amish paradise

they don't have amish people in new zealand. for some reason.

as a result, the number one thing on trees' to-do list was to observe the amish in their natural setting - lancaster county. we started the day at shady maple and quickly learned that you could spend most of the day there. eating.

imagine the biggest buffet you've ever seen. now double it.  the shady maple is HUGE and there is literally food for miles. normally i refuse to eat at buffets because i'm lazy and the food sucks, but for some reason the food is amazing here? everything was fresh and actually tasted home made and not like stale leftovers. lots of PA dutch food like corn fritters, kebasi, and shoo-fly pie - plus unlimited icee refills!

we came for the icees.

there's also a huge gift shop below the smorgasbord that is just endless rows of all the things. eventually we made it out of there alive and headed to intercourse!

an amish buggy had to veer into the road to go around me and trees AND around bear's car while we took that photo. sorry amish man, that's what happens when you name your town intercourse.

speaking of buggies... let's go on an amish buggy ride! you can go on tours of amish country in a REAL amish buggy driven by a REAL amish man. terrifying and amazing at the same time, especially if you fear the amish as i do.

we chose abe's buggy rides because abe sounded the most amish. as good a reason as any.

trees and dixie the amish neigh neigh.

i was roughly the same size as the interior of this buggy. i was worried i would snap the thin metal steps climbing up and down, but the fine amish craftsmanship prevented potential disaster. i'm not very calm around amish people, or any pious peoples in general. i feel very self conscious and assume they're damning me and my fat, tattooed, atheist soul to eternal hellfire. my atheist fear of eternal hellfire is another issue all together, but that's a different story for a different day. for now let's talk about earl.

earl was our probably menonite amish buggy driver. he was the coolest man i've ever seen. i had to shake his hand and make eye contact without crying, so it was really good of him to be so awesome. trees and i now refer to the amish as the original hipsters on account of their similar fashions, facial hair choices, and eating only organic, locally grown foods.

i already felt damned to eternal hellfire, so i took this candid of earl being awesome.

earl took us around some of the local amish farms and the entire time i was terrified of the buggy ending up in a ditch/smashing into mailboxes. when the buggy turned i almost slid right off the seat and out the back door. i'm the worst. thankfully earl was chill and very politely answered our questions about amish culture. i didn't ask anything about eternal hellfire.

once we arrived back at abe's farm we watched the baby goats and wanted to die of cuteness.

it's looking at me!!!

i can't.

the whole time we were trying to hatch a goat heist there was a loudly quacking duck trying to get our attention. trees named him dapper duck because of his cool feathers and snapped this photo of him being dapper.

so dapper.

we eventually left the farm with no stolen baby goats and went exploring lancaster. as we drove past a giant windmill on top of a place called dutch haven bear basically slammed on the breaks and did a controlled slide into the parking lot.

totally worth the possible vehicular manslaughter.

but seriously, this place was like a treasure trove of amazing crap and high quality baked goods. the pennsylvania dutch aren't actually dutch, and windmills have nothing to do with their culture, but whoopie pies!!!

so much amazing crap. everything from hex signs and amish hats, to the coolest kitschy souvenirs ever. lots of things made of shells for some reason, pies pies and more pies, whoopie pies - which are not actually pies, and amish root beer - which is actually poison.

the owner brought us samples of "the best shoo-fly pie in america" and we were like suuuuure lady, you made the best shoo-fly pie in america. but then it actually was. we brought some home for bear's family and his grandma, who has been eating shoo-fly pie for like a hundred and ten years said it was the best she's ever had. WHAT.

hexin'.

obviously.

obviously.

bear blending in. i'm pretty sure i put a boy's small hat on his head, but i was distracted by the shell art and mom loves ME best t shirts.

the actual best shoo-fly pie in america.

poison.

trees' first whoopie pie! after sneaking a bite of hers i went back inside and bought three more.

dutch haven was the perfect cherry on top of our day in amish paradise. i already want to go back for more whoopie pies.

as far as i know, i've not yet been damned to eternal hellfire, but here's a baby goat again just in case. 

love and whoopie pies in intercourse,
so pauvre

when blogs collide

so pauvre and a girl from the naki together at last! and yes, we're wearing matching neigh neigh dresses AND holding matching pinkie pie cupcakes that we made! yes children, sometimes dreams really do come true.

