Monday, July 21, 2014

snapshot of the month

when i was in high school i made a picture frame from construction paper and wrote snapshot of the month on it in silver marker. i stuck it inside my locker door and instantly became the most popular girl in school. locker decor can make or break you. also, the internet barely existed and i needed something to do.

even though this isn't my locker door, and it's actually eight snapshots - from the eight months i've been partially dead - it's still basically the same deal. and stop asking me to go to prom with you.

december: christmas pizza delivery from trees

i ate a million cookies and a million xanax. christmas at the mall is hell on earth. thankfully my mailbox was always full of holiday treats! i like pizza.

january: gramma's charm bracelet

it snowed forever and my gramma died. we drove eight hours to and from canada through a frozen hellscape for her funeral and i got called in to work two hours after we got back to PA. thanks for the memories january.

 february: white death

snow. emotional trauma. crippling illness. more snow. our third anniversary! it also snowed.

march: dutch haven

road trip to dutch haven for shoo fly pie and whoopie pies! 
a much needed (windy!) day of fun for fox and bear even though everyone hated us that day. it's not always easy being popular.

april: nelvana of the northern lights

i got a new tattoo and it felt like sandpaper grinding into an open wound for two hours. totally badass. kiki painted me beautiful flash from a kate leth design and jake at the quillian tattooed it for me.
it hurt for like eight weeks.

may: deep fried dreams

bear took me to the fair and i ate a corn dog, chicken fingers and fries (dipped in cheese sauce), a lime snow cone, and a candy apple covered in sprinkles for the road. i was pretty happy.

june: wonder woman

i had so much fun getting my shin sanded that i went back to jake for more. kiki designed an amazing wonder woman for me as a companion to nelvana!
one step closer to the side show.

july: emancipation.

quit my job in the fourth circle of hell. life force gradually returning.

i guess i'll sign your yearbook. i guess.
love so pauvre

Sunday, July 20, 2014

let's try this again.

here i am.

once again i've fought my way through the battlefield of destruction and jumped off the terrifying cliff of creation. hopefully i won't end up a crumpled corpse on the jagged rocks of destruction that are located just below said cliff... but i guess i'll deal with that later.

this year has been a very emotionally challenging - more so than usual. my cozy little depression hole became a bottomless, burning coal mine from which there was seemingly no escape. all i wanted was to sit in the dark all night and eat mcdonalds. which i did pretty frequently. my job has been crippling me to the point where i would cry before, during, and after work. on my days off i cried for hours just anticipating the next day. i started to feel like having access to a drawer full of box cutters wasn't a good idea. it was bad. it was so bad that my handsome and supportive husbear said that if i wanted to quit i should quit for the sake of my own well being - and his. i refused to believe that was an option as we were already hobos with two incomes. weeks passed. crying intensified. bad things were going down.

my yearly general health check up unearthed some new and worsened physical ailments courtesy of my highly coveted career as an assistant retail manager. the doctor asked me if it was possible for me to quit my job and i said no. a few days later in my weekly therapy session my psychologist put down his note pad (that's when you know it's serious business) and said "i think you have to quit your job". not can you or do you want to. HAVE TO. this really was serious business. he said that no job is worth sacrificing my physical and mental health for, especially not a job that i hate more than i hate all the things i've ever hated. it was now or never.

and so i quit. just like that. OUT. i felt like i had been hit by a bus for a day or two and then it was like the spell was broken and everything was in colour again. i still have a week left to work, but already the unfamiliar feeling of hope has begun to stir inside me. free at last.

saturday will be my last day at the job responsible for almost killing me. i feel tremendous guilt for leaving my beloved work daughters behind, and for no longer contributing financially to my marriage, but it had to be done. i sincerely believe that - had i not quit - the drawer full of box cutters would have been in an evidence locker by october.

and so here i am - rising from the smoldering ashes, etc.

i'm sure the crippling self-doubt and panic will set in any day now, but for now i'm just going to pretend that all my problems have been magically solved forever.

love so pauvre

Thursday, June 19, 2014

a blind hobo's bounty

i'm blowing the cobwebs off this little blog to bring you the happy conclusion of the blind hobo saga!

my precious.
this beautiful bounty of cases came courtesy of my personal canadian shopper - melissa! after scouring every shopper's drug mart in the niagara region she happened across them at zehrs! who knew? i'm so fortunate to have such amazing friends who go out of their way for me even though i'm a huge pain in the ass. thank you to everyone who took the time to hunt for these elusive jewels! i promise not to ask for anything else...for at least two weeks.

