Friday, October 31, 2014

happy halloween!

bear made this sweet little halloween fox just for me! i love that he included some night babies (bats) to keep me company during my endless hours of insomnia. click here to see bear's gallery!

i love her.

we carved our jack-o-lanterns last night - and just in case you were wondering - the green pumpkin kind of smelled like melon and wasn't slimy at all on the inside! those crazy cucurbitaceae are full of surprises.

happy halloween!

love and cucurbitaceae,
so pauvre

Thursday, October 30, 2014

cookie bear and sprinkle fox

if you're one of the elite few who has ever been involved with the manufacture of my gingerbread cookies then you know that it takes HOURS and that - mysteriously - a minimum of one dozen never make it to the finished pile. 

however - as with pretty much everything in my life - making gingerbread cookies has been made ten times easier by the existence of a bear. it turns out he's the best at cookies. he has the patience required to use a rolling pin and switch multiple batches in and out of the oven. i highly recommend marrying a bear if at all possible.

recently, i contracted the plague and as usual i refused to seek medical attention for several weeks. because he cares about my well being for some reason, bear insisted i see a doctor. in exchange for my reluctant cooperation he made the gingerbread dough - that alone takes two hours - so hooray for bears! (love youuuuuuu!)

the following day bear rolled and cut and baked ALL the cookies while i made digital collages on my phone. who knew this process could be such a breeze??? (thank you honeyyyyy!)

once the cookies were cooled and stacked neatly into shape piles (by a bear) it was time for me to shine!  frosting and sprinkles are my favourite part of anything that has frosting and sprinkles.

and just in case you were wondering - pink is a halloween colour. (sorry nid.)

even though he already spent a hundred years making these cookies, bear helped me decorate them because he's the best. ever.

and the cutest. ever.

although, his controlled use of frosting and complete lack of sprinkles made me briefly reconsider his involvement in this phase of the project.



eventually (two hours later) every cookie had been lovingly hand-crafted and the kitchen was a disaster.  but so so worth it. right?

later that night we both almost died of food poisoning (goodbye forever sushi!) and we were unable to eat a single cookie for two to four days. obviously.

love and sprinkles,
so pauvre

Sunday, October 26, 2014

cutest pumpkins in the patch

once upon a time in the hell on earth that is the mall, i would be waist deep in christmas by the first of october. it successfully ruined autumn for me as well as winter, spring, and summer. fortunately for everyone involved, i'm an unemployed hobo now, which means i'm free to fully enjoy reasonably priced autumn fun for the first time in three years. thank you complete emotional and physical collapse - i couldn't have done it without you!

tom hiddleston gif! how did you get in here???

anywho... the two cutest words when said in succession are pumpkin and patch. perfect. the fact that pumpkins are even a thing that grows out of the ground is pretty incredible as it is, but when apple cider based treats and adorable farms are also involved you better get your children out of my way. just get them out of my way in general.

i definitely couldn't see out of these sweet jack-o-lantern glasses. 

the cutest part about the pumpkin patch is bear pulling a little red pumpkin wagon. i mean come on. also, his beard was outstanding that day.

"i wore my halloween t shirt." of course you did because you're precious. 

everyone knows that i'm physically incapable of resisting anything with a face hole - especially plywood paintings of cute things that need faces. it doesn't matter how meant for children it is, you better believe my face is going in there. bear hates face holes - but he loves me - so... scare bear!

we actually had to get on our knees to make these happen. child size only makes it more of a victory.

pumpkins are fun and cute, and there were SO MANY face holes, but really we were only there for the treats - STILL WARM apple cider donuts and frosty apple cider slushies. bear got his own slushie this year after i refused to share for the last two years. trust me - you wouldn't share either. not even with a person who was dying of apple cider slushie deficiency.

seriously - get your own.

we did eventually choose pumpkins because i love them and i can't wait to smell the insides of them. does anyone else live for hollowed-out pumpkin smell? especially after a candle has been in there for a while... oh baby.

this year i was obsessed with the beautiful green pumpkins at grim's. bear made sure to get an orange one just in case the green ones don't smell the same... or because he wanted an orange one. either way.