can you handle this?

trees and i met right here on so pauvre and quickly became blog friends and pen pals. adorable. this was her first ever american tour with stops in new york, philly, the lehigh valley (that's me!), orlando, and san francisco.

she came all the way from new zealand to make cupcakes with me. totally worth it.

whether or not the above statement is actually true, we did make cotton candy pinkie pie cupcakes because that was an amazing idea i had.

trees was in charge of piping pretty pink cotton candy flavoured frosting onto each pretty pink cupcake. we don't mess around.

pinkie approves.

bear has requested rarity cakes next, so i have a feeling things will spiral out of control from there. 

i'm still recovering from moderate to severe trees withdrawal, but stay tuned for more double blog american style capers!

love so pauvre

fire.

i accidentally caused a moderate kitchen fire today.

for real.

there were flames and screaming. the fire extinguisher was required. i wasn't burned to death or horribly disfigured, but we did have to buy a new toaster.

maybe fire isn't the answer?

a brief summary of events

and that's exactly what happened.
love so pauvre

day of fun

because life is stupid, bear and i rarely have the same days off. so when do finally have a day to spend together i like to chant "day of fun! day of fun!" repeatedly throughout the day to make sure bear knows it's a day of fun. easter sunday was one such day of fun.

the mall was closed - much to the dismay of assholes - so i actually got to ENJOY a holiday for once. the easter bear filled my bunny basket to the brim with chocolatey treats and i spent most of the day in my couch burrito. it was glorious.

i miss you.

bear and i have an ongoing list of things we want to make together when we have days of fun because we're gross. at the top of our list was making empire cookies - a shortbread sandwich cookie filled with raspberry preserves, topped with icing sugar glaze and a maraschino cherry. i love them, so naturally they don't exist here. we had to take matters into our own hands. and by our own hands i mean i asked bear to make them.  i was in charge of finding a recipe  and a cookie cutter because i insisted it be both scalloped and a minimum of 3.5 inches in diameter. i have reasonable expectations. bear was in charge of everything else. we're such a good team.

the shortbread turned out perfectly thanks to bear's pro cookie skills. so golden and buttery!

we splurged on the quality raspberry preserves and i was elated to learn that it was seedless! seriously, raspberry seeds are the worst. get out of my teeth!!! you're THE WORST.

anywho, i decided to be helpful by applying the preserves and squishing two cookie halves together. also by eating the cookies and spoonfuls of sweet seedless raspberry. so helpful.

look at these beautiful babies! don't you just love glaze? everything should be glazed. and the pretty red cherries - so so perfect. bear is great.

next on the list is black and white cookies - mostly because i keep asking bear to drive me to philly to get one, and also because they involve TWO kinds of glaze. mmm...glaze.

day of fun! day of fun!
love so pauvre

clever & cuddly

the bubble tea chronicles

one of the things i miss most about living in a big city is having immediate access to unlimited crazy crap at all times. i LOVE crazy crap. i especially love edible crazy crap. if you've ever tasted bubble tea you're already aware that it's crazy crap. if you haven't, let me just tell you, it's crazy crap.

bubble tea falls into one of my favourite categories: "i don't know what this is, but i like it".

but what is it?

bubble tea, also known as pearl milk tea, boba milk tea, or boba is a taiwanese tea-based drink invented in tea shops in taichung, taiwan, during the 1980s. most bubble tea recipes contain a tea base mixed with fruit or milk. ice-blended versions are usually mixed with fruit or syrup, resulting in a slushy consistency. most bubble teas come with small chewy tapioca balls,commonly called "pearls" or "boba".

it's also cute and fun. like me. 

in toronto bubble tea shops are on every corner. endless combinations of flavours and species of bubble tea along with various snack & toast in a pastel coloured treat utopia. i love it.

remember when michelle and i ordered bubble tea and spring rolls and we were given bubble tea and squid balls instead? basically the same thing.

we also took this picture every time apparently.

recently i remembered there's a kiosk in the mall that sells bubble tea. and since i work at the mall, and since it's a living hell each day of my life, i sometimes justify treats to help me not smash/murder/set fire to anything.

during a nine day stretch of shifts i found myself justifying bubble tea pretty effing frequently. also, grilled cheese pretzels. but that's a different story for a different day.