thank you again meliss!
love so pauvre

Thursday, May 15, 2014

help a blind hobo

dear beloved canadian friends,

if you would like to hoard ALL of these contact lens cases from your local shopper's drug mart i will love you forever. i can paypal you CANADIAN funds in return! plus you'll get a shout out on pauvre AND instagram! so basically your dreams will all come true. apparently it's screw top cases or the highway in this country. jerks.

thank you with sprinkles on top!
love a blind hobo

a very dirty or untidy state or condition

hi! i make messes. a lot of messes. i live in a perpetual cycle of clearing off spaces just so i can make new messes on them. i'm talking about REAL messes - NOT "oops! i'm so quirky and fun that i didn't notice a few art supplies spilled onto my mid-century modern dining table, but i took this photo to show you i'm not perfect!" messes. fuck those messes.

bear calls this my pod. it's also known as my nest, my command center, my couch burrito, etc. it's one of my most expertly crafted messes. there are at least eleven misshapen couch pillows forming the base, and you'll notice my charging chords hanging over the side of the couch for easy/lazy access. oops! i'm so quirky!

own your mess. don't pretend it's not there. settle into your mess and watch netflix for seven hours. find empty jelly belly bags from february in your mess and then stuff them back into the cushions until the next time you feel like throwing them away... just as a hypothetical situation.

here's to keepin' it real.
love so pauvre

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

magic makes it all complete

when trees and i made pinkie pie cupcakes last year i never would have guessed that i would be making dozens of my little pony cupcakes over the next twelve months (and probably forever). it turns out that pony themed cupcakes are kind of my deal.

twilight sparkle was the last of the mane six to be immortalized in cupcake form mostly because i had NO IDEA what to do for her cupcakes, but also because she's the reason we're all learning valuable lessons about friendship each week. twilight moved to canterlot to study the magic of friendship and in the process discovers her own magic to be incredibly powerful/bad ass.

so it's obvious twilight's cupcakes had to be magical in some way. it's a given that they would be magically delicious, but how???

1. sprinkles!
2. swirly frosting!

see? kind of my deal.

i started with good ol' vanilla cake with some good ol' purple food colouring gel mixed in. i'm sure you've been warned before, but seriously - don't get nuts with the gel. it stains EVERYTHING it touches and you only need a drop the size of a pencil lead to blow your cake's mind with colour.

once the cupcakes were cooled i carved out little holes in each cake with a pairing knife. this part was really fun because i was just eating cake nubs for like an hour.

mmm... nubs. 

i filled each hole with star sprinkles or "magic" if you will, but then things got even more magical/erotic...

pudding. PINK pudding. oooohhhhh baby.

the colours are killing me at this point. SO pretty. i was really nervous about the frosting because i'd never made a two colour swirl before! i got this effect by filling half of my piping bag with pink and the other half with purple. i've read that you can use two piping bags - one with each colour - but who has time for that??? frankly i'm just too damn lazy.

miraculously or MAGICALLY they turned out to be perfect pink and purple dreams come true. now what about that filling?

i'm a genius.

now that i've finished the mane six i only have one or two more ponies i REALLY want to cupcake, but i'm sure i'll eventually stay up all night trying to decide who else will make the list. which pony is your favourite???

love and things no one cares about but me, 
so pauvre

Saturday, May 3, 2014

flat out fab

dear black flats...

why are you the worst? you're always slightly the wrong the size and usually covered in buckles or bows. crippled by blisters i pray the next pair will be different, but you're all the same. it doesn't matter how much you cost or what you're made of you're always ugly and/or disfiguring. it makes me sad and/or angry.

i hate you.
love so pauvre

i've seriously thought about amputating my baby toes just to make my life slightly easier in the flats department... until now! i've finally found a way to keep my toes AND have flats that fit. whaaaaa???

look at these PERFECT suede flats! they were made for me. and when i say made for me, i mean someone made them. for me.

photos courtesy of erin bonnie.

after buying, trying, and returning every pair of black flats ever made (sorry zappos...) i decided to get serious.  CUSTOM MADE FLATS. hobo priorities ok?

did you know that people MAKE shoes? i still don't really understand how, but i decided to accept it and move on. after a quick etsy search for "custom made leather flats" i found erin bonnie's handmade leather ballet flats and i was in love. minimal fuss, zero muss. the designer/shop owner - irene - was super helpful during the entire process. i was able to send her the measurements AND a tracing of my ridiculous feet to ensure the ultimate in custom comfort. serious business. she even special ordered black suede from an Italian tannery for me because i require a matte finish at all times.

look at these babies. so soft and non-crippling! and all i had to do was commission them from a  cordwainer in greece. that's all.

thank you irene for my beautiful shoes! my non-amputated baby toes send their love.

love so pauvre

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

things i don't hate: a weekly-ish list of things that aren't the worst

1. khloe kardashian's drag race outfit

when my favourite kardashian is a guest judge on my favourite drag queen competition show wearing a glittery low-cut sailor suit it's the best thing that happened that day. possibly ever.