there was no way in hell i wasn't getting that little baby one.

dear grim's pumpkin patch...

thank you for being so cute and fun, and for inventing apple cider slushies. thank you for being so nice when i wanted an apple cider slushie even though the apple cider slushies were not yet available to the public. thank you for always having face holes. i love you.

love so pauvre

Thursday, October 9, 2014

emoji sollozos histéricos

once upon a time in 2010 i stayed up all night watching jersey shore. it was during that cheese ball and loneliness fueled marathon that i first saw it - the corona margarita.

 have you ever seen anything so beautiful?

as soon as i saw snookie take down a minimum of three of these babies (mad respect to snookie) i knew i NEEDED to have one. pretty much all other margaritas became inferior to a giant bowl of tequila and cerveza with a squeeze of lime juice - except for the rose petal margarita at fiesta ole - but that stands alone.

i love you.

approximately five weeks ago, my mom (hi muz!) posted this little gem on her instagram (yay moms with instagram!) and the flickering embers of my long ago dream were re-ignited into a blazing inferno (no ghosts though).

please note that my comment says "my dream is to have one of those margaritas - hysterical sobbing emoji".

it was important that you all know the back story for this to work - i promise i'm getting to the point...

two weeks ago i met up with nid (hi nid!) in alexandria, virgina - she was there for an SOA conference - either sons of anarchy or society of actuaries. it's the same thing really.

risk is opportunity.

whist in alexandria nid and i casually walked into los cuates with the intent to get wasted on margaritas. and eat dinner i guess. but mostly the margaritas. after perusing the margarita menu i noticed el grande margarita with add a corona in small print under it. i immediately needed to clarify with the bartender if it was indeed the fabled jersey shore margarita of my dreams - "a huge margarita with an upside down corona in it". at first the bartender was confused, so i described it again. i'm sure nid was really happy she wanted mexican at this point. eventually it was confirmed and my life-long (four years) dream came true.

hysterical sobbing emoji.

after somehow managing to carry it from the bar to our table and abandoning nid to pay for it... thanks nid! i was on a one way trip to shame island! but oh what a journey.

since i'm a hobo and can't afford booze anymore my tolerance is embarrassingly low. i was legit drunk after a third of my dream and nid had to shush me a bunch. i'm also pretty sure i cried a little. whoops! i couldn't feel my legs or face by the end. good thing our waiter/nid's biggest fan slipped us free shots of tequila AND mini margaritas at some point. MAS TEQUILA.

i definitely thought i was dying by the time we got back to the hotel, but i didn't die so that was good.

sometimes dreams come true children. usually the ones that are pretty readily available at finer mexican eateries/drinkeries. but still. my new dream is the double corona margarita because i like to dream big. it will be mine.

dear nid,
thank you nid for buying me a dream come true for $22.
i love you and i miss you.

love and sno-cones of regret,
so pauvre

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

oh! you pretty things

you need to believe that you're beautiful. even if no one tells you. sometimes no one will tell you. except for maybe your best friend. side note: find a best friend who will tell you that you're beautiful. but mostly you need to tell yourself. constantly and often. all women think they're monsters. all of them. which is stupid. so don't be stupid.

i have no memory of writing this (thank you ambien...) but i feel very strongly about it. 

don't be stupid.
love so pauvre

Monday, October 6, 2014

there and back again: a hobo's tale

you may have noticed that i failed the september challenge pretty hard. well, after a mild to moderate breakdown/existential crisis i learned that putting enormous amounts of pressure on myself isn't really the best way to motivate myself to do something. (whaaaaaat???)

i still managed to put eight posts together in september, which is the most i've posted in one month so far this year - so i guess that's a win. i also managed to not delete the last seven years of posts, which almost happened. daily. i'm working really hard on accepting my life up to this point and not erasing/burning every trace of it, so i'm going to keep pauvre in business even though it can sometimes be a crypt of shame.

in the lifetime of this blog i've destroyed and rebuilt myself over and over again and it's all documented here. (except for the times i was actually dead.) so much has changed over the years that i can barely recognise the person i was when i started so pauvre - even though we look basically identical.

