Friday, April 11, 2014

bubble gum yum yum

the following post was mostly written between the hours of two and four a.m. fueled by ambien and marshmallow madness swiss miss.

.....

everyone knows that the only thing better than ice cream is pink ice cream. and the only thing better than pink ice cream is pink ice cream that i made with my own magical, god-like hands of creation. plus sprinkles. obviously.

miraculous.

bubble gum ice cream without the obstacle of actual gum fragments taking up valuable real estate that could be occupied by more ice cream has been something bear and i have dreamed of all our lives. we rule.


i started with this recipe - added way more pink - and obviously scrapped the gum fragments because gum fragments are the WORST.


if i've learned anything from my adventures in ice cream making so far it's that if you soak something in milk for long enough the milk will magically taste like the thing that's been soaking in said milk. it's the key to unlocking the door to deliciousness. soaking spools of bubble tape in a measuring cup full of milk over night in order to provide a sufficiently bubble gummy base was the most erotic thing i've ever seen.


nsfw.

after a long, sexy night of milk soaking you can start making the custardy base. this baby has ten egg yolks in it and that's really the most annoying/messy part of this whole deal. outsource if possible.

waiting for the base to chill is the longest four hours of your life, but it's totally worth it when you can finally watch it hypnotically churn for a half hour.


when the custard base is churning it's known as the transformation stage because it slowly starts to change or "transform" into cream that has been iced.  the curing stage is where it hangs out in the freezer for another eternity and develops (cures) into serious business ice cream.


three days later you can finally eat the effing ice cream. SO worth it. throw some cute sprinkles on top and shovel it into your face like you've been dreaming of since two days ago when you watched spools of bubble tape soak erotically in a measuring cup of milk.


love and zero gum fragments,
so pauvre

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

things i don't hate part two

1. growing out my eyebrows

if you've ever had hair ripped out of your face with hot wax then you've felt my pain. plucking them out of your own face in between rippings is somehow even worse. fuck it. from now on my face does what it wants.



2. l'occitane en provence lavender hand cream

i accidentally (on purpose) bought this for myself at christmas because $22 hand cream seemed perfectly reasonable at the time. at bedtime (when i zombie into bed at two in the morning...) i slather my hands and décolletage with this precious emollient/salve/ungent/balm and then deeeeep breathe the intoxicating lavender vapors. it's a really nice compliment to the ambien.

 3. chips & dips

once a week my friend amy and i have chips & dips night. we sit on the floor in our pyjamas and eat chips & dips. it's pretty sweet. 




love and hastily assembled lists, 
so pauvre

Saturday, March 22, 2014

fluttershy's angel cakes

have i mentioned how much i love making pony cupcakes? because i LOVE making pony cupcakes.



fluttershy is the inspiration for these sweet little angel food cupcakes! the embodiment of kindness, fluttershy is ponyville's resident animal expert, occasional fashion model, and bee whisperer.


although she is timid and quiet, fluttershy isn't afraid to defend her friends or put her hoof down when somepony gets all up in her grill. do not mess with fluttershy.


angel food cake seemed like an obvious choice for fluttershy - it's light and fluffy and quiet. cupcakes can be quiet ok?


also, fluttershy has a pet bunny named angel.  so there's that.


angel is a sass basket.

i've never made angel food before, but i learned that it's pretty different from regular cake. no butter (shock horror!), no milk, no baking powder. it's basically meringue (egg whites, superfine sugar, vanilla, cream of tartar) with heavily sifted cake flour gently folded into it. gently and quietly.

shhhhhhh...

i topped these pillowy little cakes with coconut whipped cream frosting. they're pretty top heavy so it's best just to shove the whole thing in your mouth before gravity takes over.


the shredded coconut reminds me of feathers and fluttershy is a pegasus pony. so she has wings. with feathers. plus bears love coconut so everybody wins. i also made some with butterfly sprinkles because i love sprinkles. and yes - i picked out only the yellow and pink ones because i'm committed to my craft.


as usual i was pretty pleased with myself. these turned out so much better than expected and they're so light that you can eat like four of them before you start feeling like you're gonna die.

yay fluttershy cupcakes! 

love and sass baskets,
so pauvre

Monday, March 10, 2014

things i don't hate: a weekly-ish list of things that aren't the worst

1. jelly belly jelly beans

lately i can't shovel these addictive little treasures into my mouth fast enough. one at a time or by the fistful - i've never met a jelly belly i didn't like. except cappuccino. cappuccino jelly belly beans dominate/ruin every other flavour in your mouth. they are the roasted red peppers of the jelly belly community. they are the WORST. ever.


best belly ever? cantaloupe. ohhh baby. and yes, i can actually feel my teeth decomposing. jerks.



