fresh baked sins

what's better than a cupcake? a cupcake made of booze, that's what.

brooklyn black chocolate stout cupcakes with baileys irish cream butter cream:


word on the street is that these cupcakes "taste like a sin", which is probably the greatest compliment i could ever receive. also, i ate three of them. usually i'm so full of batter (don't eat the batter children) and frosting that i can only eat like a half of one cupcake by the time they're actually finished. plus i don't think it's actually possible for these to be cuter. green foil cups AND (new, not poisonous) shamrock sprinkles??? come on.


the baileys has been kicking around here since my christmas "i'm pouring this on my ice cream" phase and has since sealed itself up tighter than something that's sealed up really tight. so what am i gonna do? not use the baileys? go buy more baileys? OR smash a hole in the cap of the baileys with a meat thermometre?

the answer is ALWAYS smashing.

and yes, my solution to "oh shit, now the baileys is open and exposed and i'm filled with back pain medication and it's 11am so i probably shouldn't drink the rest right now" was to slap a sandwich baggie over the hole and call it a day.

this is for you jenn.

nid later complimented me on my inventive booze-getting solutions. no, this wasn't the first time i've had to smash my way into alcohol and it certainly won't be the last. always a class act.

i'm gonna go eat the rest of these now.


happy st. patrick's day!
love so pauvre

pauvre's pink tag penny sale: now open!

have you seen my new penny sale page? you should probably go there now.

do it.
love so pauvre

j'ai des problèmes

among the many negative traits i inherited from my father's genes is the gift of a bad back. i'm pretty sure we all have it because when my dad mentioned it in his eulogy of my grandfather almost everyone in the room laughed. what a legacy my grandfather left - bad backs and great hair. i guess it balances out when i look at it that way...

every day of my life my back hurts. it varies in severity from annoying to agony, but yeah, EVERY DAY. sometimes it's so bad i have to get bear to help me put my socks on. this is one of those times.

on friday i felt my back "tear" and by sunday it was so bad that all i could do was lay in bed and cry. bear took me to the emergi-centre (basically a non-free walk-in clinic) where they gave me a shot of anti-inflammatory in my bum (right in the cupcake) and two prescriptions to help my "extremely tightened and inflamed" back muscles calm the hell down. awesome. it still hurts (more than usual) and i feel a hundred years old.

right now i have seven prescriptions i have to take every day just to function. SEVEN. i'm pretty sure my liver is crying. i KNOW i'm crying. and my back is too drunk to cry. i get excited about pill organizers and the people at the pharmacy don't even ask my name anymore. this is my life children.

dr. mario says: "i'm actually a plumber!"

for someone who is "healthy" i'm pretty fucking busted.

i called my endocrinologist's office today for results of yet another blood test of my thyroid hormone levels. the nurse assured me that my levels were now "normal" and i was like "oh." she said "why? don't you feel better?" no lady. no i DON'T feel better. she told me that since my thyroid levels were normal it was basically "out of their hands" and it was up to me to figure out what the hell is wrong with my body. great.

so here i am. 31, heavily medicated, feeling like a bag of crap, with a list of doctors to call in the morning stacked on top of two weeks worth of job postings from the newspaper. basically, living the dream.

(this is why mommy drinks.)

is anyone else's body RAPIDLY deteriorating or am i just lucky? i know it could be worse. I KNOW. but can't it also be better??? i'm exhausted.

single single-handedly keeping the american medical system in business,
love so pauvre

ask so pauvre: 1000th post edition part 5

carolyn said...

ok, i have another question:

if ben and jerry asked you to create a new flavour, what would it be called and what would it contain?

dear carolyn,

if ben and/or jerry would just return my calls...

first of all i would tell them to get fucking rid of all the fucking soy in EVERY fucking flavour of their fucking ice cream. (i'm super mad at them right now.) and once that's taken care of i'd propose they make me a rose flavoured ice cream with a diabetes medication swirl called "every rose has its thorn" (the diabetes is the thorn) and there would be a picture of bret michaels holding a rose on the carton. i don't have diabetes, but i figure it can't hurt. plus, it's the best idea i've ever had.

p.s. i'm laughing hysterically as a result of my own cleverness right now. (and have been for several days...)

diabee-tis is no laughing matter.

love so pauvre

__________

cb said...

fucking crap! i have been meaning to post a question but thinking of the right one...all this pressure can make a girl go crazy!

okay okay.... if you could reincarnate yourself into ANYTHING what would it be and why?

xo,
cb

dear cb,

at first i was like "a mermaid, duh" and then i remembered that i'm actually terrified of fish/sea monsters. so i'm thinking a cavalier king charles spaniel because i figure adorable dogs have it pretty sweet. all i have to do is look at a person and they will literally do/give me whatever i want.