2. eat well embrace life black bean hummus

although i'm not usually a fan of eating well OR embracing life i'm pretty in love with this hummus. it makes raw vegetables taste less like poison from hell and more like a burrito.

3. baking soda

recently i declared a vendetta against personal care products. store bought lotions and potions are over-priced, they clutter up counter tops, and they're really not necessary. baking soda can replace almost all your toiletries and be used a hundred different ways. from deodorizing, to hair washing and teeth cleaning - it even regulates your pH levels to reduce urinary tract infections! baking soda does it ALL. everybody wins. bring on the arm & hammer!

you can also bake with it! who knew?
this week i'm trying out a mix of baking soda and cornstarch in place of deodorant.  six parts corn starch to one part baking soda = fresh n' dry all day long for like eight cents. magic!

love and bone-dry pits, 
so pauvre

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

things i don't hate: a weekly-ish list of things that aren't the worst

1. sabrina the teenage witch

if you haven't watched sabrina since 1996-2003 now is your chance to stay up all night watching ALL one hundred and sixty-three episodes on hulu. as an adult i have a have a pretty deep appreciation for the homemade sets in "the other realm", bad-good puns, and "magic" effects that define this masterpiece. i'm also keeping a log of when salem is an actual cat - it happens when you least suspect.

2. swiss miss marshmallow madness hot cocoa mix

how did i live my entire life without rainbow mini marshmallows in my hot chocolate??? thankfully i never have to live like that again. i like to shake this up with some cold milk and enjoy the grainy/foamy chocolate marshmallow milk it produces. sure it's meant to be hot, but cold marshmallow madness is the best two in the morning sabrina watching snack. obviously.

3. taco bell breakfast

this one is entirely bear's fault. one day he came home with a pair of a.m. crunch wraps and some cinnabon delights. my breakfast world was forever changed.  eggs, hash browns, bacon, other treats folded in a tortilla then grilled into a crisp, delightful pocket? YES PLEASE. and if you've never had a cinnabon delight, DON'T. they can't be untasted. fried cinnabon balls filled with frosting and rolled in cinnamon sugar served WARM. plus WAFFLE TACOS. taco bell you diabolical bastard.


4. period tracker apps

the ways of my uterus are a mystery to me - a mystery that usually involves me wanting to sell it to the first back alley uterus junkie that comes along. seriously, who can keep track of what egg is where and exactly when everything is going to ruin your life for three to five days? certainly not me. so i'm using month pal to keep track of my lady times because it's pretty easy to set up and edit as needed. it even sends me warning alerts when i'm fertile so i can put my junk on lock down. you know - rolling a boulder in front of your love cave. it has lots of other gross/useful functions to make sure you know what's up downtown!


love and back alley uterus junkies,
so pauvre

Friday, April 11, 2014

bubble gum yum yum

the following post was mostly written between the hours of two and four a.m. fueled by ambien and marshmallow madness swiss miss.


everyone knows that the only thing better than ice cream is pink ice cream. and the only thing better than pink ice cream is pink ice cream that i made with my own magical, god-like hands of creation. plus sprinkles. obviously.


bubble gum ice cream without the obstacle of actual gum fragments taking up valuable real estate that could be occupied by more ice cream has been something bear and i have dreamed of all our lives. we rule.

i started with this recipe - added way more pink - and obviously scrapped the gum fragments because gum fragments are the WORST.

if i've learned anything from my adventures in ice cream making so far it's that if you soak something in milk for long enough the milk will magically taste like the thing that's been soaking in said milk. it's the key to unlocking the door to deliciousness. soaking spools of bubble tape in a measuring cup full of milk over night in order to provide a sufficiently bubble gummy base was the most erotic thing i've ever seen.


after a long, sexy night of milk soaking you can start making the custardy base. this baby has ten egg yolks in it and that's really the most annoying/messy part of this whole deal. outsource if possible.

waiting for the base to chill is the longest four hours of your life, but it's totally worth it when you can finally watch it hypnotically churn for a half hour.

when the custard base is churning it's known as the transformation stage because it slowly starts to change or "transform" into cream that has been iced.  the curing stage is where it hangs out in the freezer for another eternity and develops (cures) into serious business ice cream.

three days later you can finally eat the effing ice cream. SO worth it. throw some cute sprinkles on top and shovel it into your face like you've been dreaming of since two days ago when you watched spools of bubble tape soak erotically in a measuring cup of milk.

love and zero gum fragments,
so pauvre