2. nick broomfield documentaries 1993-2003 inclusive

as a young pauvre i often watched documentaries until the wee hours of morning. i knew then as i do now that sleep is for suckers. my pre-teen insomnia really helped to shape my appreciation for investigative film making.

nick broomfield is a bbc documentary film maker who has produced some of my all time favourite docs like aileen: the life and death of a serial killer, heidi fliess: hollywood madam, and the infamous kurt & courtney. oh nick, how i adore your staunch narration, your tucked in white tees, and of course, your ridiculous sound gear.


right now hulu plus has wrapped a soothing blanket of golden age broomfields around me and i'm content to spend hours in the burrito as nick gets to the bottom of things - bbc style.



3. ribbon

"last night i stayed up SO late ribbon shopping!" is a thing i actually said.

i recently ordered this gorgeous dutch hansel & gretel ribbon (and others...) from bybora. i love it more than anyone should love ribbon. 




4. chicken mcnuggets

lately this has been my craving to end all cravings. i usually just start shoving crispy, golden mcnuggets in/around my mouth before i've even left the mcdonald's parking lot. because i'm a LADY. if i get home and my requested number of sweet and sours are in the bag i dance around singing we are the champions for forty minutes.


love and temporary distractions,
so pauvre

Thursday, March 6, 2014

pa-RUM-pa-pum-pum

prior to my recent coma, i was waist deep in holiday hell at the mall and trying desperately to actually enjoy christmas at the same time. it's pretty much unheard of, but i refused to let the consumers consume me this year. that lasted until approximately december 24th when i basically gave up and let the current take me out to sea where i eventually drown for two months.

anywho... i finally made egg nog ice cream! it's been high on my to make & do list for a hundred years so i'm pretty pleased with myself for actually making it happen.


i like to watch mixie churn the milky base into ice cream. also, it's fun to say churn.


after much research i learned that there are two basic techniques for making egg nog ice cream: 1- pour store bought egg nog into your ice cream maker until it magically becomes ice cream. or 2- make an egg nog base and pour it into your ice cream maker until magically becomes ice cream. either way it's magically becoming ice cream. but since i don't believe in cheating when treats are involved, i used a real recipe and made real egg nog ice cream. REAL.


this ice cream is SO decadent. the recipe called for SEVEN egg yolks and two cups of heavy cream in addition to the milk, sugar, vanilla, nutmeg, and rum. oh yeah, it has RUM in it. magical! i like to sprinkle smashed up candy canes on mine - but because it's me - and because i was a little too close to enjoying something - i somehow sliced my hand open on a candy cane shard during the smashing. obviously.

minor flesh wound aside, egg nog ice cream was a success! which flavour should i make next? 

love and candy cane shards,
so pauvre

Sunday, March 2, 2014

carrot cake comeback

look who finally dragged her half dead corpse out of her couch burrito. did you miss me?

it turns out the endless white death of winter in addition to a series of extremely unfortunate events left me with no choice but to self-induce a three-month long depression coma. sometimes it's the only option. and even though it will NEVER stop snowing the cupcakes aren't going to bake themselves. so here i am.

i haven't made carrot cupcakes in FOUR YEARS mostly because they require a level of effort that i try to avoid for as long as possible. peeling AND shredding carrots??? ugh. FINELY chopping pecans??? nuts to that. (see what i did there?) however, it turns out i have access to the world's greatest multipurpose kitchen gadget - a bear. i've mentioned before how much bear enjoys chopping things. he also enjoys helping me with stuff, so everybody wins. bear peeled and shredded the carrots, AND finely chopped the pecans for me while i fell asleep on the couch watching seinfeld. it's a proven system of success. he also cut the carrot hearts for me because i somehow almost cut my finger off EVERY time i use a knife. sad but true.