and what i want is everything.

plus i already make that face a lot, so i feel like it would be a natural progression.

love so pauvre

__________

thank you to everyone who participated in ask so pauvre: 1000th post edition! it's my favourite thing ever.

aaaaaand i'm STILL laughing about the bret michaels ice cream. (i'm sorry.)

forgive me bret.

love so pauvre

ask so pauvre: 1000th post edition part 4

melissa said...

what are your thoughts/plans for dec 21, 2012? Are you making any sort of preparations?

dear melissa...

if the rest of my life is any indication of what i'll be doing on december 21st of ANY year, i'll be standing behind a cash register in a store full of frantic christmas shoppers wishing i was dead. so in the event of a possible apocalypse, i will welcome it with open arms.

"welcome to whatever store this is. i'm dead inside!"

love so pauvre

__________

carolyn said...

dear so pauvre,

i'm sick of winter. i realize (in toronto) we've had a mild winter, but I'm still anxious to break out my sandals and sit in the sunshine. when can I expect that to happen?

dear carolyn...

here in the "south" (of toronto) our winter has been ridiculous. it snowed on halloween and like the second week of january. it's been so mild that i haven't even worn a winter coat or boots all season. so basically, the happiest winter of my life. it would get SLIGHTLY cold and people would be freaking out that i wasn't wearing a coat and i'd be like "obviously you've never had your eyeballs freeze".

anywho... even though we've been blessed with global warming this year, i too long for the summer (even though i hate it when it's too hot) if only for one reason: flip flops. i will wear flip flops clear into november because i hate shoes so much. shoes are like foot bras, or as my friend amanda says - "toe jails". either way.

anywho...

since i am not gifted with groundhog powers or whatever a doppler is, i'm not 100% certain as to when summer will arrive. however, i do know that when it ultimately does arrive it will rain every day. and every day that it doesn't rain, it will be a thousand degrees. but hey, flip flops!

love so pauvre

__________

your gypsy wife said...

dear so pauvre,

1. did you at any time in your life believe that you possessed psychic ability or witness a spook, specter or ghost?

2. have you ever experienced a flawless, perfect day from beginning to end?

3. a) bret or jemaine?

b) sweet or savoury?

c) paris or new york?

dear my gypsy wife...

1. i often feel that i have psychic ability, mostly through my horrifically vivid dreams, but it's not really useful to be psychic a year in advance. in my sleep. sometimes i wish i was like for real psychic, but then i think that i'm haunted enough by my own thoughts. as for spooks, specters, and/or ghosts i've never actually SEEN any, but i often think that i feel them. i'm sure it has nothing to do with being constantly haunted by own thoughts.

2. i can't say that i've ever experienced a flawless, perfect day because i'm never completely satisfied with anything ever. i'm not sure if it's obvious to those around me, but i have a short fuse (read: no fuse.) and easily explode when things don't go the way i want/expect them to. remember that time starbucks didn't have honey and i bitched every day for two years? that kind of random shit is enough to ruin my life. also, they STILL don't have honey at starbucks. (fuck.) SO even if a day is like 95% awesome, if the ketchup bottle is empty when my fries come = day ruined.

3a. jemaine. for the following reasons:

b. sweet. followed by salty. followed by sweet. followed again by salty. then finishing with sweet.

c. paris. always paris. when i told bear that i wanted to go to paris again one day he said "i'll be in the hotel with my DS." and then i said "fine. i'll be eating macarons in a beret." it's all about compromise.

love so pauvre

ask so pauvre: 1000th post edition part 3

chris c. said...

dear pauvre,

who is your favorite muppet? also, what is the best bad-good movie that you have watched in recent history?

love,

a sick bear

dear a (no longer) sick bear,

1. my muppet soul mate has always been miss piggy (because duh). we're both stylish, violent, voluptuous ladies who incorporate french words into otherwise completely english sentences for pas de raison at all. our sass levels are through the roof.

pure. sass.

