Thursday, September 18, 2014

slumming it

after recently watching a documentary about raccoons, bear pointed out that my behaviour is very raccoon-like.  he's actually compared me to a dirty raccoon more than once. much like nature's bandits - i'm cute, nocturnal, and too clever for my own good. i also make spectacular messes and enjoy eating garbage. sweet sweet garbage.

if something actually steals nutrients from your body it probably tastes amazing. if it's been chemically engineered to make my brain think it's drugs i want to eat it. a few weeks ago i was exposed to a red velvet cake that was made from a mix with canned frosting erotically slathered all over it. my friend was really self-conscious that i would be offended by such gross cake-related negligence, but really all i could think of was the sweet sweet chemicals.

in america the chemicals are cheap and plentiful. they're also more fun than actual food. during a recent trip to the baking aisle in my trench coat and sunglasses i marvelled in the cake mixes and canned frostings. did you know there are six neon colours of funfetti now??? neon is the most delicious chemical of all.


although i managed to resist the cake mixes AND the funfetti i couldn't stop myself from finally indulging in my secret fantasy of duncan hines frosting creations. it's basically a can of frosting "base" that you add a packet of whatever flavour you want to said base. the mixes are all fun flavours like orange creme, white chocolate raspberry, mint chocolate, etc. i chose bubble gum because obviously. it also costs like eight cents for both the base and the mix, so you know it's quality.

so wrong yet so right.

i'm either going to save it for a future cupcake project, or for when i finally break down and a box of pink velvet cake mix and use them together in secret shame. more than likely i'm just gonna eat it with a spoon in the middle of the night watching literally hundreds of episodes of top model.

you better believe it.

love and partially hydrogenated food stuffs,
so pauvre

p.s. i also secretly used the cinnamon roll flavour as the frosting on my pear gruyère cupcakes...oops.


Friday, September 12, 2014

strawberry cupcakes: a post about strawberry cupcakes



in june i made these strawberry cupcakes for my friend jen and her husband for their first anniversary. i cranked out like two hundred of them for her shower and for their wedding last year and they've been lusting after them ever since. my cupcakes are that good. seriously.

strawberry cupcakes were instrumental in making me the highly skilled cupcaketress that i am today. they're the first cupcakes i ever made from scratch - because why would i start with vanilla? - and they ignited a butter-fueled sugar flame inside of me that compelled me to bake only cupcakes for all eternity.

my very first little babies. the chocolate dipped strawbs on top are an excellent example of how i like to make extra work for myself.


i've made strawberry cupcakes for three bridal showers, two weddings, and a wedding anniversary. clearly they are the official cupcake of love. official. they are my most requested cupcake and the cupcake i hate making the most. obviously.







but they're PINK, so how could i hate them? so much work. SO. MUCH. it takes me seven hours to make two dozen. like actually seven hours. i usually swear that i'm never making strawberry cupcakes ever again at least four times during the process and then i eat one and it's like fuuuuhking delicious. bastards.


i was particularly full of rage about making this last batch. whipped frosting is a delicate ballet of science and swearing. plus is was so hot outside they instantly melted as soon as i took them outside. i was told they were the best cupcakes i've ever made. of course.


the lesson is: if you hate something it will be the thing you do best.

and that's my post about strawberry cupcakes.
love so pauvre.

Thursday, September 11, 2014

happy birthday nid!


"you haven't blogged about me for a while..." - nid

dear nid,

since i haven't blogged about you for a while (thank you for bringing that to the attention of the staff) i'm here to wish you a birthday that's better than olympic gymnastics, useful formulae, and free cookies combined! i can't wait to eat all the cupcakes in DC together and maybe even watch the prestige somehow.

(magically.)

i hope your birthday burrito isn't just mustard on a tortilla.
love leaks

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

kitchen cupboard alchemy: clove mouth rinse

i warned you there would be baking soda. so much baking soda...


one of the most common questions no one asks me is "why did you start making everything from baking soda?" well no one, it kind of happened by accident when i was looking for an alternative to deodorant (it was ruining my black shirts) and - like almost everything in my life - i quickly became obsessed and it spiraled out of control. i like the idea of one basic solution solving a hundred problems. however, not all of my experiments have been successful. one was a terrible failure - you'll learn about that another day - but it was definitely the deodorant.

one of my most successful baking soda potions is clove mouth rinse. i experimented with several baking soda-based oral health solutions and this is the only one that cut the mutard. it took me a while to understand that dental things could taste like anything other than mint, but a lot of my research pointed to clove oil as the answer to all of your mouth problems. i previously assumed that cloves were only useful in the making of gingerbread, but i've since learned they have curative properties. even more curative than gingerbread.