look at these beautiful babies. the cream cheese frosting is the silkiest i've ever made and it still busted my piping gun. worth it.


i couldn't resist bringing mr. cake on the scene for his expert opinion.


mr. cake (first name carrot) co-owns sugarcube corner bakery in ponyville with his wife mrs. cake (first name cup). it's a pretty ideal situation.


barring any unforeseen three month blackouts i'll be posting more pony cakes here again soon!


thank you for still loving me even though i was actually dead for three months.

love so pauvre

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

the airing of grievances: christmas in retail

it's christmas time again, so i'm here to remind you that sales associates are people too.

chances are good that if you work in corporate retail it's because life has brutally failed you in some way. it's punishment for making one wrong turn and/or being bad at math. it's a constant reminder that your life will probably suck forever because you're too old to get a job doing anything else because you have no relevant experience in anything but customer service. we already feel like shit about ourselves, so the next time you're at the mall just calm the hell down and don't be a dick.


when you choose to walk into a store, please remember that we don't make the rules.

every store in the mall has its own version of this kind of bullshit. EVERY. so you just have to play along. and if you don't want to - you're in luck - turns out the internet exists!!! no one will talk to you there. EVER. but if you made the choice to enter a physical store you're agreeing to live by the laws of said store for as long as you're there.

- we have to greet you within thirty seconds of entering the store. so don't act like someone just threw a bucket of ice water at your face when we acknowledge your existence. you're not in an invisibility bubble. and get off your fucking phone - this isn't a phone booth. rude.

- we have to ask you an open ended question like "what brings you in today?" within two minutes of the initial greeting. try not to look like no one has ever asked you a question before in your lifetime. we really don't give a fuck why you're here, just be polite and treat us like human beings.

- we have to probe you for information re: what brings you in today. basically it's our job to annoy you into buying something and/or annoy you out of the store. so be prepared to humour us. also, "i'm just browsing" doesn't mean we will leave you alone. it means we will just wait an extra minute before try again.

- we have to tell you about all in-store promotions. just smile and nod.

- we have to suggest products that you probably have no interest in. the smile and nod technique may also be used here.

- we have to try to get you to buy a minimum of three additional items or store credit card/membership, etc. at the cash register. just say no thank you.

 - we have to ask you for your phone number and email address. this is the worst thing ever for everyone involved. we get a report every week of the percentage of phone numbers we get based on the number of transactions we complete. if it's below 85% we have to explain WHY we didn't get more numbers. sadly "because people are dicks" isn't a valid excuse. literally just say a series of ten numbers. make up an email address. make my life less of a living nightmare.


we hate it and we know you hate it. everyone wants to be told "just let me know if i can help you with anything" and then left alone. and believe me, we would love NOTHING more than to leave you alone. but we can't. because we need this fucking shitty ass bullshit job, so we have to follow the rules and harass you until you buy something or leave. the nicer you are, the less painful it will be for all of us.

also, i once assumed that the following were things commonly understood to be rude/unacceptable behaviour but it has become very clear that a gentle reminder never hurts.

- don't be a dick. it's so simple.

- don't openly/loudly complain about the products or the prices of said products while you're in the store. the store becomes our home. we hate it, but we have to live there. be respectful of our home and the things inside. you can trash us all you want when you leave. oh, and we don't care if you can get it cheaper somewhere else. just go there. buy it there. we don't fucking care.

- PUT IT BACK WHERE YOU FOUND IT. for the love of loki just put it the fuck back.

it doesn't go there.

- don't litter. the "someone" who has to pick up your empty coffee cups is me. and i don't appreciate it.

- at least pretend to monitor your children. or maybe don't bring them into a tiny store made of glass? either way.

- if your coupon is expired, too fucking bad for you. also, "i forgot my coupon" isn't a coupon. most importantly, it's pronounced kü-pän not Q-PON. don't be a rube.

-cheques/checks. DON'T.  get a fucking debit card and re-join the human race.

