Thursday, October 9, 2014

emoji sollozos histéricos

once upon a time in 2010 i stayed up all night watching jersey shore. it was during that cheese ball and loneliness fueled marathon that i first saw it - the corona margarita.

 have you ever seen anything so beautiful?

as soon as i saw snookie take down a minimum of three of these babies (mad respect to snookie) i knew i NEEDED to have one. pretty much all other margaritas became inferior to a giant bowl of tequila and cerveza with a squeeze of lime juice - except for the rose petal margarita at fiesta ole - but that stands alone.

i love you.

approximately five weeks ago, my mom (hi muz!) posted this little gem on her instagram (yay moms with instagram!) and the flickering embers of my long ago dream were re-ignited into a blazing inferno (no ghosts though).

please note that my comment says "my dream is to have one of those margaritas - hysterical sobbing emoji".

it was important that you all know the back story for this to work - i promise i'm getting to the point...

two weeks ago i met up with nid (hi nid!) in alexandria, virgina - she was there for an SOA conference - either sons of anarchy or society of actuaries. it's the same thing really.

risk is opportunity.

whist in alexandria nid and i casually walked into los cuates with the intent to get wasted on margaritas. and eat dinner i guess. but mostly the margaritas. after perusing the margarita menu i noticed el grande margarita with add a corona in small print under it. i immediately needed to clarify with the bartender if it was indeed the fabled jersey shore margarita of my dreams - "a huge margarita with an upside down corona in it". at first the bartender was confused, so i described it again. i'm sure nid was really happy she wanted mexican at this point. eventually it was confirmed and my life-long (four years) dream came true.

hysterical sobbing emoji.

after somehow managing to carry it from the bar to our table and abandoning nid to pay for it... thanks nid! i was on a one way trip to shame island! but oh what a journey.

since i'm a hobo and can't afford booze anymore my tolerance is embarrassingly low. i was legit drunk after a third of my dream and nid had to shush me a bunch. i'm also pretty sure i cried a little. whoops! i couldn't feel my legs or face by the end. good thing our waiter/nid's biggest fan slipped us free shots of tequila AND mini margaritas at some point. MAS TEQUILA.

i definitely thought i was dying by the time we got back to the hotel, but i didn't die so that was good.

sometimes dreams come true children. usually the ones that are pretty readily available at finer mexican eateries/drinkeries. but still. my new dream is the double corona margarita because i like to dream big. it will be mine.

dear nid,
thank you nid for buying me a dream come true for $22.
i love you and i miss you.

love and sno-cones of regret,
so pauvre

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

oh! you pretty things

you need to believe that you're beautiful. even if no one tells you. sometimes no one will tell you. except for maybe your best friend. side note: find a best friend who will tell you that you're beautiful. but mostly you need to tell yourself. constantly and often. all women think they're monsters. all of them. which is stupid. so don't be stupid.

i have no memory of writing this (thank you ambien...) but i feel very strongly about it. 

don't be stupid.
love so pauvre

Monday, October 6, 2014

there and back again: a hobo's tale

you may have noticed that i failed the september challenge pretty hard. well, after a mild to moderate breakdown/existential crisis i learned that putting enormous amounts of pressure on myself isn't really the best way to motivate myself to do something. (whaaaaaat???)

i still managed to put eight posts together in september, which is the most i've posted in one month so far this year - so i guess that's a win. i also managed to not delete the last seven years of posts, which almost happened. daily. i'm working really hard on accepting my life up to this point and not erasing/burning every trace of it, so i'm going to keep pauvre in business even though it can sometimes be a crypt of shame.

in the lifetime of this blog i've destroyed and rebuilt myself over and over again and it's all documented here. (except for the times i was actually dead.) so much has changed over the years that i can barely recognise the person i was when i started so pauvre - even though we look basically identical.

2014 (pretty sure i just got cuter.)

slowly spiraling into hell and even more slowly clawing my way out again has been an agonizing process.  it was ugly and embarrassing but it needed to happen and i need to recognize that i made it out alive. as much as i want to bury the last seven to ten years of my life in an unmarked desert grave, i wouldn't be the same without them. i actually love the person i am now - even though i'm an unemployed hobo who stays up all night making messes and eating garbage.

don't ever forget where you came from, what you survived, or all of your awkward hair cuts. remember the times you made a total drunken ass of yourself, and all the people you thought you could love. the uncomfortable memories of making unfortunate life choices don't have to haunt you like hideously disfigured ghosts, they can simply just be. let them float in and out and wave to them as they pass.

life is going to continually try to set you on fire, but know that you'll get through it because you totally rule at fighting fires by now.