2. bad-good movies, otherwise known to me as "timeless classics" are the reason our netflix suggestions contain "quirky independent movies from the 1980s", "evil kid horror movies", and "campy revenge action & adventure" . recently i watched two of the best bad-good movies i've ever seen (synopses stolen from netlix):

blown away (1992)

corey feldman and corey haim play teenage brothers wes and rich, who work at a ski lodge to earn money for their college tuitions. trouble brews when rich gets involved with sexy 17-year-old megan (nicole eggert), who soon reveals she wants her father dead. it seems megan believes her dad killed her mom, and she's out for revenge. before they know it, the boys are mixed up in a murderous plot and must put a stop to it.

with sexy results.

literal perfection.

ok, so i watched it twice in one day. obviously my initial draw was my beloved coreys, but then shit got nuts. murder, intrigue, shockingly graphic sex scenes, AND naked coreys!!! it was like a perfect gift from the instant streaming gods. i can't even really express just how shockingly graphic the sex was. or how frequent. five stars.

haim's ass: five stars

cool as ice (1991)

early 1990s rap star vanilla ice makes his feature-film debut in this hip-hop musical as motorcycle rebel johnny, who hangs tough on the good side of town in defiant pursuit of sweet-natured honor student kathy (kristin minter). romance blooms amid the dance sequences but hits a speed bump when kathy's protected-witness father, gordon (michael gross), is found out by his old enemies and only johnny and his crew can outride them.

YES.

speaking of perfect gifts - an hour and a half of vanilla ice and vanilla ice's outfits. we're talking striped shorteralls here people. if you enjoy slow motion scenes of vanilla ice frolicking on a construction site with his dream girl, this is the movie for you! five stars.

there's A LOT of frolicking.

did i mention the shorteralls say "oh yeah" on the back? because they do.

i'm really excited to see what netflix recommends based on "christopher's" interest in blown away and cool as ice.

love so pauvre/your wife

ask so pauvre: 1000th post edition part 2

trees said...

alright! question time!!

1) how did you meet husbear?

2) did you have a my little pony and what was it's name?

3) Favourite movie?

dear trees...

1. i met my wonderful husbear through plenty of fish - an online dating site (he was living in southern ontario and attending a local university at the time). after several years of dating men who both made me hate men AND myself, i got a message from bear. he was literally the only man i'd ever come in contact with who was familiar with the concepts of grammar and syntax, so immediately i was hooked. (get it? hooked.)

on our first date he took me to marble slab and i was allowed unlimited mix-ins. on our second date we went to see fantastic mr. fox and bought an air mattress. on our third date i forget what we did, but i'm sure it involved the air mattress.

and possibly wacky hats...

we dated for six months before we decided to get married because why the hell not? i sure do love that bear.

2. as a girl born in 1980 i did have several my little ponies, not nearly as many as my friend jenn - whose collection numbered into the hundreds and to this day i still covet (hi jenn!) - but yes there were ponies. between my sister and i we had all kinds - the basic first generation ponies, baby ponies, sea ponies, baby sea ponies, flutter ponies, so-soft ponies, twinkle eyed ponies, etc. and even a "big brother" pony named steamer who came with a tiny train conductor's hat and a yellow bandana for him to wear. he was the stud in my pretty parlour.

my favourite pony was skydancer - she was one of the first my little ponies to have WINGS, so automatically she was awesome. AND she was also one of the first ponies to have rainbow striped hair, so double awesome.

double awesome.

3. i don't think i could ever chose just one favourite movie because i love movies and there are so many that i love and watch over and over forever. some of my most favourite-est are: rushmore, spinal tap, best in show, adventures in babysitting, lost boys, goonies, wayne's world, welcome to the dollhouse, gangs of new york, lord of the rings... basically any movie that is either hilarious, made in the 80s or early 90s, involves one or more coreys, is made by wes anderson or christopher guest, daniel day lewis is in it and it isn't about the IRA, or heavily features dirty viggo mortensen in slow motion.

i want to go to there.

love so pauvre

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suburban hypocrite said...

dear so pauvre:

this little canadian bunny is cold and lonesome in her burrow --- care to share some bear-hunting tips?

tK :D

p.s. also, what would be your dream poutine recipe?

dear tK...

the fact that you're a canadian bunny would be enough for me if i was a bear, but other than that the best bear hunting tips i can give you are:

1. completely stop caring what other people think you are/who you think you should be. just be you. equally as important is to rid yourself of any and all expectations about the "kind" of bear you think you want to be with. it's always the one you most medium suspect.

2. it's a LOT of work - treat it like a job. both bear and i were active on several dozen online dating sites for several years before we finally deleted all of our profiles in a frenzy of hysteric joy. you definitely have to put in your time to get reap the rewards, which blows, but worth it in the end.

someone should probably buy this hillary bird print for me.

i asked bear what his bear hunting tips are and he said "gain some weight and go online". sage advice for us all. happy hunting!

3. when it comes to poutine i'm a purist. even when faced with dozens of choices all i ever want is straight up curds & gravy. extra curds. extra gravy. AND i like to eat it with ketchup even though i'm sure that's some kind of poutine sin. oh my god i want poutine.

son of a bitch.

love so pauvre