- don't be a dick. worth repeating. 


it's christmas and we all wish we were dead, so just have basic human compassion for the poor bastards who spend nine hours a day mentally composing rage-filled blog posts while they teeter on a ten foot ladder to get every snow man votive holder down from storage so you can "compare the faces". go fucking fuck your fuckity fuck fuck self.


fuckity christmas. 
love so pauvre

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

phoning it in

i'm having a pretty self destructive love affair with my new iphone. sorry three year old blackberry curve, i just don't feel that way about you any more. i mean, brickbreaker was pretty rad, but i'm over it.

with so many new ways to play cincinnati time-waste at my fingertips productivity isn't really my scene right now. lucky for you there's a blogger app.

approximately 98% of the reasons i wanted a new phone involved the selection of custom iphone cases that filled my blackberry heart with jealousy and vengeance. so it probably will not surprise you that i ordered a case before i even had the phone. and not just any case...


toffee coca cuddles was made especially for me by pennypants decoden. my love of lalas brought me to her shop and she did not disappoint! i got to choose which doll i wanted for my case out of dozens of options. it wasn't easy, but i eventually settled on toffee because of her pink valentine's day theme, pink heart cheeks, and a puppy made of chocolate.

once i had decided on toffee, penny sent me a pic of various decorative treats/cobachons to accompany toffee on my new case. i selected a few and let her fill in the rest as needed.

source.
after only a few days my perfect case was finished! so beautifully impractical. i especially love that my sleek new phone is now resting comfortably in a case completely encrusted with latex frosting and glittery pink toys.

source.

i have plans for a rarity case next - because the only thing better than one hilariously impractical something is two hilariously impractical somethings.

you should get one too! which case would you choose?

now if you'll excuse me, i have very important monster salon business to attend to.

love so pauvre

p.s. need a pauvre fix? follow me on tumblr (not safe for work) or instagram. it's fun!

Monday, November 18, 2013

thirty-three and one week

i just wanted to thank everyone for your sweet birthday wishes, cute cards, and surprise treats that continue to arrive! i feel a warm glowing warming glow knowing i have such beautiful, thoughtful friends. and for everyone who included "i'm sure bear has something wonderful planned!" in my card, email, or text - yes. yes he did have something wonderful planned. he's just that kind of bear.

when i got home from work i saw THESE out of the corner of my eye...BALLOONS! and not just any balloons - these are balloons i specifically requested on my amazon wishlist at 4am one night deeep in an ambien trance. "helium please, varying shades of pink, lots of ribbon, two 3's PLEASE!" bear always makes my ambien fueled dreams come true. a week later a few of these babies are still kickin'. they wait in the shadows to terrify bear at night.


as you know, the envelope of a card from bear is my favourite part of the card! here is a  birthday fox sleeping in her couch burrito pod with her fun pink birthday balloons! look at the corduroy on the pink heart pillow, and even my new duvet cover from otter!


accurate!

my pod is the only place i sleep. and it has to be when bear is about. preferably in the early afternoon. it's why i only sleep for about ten minutes a week. 


but who needs sleep when you can have fudgie the whale??? i was SO excited that not only did fudgie the whale actually exist, but that bear tracked down a carvel that was willing to produce one for me. yaaaaaaay!


and yes those are hundreds of crushed peanuts framing fudgie's outer edge. naturally. so bear scraped off the peanuts and divvied them up between those free from peanut allergies, and wrote a strongly worded email to carvel. maybe tell people they're getting a cake encrusted with crunchy potential death.

but still -  SO cute.

did you know that fudgie's friend cookie puss is not at all a kitten shaped cake? not even an octopus. just a weird face with an upside down ice cream cone nose. i've been so mislead.


other birthday highlights included a matinee of thor (we all know i was there for loki/that one scene thor is half naked and his body looks like it should be forever shielded from ovulating women.) followed by dinner at our favourite greek restaurant where i will order the same chicken souvlaki until i'm dead. OPA!

bear also gave me a pretty amazing gift which is most certainly to blame for my inability to sleep, focus on anything, or even complete the simplest of blog posts right now. i love it.

stay tuned to meet my sexy new time vampire.

and thank you again to everyone for making me feel like the queen of birthdays!

love so pauvre

Monday, November 11, 2013

happy three three to me

turns out i looked exactly the same thirty years ago.
i'm still always ready for action (between midnight and 4am).
jenn (left) has a daughter who is the same are as we were here.
at least two people at this party are reading this right now! i spy a tiny nid, and a tiny jenn!
i'm wearing strawberry shortcake rain boots and standing in a bucket full of water.

another year older, but still exactly the same.
love birthday pauvre