metaphoric ghosts and fires may run rampant here, but there's a lot of cupcakes and love too. they all belong to me whether i like it or not, so i might as well invite them all to the party. a ghost inferno party with cupcakes really isn't that bad.

love and ghost inferno cupcake parties,
so pauvre

Thursday, September 18, 2014

slumming it

after recently watching a documentary about raccoons, bear pointed out that my behaviour is very raccoon-like.  he's actually compared me to a dirty raccoon more than once. much like nature's bandits - i'm cute, nocturnal, and too clever for my own good. i also make spectacular messes and enjoy eating garbage. sweet sweet garbage.

if something actually steals nutrients from your body it probably tastes amazing. if it's been chemically engineered to make my brain think it's drugs i want to eat it. a few weeks ago i was exposed to a red velvet cake that was made from a mix with canned frosting erotically slathered all over it. my friend was really self-conscious that i would be offended by such gross cake-related negligence, but really all i could think of was the sweet sweet chemicals.

in america the chemicals are cheap and plentiful. they're also more fun than actual food. during a recent trip to the baking aisle in my trench coat and sunglasses i marvelled in the cake mixes and canned frostings. did you know there are six neon colours of funfetti now??? neon is the most delicious chemical of all.

although i managed to resist the cake mixes AND the funfetti i couldn't stop myself from finally indulging in my secret fantasy of duncan hines frosting creations. it's basically a can of frosting "base" that you add a packet of whatever flavour you want to said base. the mixes are all fun flavours like orange creme, white chocolate raspberry, mint chocolate, etc. i chose bubble gum because obviously. it also costs like eight cents for both the base and the mix, so you know it's quality.

so wrong yet so right.

i'm either going to save it for a future cupcake project, or for when i finally break down and a box of pink velvet cake mix and use them together in secret shame. more than likely i'm just gonna eat it with a spoon in the middle of the night watching literally hundreds of episodes of top model.

you better believe it.

love and partially hydrogenated food stuffs,
so pauvre

p.s. i also secretly used the cinnamon roll flavour as the frosting on my pear gruyère cupcakes...oops.

Friday, September 12, 2014

strawberry cupcakes: a post about strawberry cupcakes

in june i made these strawberry cupcakes for my friend jen and her husband for their first anniversary. i cranked out like two hundred of them for her shower and for their wedding last year and they've been lusting after them ever since. my cupcakes are that good. seriously.

strawberry cupcakes were instrumental in making me the highly skilled cupcaketress that i am today. they're the first cupcakes i ever made from scratch - because why would i start with vanilla? - and they ignited a butter-fueled sugar flame inside of me that compelled me to bake only cupcakes for all eternity.

my very first little babies. the chocolate dipped strawbs on top are an excellent example of how i like to make extra work for myself.

i've made strawberry cupcakes for three bridal showers, two weddings, and a wedding anniversary. clearly they are the official cupcake of love. official. they are my most requested cupcake and the cupcake i hate making the most. obviously.

but they're PINK, so how could i hate them? so much work. SO. MUCH. it takes me seven hours to make two dozen. like actually seven hours. i usually swear that i'm never making strawberry cupcakes ever again at least four times during the process and then i eat one and it's like fuuuuhking delicious. bastards.

i was particularly full of rage about making this last batch. whipped frosting is a delicate ballet of science and swearing. plus is was so hot outside they instantly melted as soon as i took them outside. i was told they were the best cupcakes i've ever made. of course.

the lesson is: if you hate something it will be the thing you do best.

and that's my post about strawberry cupcakes.
love so pauvre.

Thursday, September 11, 2014

happy birthday nid!

"you haven't blogged about me for a while..." - nid

dear nid,

since i haven't blogged about you for a while (thank you for bringing that to the attention of the staff) i'm here to wish you a birthday that's better than olympic gymnastics, useful formulae, and free cookies combined! i can't wait to eat all the cupcakes in DC together and maybe even watch the prestige somehow.


i hope your birthday burrito isn't just mustard on a tortilla.
love leaks

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

kitchen cupboard alchemy: clove mouth rinse

i warned you there would be baking soda. so much baking soda...

one of the most common questions no one asks me is "why did you start making everything from baking soda?" well no one, it kind of happened by accident when i was looking for an alternative to deodorant (it was ruining my black shirts) and - like almost everything in my life - i quickly became obsessed and it spiraled out of control. i like the idea of one basic solution solving a hundred problems. however, not all of my experiments have been successful. one was a terrible failure - you'll learn about that another day - but it was definitely the deodorant.