i've become moderately to excessively obsessed (shocking information.) with essential oils during my baking soda experiments. they appeal to the botanical witch in me - another of my beloved archetypes so beautifully illustrated by sandra bullock in practical magic and sarah paulson in american horror story: coven. little bottles of distilled plant oils in my baking drawer is as close as i've come to being a botanical witch or an18th century apothecary. what little girl doesn't harbour those dreams?


the thing about clove oil is that it BURNS like a mother. especially the first few days - your mouth tissues will be screaming. that's the cloves killing the shit out of all your mouth bacteria. if you teeth and/or gums are jerks, clove oil is your new best friend. it's a natural antiseptic and numbs whatever it touches - so a little clove oil on a cotton swab (q-tip) applied to a tooth ache works like a charm. tryyyyy not to get it on your lips or it sucks for like twenty minutes.

you can also use peppermint essential oil or tea tree oil in your mouth rinse to mix it up, but clove is definitely my fave on account of all the evil that lives in my mouth. i get all my essential oils on amazon - edens garden is my favourite because they're high quality and reasonably priced. plus the bottles are cute which is really the best part.

after using this mouth rinse for a few months my gums bleed less, my teeth feel stronger, and they even look a little whiter thanks to my beloved baking soda. hooray!

who's ready to try this fabled elixir? everyone? cool. this is what you need:

  • a container (i use adorable blue mason jars)
  • 1 cup filtered water
  • 4 tsp baking soda
  • between 4 and 11 drops of clove essential oil... sometimes it comes out really fast. you've been warned.

shake everything up in your container and swish a small mouthful of this curative brew in your mouth for a minute or two after brushing and flossing. (and yes - i know i'm the only person alive who flosses daily.) try not to swallow it because it sucks. i usually follow it up with a quick water rise just to get some of the clove-soaked dead poisons outta there. the oil will break down over time so feel free to add more if you miss the burning. one batch usually lasts me two-three weeks.


there are hundreds of mouth rinse recipes online that are a lot more elaborate, but i'm lazy so this one works for me.

you'll soon come to learn that having random jars full of cloudy mystery liquid around the house is pretty great.


love your friendly neighbourhood kitchen cupboard alchemist,
so pauvre

Sunday, September 7, 2014

todd kraines

recently i was gifted eight glorious seasons of keeping up with the kardashians on hulu+. i had previously only seen up to season five (thanks for nothing netflix...) so there were three seasons of gold i had not yet discovered. it was a truly magical time in my life, and i will always remember it fondly.

one of my favourite elements of the show is kourtney's boyfriend - scott disick. i've actually laughed myself to tears whilst watching the kardashians at 2am alone in the dark thanks to lord disick. (he bought himself the title of lord while on a trip to london. amazing.) say what you will about scott, but he's a comedy genius.


in the eighth season, kourtney and khloe convince scott to prank call kris jenner repeatedly pretending to be a friend of a the family - todd kraines. scott as todd kraines is the kind of thing that makes me laugh out loud just remembering that it happened. i'm fairly certain that no one will else will find this to be even remotely as hilarious as i do, and that most of you have stopped reading by now, but i can't be responsible for your poor life choices.



at least hiddles gets it.
the voice is incredible, but scott's face and hand gestures ruin me every time. this is what brings me joy in life, ok?





incredible.
love todd kraines

Thursday, September 4, 2014

as brilliant as i think i am

not to be confused with cup pies (pies that look like cupcakes) these are cup pies (cupcakes that look like pies). one idea is tedious (way to go chuck) and one is genius (way to go me).


pear gruyère cupcake pies basically advanced bakery science by ten years. also, they look like little pies. this is definitely one of those times when i wish i could windmill high five myself.


the frosting looks like it was applied a short time after someone smashed my hands with hammers, but you get the idea.


they're so cute that it almost wouldn't matter what they tasted like... unless they tasted four hundred times better than they look. which they do. the cake is vanilla and shredded gruyère with a spiced pear filling and cinnamon frosting.

yep.

thank you (as always) to bear - my baking assistant/husband - for supporting the fabrication of these cupcakes/for not getting mad when i talked about frosting options for like four days/for re-sizing the only usable image of the pie hole's logo that existed on the internet so that i could tape it to a popcicle stick. it's the best part.


and don't worry lee pace, even though someone made a very bad choice for you and your career in the tragic wasting of your beautiful face as ronan the accuser, i still love you.