anywho... it was during this nine day nightmare fest that i also remembered the internet exists and i started researching my beloved bubble tea and how i could make it a part of my life forever without having to spend precious additional minutes inside the mall.

fist pump.

that's right children, i made my own bubble tea - and you can too! i bought a kit on electronicbay.com that included a half pound of green apple powder mix (a flavour they don't have at the mall), a half pound of boba, and five fat straws through which the boba will travel to your mouth.

to make your own bubble tea at home you'll also need: sugar - water - a pot - a measuring cup - a spoon - a strainer - a bowl or plastic container - a beverage shaker - ice - almond milk/milk of choice - a large cup or an alternative beverage receptacle

optional: maximum sass levels.

step one: make a magical syrup. combine a half cup of sugar with a half cup of boiling water. the syrup is the most important ingredient in this operation because it contains sugar. and sugar makes things better. the bubble tea mix is UNSWEETENED. i learned this the hard way. learn from my mistakes.

 

once the sugar is dissolved in the bowling water you can remove it from the heat and pour it into a bowl or some sort of container to cool. don't try to drink it when it's hot. it WILL scald you.

step two: prepare the boba! the boba is the reason most people refuse to accept bubble tea as their lord and saviour - but they're the main reason i spent an hour making bubble tea instead of doing anything productive.

the boba look like coca puffs before they're cooked. adorable. you're going to want at least a quarter cup of these babies - maybe the whole bag. it's up to you. but if you do choose a quarter cup you'll need at least two cups of boiling water for the boba to swim around in.

once the water is boiling add your boba. stir your boba. watch it dance. once the boba start to float to the surface turn the heat down to medium and let them hang out for twelve to fifteen minutes. cooking time will depend on how chewy you like your boba. i like them firm yet chewy so twelve minutes = good.

after twelve to fifteen minutes remove them from the heat, cover them, and let them soak for another twelve to fifteen minutes. i never said this was fast or efficient.

once the boba are finally done you can strain them and rinse them with cold water. try to resist eating them ALL at this stage. they will be warm and inviting, but don't do it - you'll want them later.

precious jewels.

step three: add the boba to the sweet sweet sugar syrup then cover your container and stick it in the fridge for at least fifteen minutes. basically you want everything to be cold and sugar infused.

step four: make the tea/juice. you can make bubble tea with actual cold tea, or with a chemically engineered flavoured powder. far be it for me to turn my nose up at chemically engineered anything.

the good ol' tupperware quick shake is perfect for the manufacture of bubble tea. you could also use a cocktail shaker. or if you've somehow managed to live your life this long without either of those items present in your home you can use any leak-proof sealed container. then when you realize how shitty that is, buy a quickshake or a cocktail shaker.

step five: fill your shaker with about a half cup of cold water, a half cup almond milk/other milk, and two to three tablespoons of mix - then give it a shake. i feel like it should be obvious that the container be sealed prior to the shaking, but just in case you're an idiot - seal your shaker BEFORE shaking liquids in it.

my first batch of bubble tea contained only water and was gross. the second batch contained only almond milk and it was way too milky. then after observing the bubble tea man at the mall i learned that half water - half milk is the jackpot. i used almond milk but you can presumably use any form of milk or milk-like beverage.

we're almost done. i promise. see how much better it is to make your own bubble tea at home than to take five minutes and buy it at the mall?

step six: taste the juice and see if you like the consistency and flavour intensity. adjust as needed. when it's just right add ice and shake it some more. make a sexy dance out of it if you want.

step seven: scoop the precious boba into a nice big cup/alternative beverage receptacle. the key here is to add some of that sweet sweet syrup to the boba party at the bottom of your cup/alternative beverage receptacle. add as much of as little syrup as you want. i want a lot of syrup.

step eight: pour everything into your cup/ABR and give it a stir. does it taste good? no? add more syrup.

step nine: now that several days have passed you can enjoy your single serving of bubble tea. SO worth it.

ridiculous? yes. time consuming? you know it. fun and cute? yes and yes. i love this stupid crazy crap so much that i ordered another kit in taro. mmm...purple.

i just called to say i love you.

what flavour should i make next? and don't say "no flavour because you're a grown up and you should be doing responsible adult things" because then we can't be friends anymore.

love so pauvre