mad style yo.

nid has been skating and playing hockey since she was a fetus, so she took everyone to school.

it was the most fun i've ever had at skateaway. the rink was so empty that nid and i had room to skate and dance and reenact roller boogie all we wanted! (all i wanted.)

that night we got take out slices from palace and watched some great movies whilst attending to a special project i'll tell you about later!

i had SO much fun with nid but it felt like she was here for about 10 minutes. i tried telling her that she lived here now but she didn't believe me.

dear nid,

thank you for coming to visit me (and for buying lots of chocolate and leaving it here). i miss you already.

love so pauvre