2014 (pretty sure i just got cuter.)

slowly spiraling into hell and even more slowly clawing my way out again has been an agonizing process.  it was ugly and embarrassing but it needed to happen and i need to recognize that i made it out alive. as much as i want to bury the last seven to ten years of my life in an unmarked desert grave, i wouldn't be the same without them. i actually love the person i am now - even though i'm an unemployed hobo who stays up all night making messes and eating garbage.

don't ever forget where you came from, what you survived, or all of your awkward hair cuts. remember the times you made a total drunken ass of yourself, and all the people you thought you could love. the uncomfortable memories of making unfortunate life choices don't have to haunt you like hideously disfigured ghosts, they can simply just be. let them float in and out and wave to them as they pass.

life is going to continually try to set you on fire, but know that you'll get through it because you totally rule at fighting fires by now.

metaphoric ghosts and fires may run rampant here, but there's a lot of cupcakes and love too. they all belong to me whether i like it or not, so i might as well invite them all to the party. a ghost inferno party with cupcakes really isn't that bad.

love and ghost inferno cupcake parties,
so pauvre

Thursday, September 18, 2014

slumming it

after recently watching a documentary about raccoons, bear pointed out that my behaviour is very raccoon-like.  he's actually compared me to a dirty raccoon more than once. much like nature's bandits - i'm cute, nocturnal, and too clever for my own good. i also make spectacular messes and enjoy eating garbage. sweet sweet garbage.

if something actually steals nutrients from your body it probably tastes amazing. if it's been chemically engineered to make my brain think it's drugs i want to eat it. a few weeks ago i was exposed to a red velvet cake that was made from a mix with canned frosting erotically slathered all over it. my friend was really self-conscious that i would be offended by such gross cake-related negligence, but really all i could think of was the sweet sweet chemicals.

in america the chemicals are cheap and plentiful. they're also more fun than actual food. during a recent trip to the baking aisle in my trench coat and sunglasses i marvelled in the cake mixes and canned frostings. did you know there are six neon colours of funfetti now??? neon is the most delicious chemical of all.

although i managed to resist the cake mixes AND the funfetti i couldn't stop myself from finally indulging in my secret fantasy of duncan hines frosting creations. it's basically a can of frosting "base" that you add a packet of whatever flavour you want to said base. the mixes are all fun flavours like orange creme, white chocolate raspberry, mint chocolate, etc. i chose bubble gum because obviously. it also costs like eight cents for both the base and the mix, so you know it's quality.

so wrong yet so right.

i'm either going to save it for a future cupcake project, or for when i finally break down and a box of pink velvet cake mix and use them together in secret shame. more than likely i'm just gonna eat it with a spoon in the middle of the night watching literally hundreds of episodes of top model.

you better believe it.

love and partially hydrogenated food stuffs,
so pauvre

p.s. i also secretly used the cinnamon roll flavour as the frosting on my pear gruyère cupcakes...oops.

Friday, September 12, 2014

strawberry cupcakes: a post about strawberry cupcakes

in june i made these strawberry cupcakes for my friend jen and her husband for their first anniversary. i cranked out like two hundred of them for her shower and for their wedding last year and they've been lusting after them ever since. my cupcakes are that good. seriously.

strawberry cupcakes were instrumental in making me the highly skilled cupcaketress that i am today. they're the first cupcakes i ever made from scratch - because why would i start with vanilla? - and they ignited a butter-fueled sugar flame inside of me that compelled me to bake only cupcakes for all eternity.

my very first little babies. the chocolate dipped strawbs on top are an excellent example of how i like to make extra work for myself.

i've made strawberry cupcakes for three bridal showers, two weddings, and a wedding anniversary. clearly they are the official cupcake of love. official. they are my most requested cupcake and the cupcake i hate making the most. obviously.

but they're PINK, so how could i hate them? so much work. SO. MUCH. it takes me seven hours to make two dozen. like actually seven hours. i usually swear that i'm never making strawberry cupcakes ever again at least four times during the process and then i eat one and it's like fuuuuhking delicious. bastards.

i was particularly full of rage about making this last batch. whipped frosting is a delicate ballet of science and swearing. plus is was so hot outside they instantly melted as soon as i took them outside. i was told they were the best cupcakes i've ever made. of course.

the lesson is: if you hate something it will be the thing you do best.

and that's my post about strawberry cupcakes.
love so pauvre.