one of my most successful baking soda potions is clove mouth rinse. i experimented with several baking soda-based oral health solutions and this is the only one that cut the mutard. it took me a while to understand that dental things could taste like anything other than mint, but a lot of my research pointed to clove oil as the answer to all of your mouth problems. i previously assumed that cloves were only useful in the making of gingerbread, but i've since learned they have curative properties. even more curative than gingerbread.

i've become moderately to excessively obsessed (shocking information.) with essential oils during my baking soda experiments. they appeal to the botanical witch in me - another of my beloved archetypes so beautifully illustrated by sandra bullock in practical magic and sarah paulson in american horror story: coven. little bottles of distilled plant oils in my baking drawer is as close as i've come to being a botanical witch or an18th century apothecary. what little girl doesn't harbour those dreams?

the thing about clove oil is that it BURNS like a mother. especially the first few days - your mouth tissues will be screaming. that's the cloves killing the shit out of all your mouth bacteria. if you teeth and/or gums are jerks, clove oil is your new best friend. it's a natural antiseptic and numbs whatever it touches - so a little clove oil on a cotton swab (q-tip) applied to a tooth ache works like a charm. tryyyyy not to get it on your lips or it sucks for like twenty minutes.

you can also use peppermint essential oil or tea tree oil in your mouth rinse to mix it up, but clove is definitely my fave on account of all the evil that lives in my mouth. i get all my essential oils on amazon - edens garden is my favourite because they're high quality and reasonably priced. plus the bottles are cute which is really the best part.

after using this mouth rinse for a few months my gums bleed less, my teeth feel stronger, and they even look a little whiter thanks to my beloved baking soda. hooray!

who's ready to try this fabled elixir? everyone? cool. this is what you need:

  • a container (i use adorable blue mason jars)
  • 1 cup filtered water
  • 4 tsp baking soda
  • between 4 and 11 drops of clove essential oil... sometimes it comes out really fast. you've been warned.

shake everything up in your container and swish a small mouthful of this curative brew in your mouth for a minute or two after brushing and flossing. (and yes - i know i'm the only person alive who flosses daily.) try not to swallow it because it sucks. i usually follow it up with a quick water rise just to get some of the clove-soaked dead poisons outta there. the oil will break down over time so feel free to add more if you miss the burning. one batch usually lasts me two-three weeks.

there are hundreds of mouth rinse recipes online that are a lot more elaborate, but i'm lazy so this one works for me.

you'll soon come to learn that having random jars full of cloudy mystery liquid around the house is pretty great.

love your friendly neighbourhood kitchen cupboard alchemist,
so pauvre

Sunday, September 7, 2014

todd kraines

recently i was gifted eight glorious seasons of keeping up with the kardashians on hulu+. i had previously only seen up to season five (thanks for nothing netflix...) so there were three seasons of gold i had not yet discovered. it was a truly magical time in my life, and i will always remember it fondly.

one of my favourite elements of the show is kourtney's boyfriend - scott disick. i've actually laughed myself to tears whilst watching the kardashians at 2am alone in the dark thanks to lord disick. (he bought himself the title of lord while on a trip to london. amazing.) say what you will about scott, but he's a comedy genius.

in the eighth season, kourtney and khloe convince scott to prank call kris jenner repeatedly pretending to be a friend of a the family - todd kraines. scott as todd kraines is the kind of thing that makes me laugh out loud just remembering that it happened. i'm fairly certain that no one will else will find this to be even remotely as hilarious as i do, and that most of you have stopped reading by now, but i can't be responsible for your poor life choices.

at least hiddles gets it.
the voice is incredible, but scott's face and hand gestures ruin me every time. this is what brings me joy in life, ok?

love todd kraines

Thursday, September 4, 2014

as brilliant as i think i am

not to be confused with cup pies (pies that look like cupcakes) these are cup pies (cupcakes that look like pies). one idea is tedious (way to go chuck) and one is genius (way to go me).

pear gruyère cupcake pies basically advanced bakery science by ten years. also, they look like little pies. this is definitely one of those times when i wish i could windmill high five myself.

the frosting looks like it was applied a short time after someone smashed my hands with hammers, but you get the idea.

they're so cute that it almost wouldn't matter what they tasted like... unless they tasted four hundred times better than they look. which they do. the cake is vanilla and shredded gruyère with a spiced pear filling and cinnamon frosting.


thank you (as always) to bear - my baking assistant/husband - for supporting the fabrication of these cupcakes/for not getting mad when i talked about frosting options for like four days/for re-sizing the only usable image of the pie hole's logo that existed on the internet so that i could tape it to a popcicle stick. it's the best part.

and don't worry lee pace, even though someone made a very bad choice for you and your career in the tragic wasting of your beautiful face as ronan the accuser, i still love you.

and your eyebrows.
love so pauvre