and your eyebrows.
love so pauvre

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

the facts are these

recently i was violently enraged by the unforgivable misuse of lee pace as ronan the accuser in guardians of the galaxy. maybe it's just me, but i feel like if you have access to this:


and you make him look like this:


terrible things should happen to you.

in my rage i was comforted by memories of lee as ned the pie maker on pushing daisies. sweet, beautiful ned. amazing things should happen to the person responsible for you.


if you haven't seen pushing daisies then your life is probably empty and sad, so you might want to address that at some point. in any case, it's an adorable story about love, pie, crime solving, reanimating the dead, etc. and it all centers around ned's pie-shaped pie bakery - the pie hole. obviously. it's so cute and clever that you almost forget how tedious ned's love interest - lonely tourist charlotte "chuck" charles - becomes after about four episodes.

adorable/the worst ever.

personal style aside, chuck is always ruining everything. after ned reanimated her corpse she opted not to tell her two grief-stricken spinster aunts (cherished archetype of the day) that she was alive and instead sends them a pie every day that she's filled with homeopathic antidepressants. it all makes sense at some point. chuck's aunts pretty much exclusively eat cheese (again, somehow it makes sense) so with gruyère cheese (and crippling guilt) baked into the crust of a pear pie they're sure to get their daily dose of "vanilla"... just go with it, ok?

the aunts are my eccentric shut-in role models.

when i first experienced pushing daisies the thought of a pear gruyère pie was so amazing to me that i was almost distracted away from ned for several minutes.

almost.

after repeated viewings i eventually returned the dvds to netflix one at a time (seriously netflix? dvds? i hate you.) and gradually became entwined in other fantasies. however, when i was subjected to the atrocities of ronan the accuser my immediate thought after "this movie is unwatchable." was "remember the pear gruyère pie?" oh i remember it alright.

since the making of pies requires patience and a skill set i don't feel like perusing right now, i imagined a pear gruyère cupcake because obviously.


i don't usually like to take cupcake risks because i'm too emotionally fragile to accept that i may fail, but this time i feel like i'm up to the challenge. i've been up to all sorts of secret/experimental cupcakery, so stay tuned to see if i am indeed as brilliant as i think i am, or if i'm a miserable failure. aren't you dying to know???

or withstanding torture. it's the same thing really.

love so pauvre

Monday, September 1, 2014

thirty days has september... 2014

after the astounding success of last year's september challenge i've decided to make it a so pauvre tradition (for reasons that i'm sure i'll regret in about four days). get ready for thirty hastily cobbled together posts that will give you a reason to live all month long! you're welcome.


 what to expect:

- tom hiddleston gifs for no reason
- lists
- baking soda
- hobo life and style
- cupcakes
- complaining
- jem
- nocturnal moments of clarity
- more hiddleston gifs


hello september, goodbye three hour naps.
love so pauvre

Monday, August 25, 2014

waiting for the lightning


i'm very cautious of ever referring to myself as a writer. ever. when i hear the word writer i immediately think of literary visionaries who changed the history of their craft forever. definitely a reasonable standard. i would much rather refer to myself as a genius revolutionary than i would a writer. a genius revolutionary who likes to sit in the dark watching netflix and gradually torturing thoughts out of herself for an inconsistent blog that she actively hides from everyone who didn't know about it in 2007, but a genius revolutionary nonetheless. hunter s. thompson i'm not, but i often think that with the right amphetamines i could really churn out some gold.

(source.)

the romantic bohemian notion of being hunched over a typewriter changing the world is one that hold in extremely high esteem nestled snugly between penniless sitar player and tortured vampire musician. as much as i'd like to believe that unemployed hobo blogger is half as sexy as the aforementioned archetypes i have extreme difficulty seeing myself as something i admire. it's brutal but honest.

mmmm...archetype.

in mindy kaling's book is everyone hanging out without me? (and other concerns) she describes her writing style much in the same way i would describe mine - a one to seven "productive-writing-to-screwing-around ratio" and a preference for resembling a recovering tuberculosis patient when writing. mindy is a writer. and i love her.

thank you mindy.

having the shabby persian rug pulled out from under my antique writing desk like that was exactly what i needed to snap me out of my dimly lit poetic fantasy and send me directly back to my dimly lit couch burrito macbook reality.

as long as it's dimly lit.

maybe i was a writer this whole time? maybe unemployed hobo blogger is la nouvelle bohème? maybe i just need a bottle of absinthe to help me figure this whole thing out? in any case, you're stuck with me. every day i think about deleting so pauvre and retreating to the shadows to drown in existential crisis for the rest of my life. but i'm a genius revolutionary. so here i am. 

love so pauvre