Thursday, September 11, 2014

happy birthday nid!

"you haven't blogged about me for a while..." - nid

dear nid,

since i haven't blogged about you for a while (thank you for bringing that to the attention of the staff) i'm here to wish you a birthday that's better than olympic gymnastics, useful formulae, and free cookies combined! i can't wait to eat all the cupcakes in DC together and maybe even watch the prestige somehow.


i hope your birthday burrito isn't just mustard on a tortilla.
love leaks

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

kitchen cupboard alchemy: clove mouth rinse

i warned you there would be baking soda. so much baking soda...

one of the most common questions no one asks me is "why did you start making everything from baking soda?" well no one, it kind of happened by accident when i was looking for an alternative to deodorant (it was ruining my black shirts) and - like almost everything in my life - i quickly became obsessed and it spiraled out of control. i like the idea of one basic solution solving a hundred problems. however, not all of my experiments have been successful. one was a terrible failure - you'll learn about that another day - but it was definitely the deodorant.

one of my most successful baking soda potions is clove mouth rinse. i experimented with several baking soda-based oral health solutions and this is the only one that cut the mutard. it took me a while to understand that dental things could taste like anything other than mint, but a lot of my research pointed to clove oil as the answer to all of your mouth problems. i previously assumed that cloves were only useful in the making of gingerbread, but i've since learned they have curative properties. even more curative than gingerbread.

i've become moderately to excessively obsessed (shocking information.) with essential oils during my baking soda experiments. they appeal to the botanical witch in me - another of my beloved archetypes so beautifully illustrated by sandra bullock in practical magic and sarah paulson in american horror story: coven. little bottles of distilled plant oils in my baking drawer is as close as i've come to being a botanical witch or an18th century apothecary. what little girl doesn't harbour those dreams?

the thing about clove oil is that it BURNS like a mother. especially the first few days - your mouth tissues will be screaming. that's the cloves killing the shit out of all your mouth bacteria. if you teeth and/or gums are jerks, clove oil is your new best friend. it's a natural antiseptic and numbs whatever it touches - so a little clove oil on a cotton swab (q-tip) applied to a tooth ache works like a charm. tryyyyy not to get it on your lips or it sucks for like twenty minutes.

you can also use peppermint essential oil or tea tree oil in your mouth rinse to mix it up, but clove is definitely my fave on account of all the evil that lives in my mouth. i get all my essential oils on amazon - edens garden is my favourite because they're high quality and reasonably priced. plus the bottles are cute which is really the best part.

after using this mouth rinse for a few months my gums bleed less, my teeth feel stronger, and they even look a little whiter thanks to my beloved baking soda. hooray!

who's ready to try this fabled elixir? everyone? cool. this is what you need:

  • a container (i use adorable blue mason jars)
  • 1 cup filtered water
  • 4 tsp baking soda
  • between 4 and 11 drops of clove essential oil... sometimes it comes out really fast. you've been warned.

shake everything up in your container and swish a small mouthful of this curative brew in your mouth for a minute or two after brushing and flossing. (and yes - i know i'm the only person alive who flosses daily.) try not to swallow it because it sucks. i usually follow it up with a quick water rise just to get some of the clove-soaked dead poisons outta there. the oil will break down over time so feel free to add more if you miss the burning. one batch usually lasts me two-three weeks.

there are hundreds of mouth rinse recipes online that are a lot more elaborate, but i'm lazy so this one works for me.

you'll soon come to learn that having random jars full of cloudy mystery liquid around the house is pretty great.

love your friendly neighbourhood kitchen cupboard alchemist,
so pauvre