Monday, September 1, 2014

thirty days has september... 2014

after the astounding success of last year's september challenge i've decided to make it a so pauvre tradition (for reasons that i'm sure i'll regret in about four days). get ready for thirty hastily cobbled together posts that will give you a reason to live all month long! you're welcome.

 what to expect:

- tom hiddleston gifs for no reason
- lists
- baking soda
- hobo life and style
- cupcakes
- complaining
- jem
- nocturnal moments of clarity
- more hiddleston gifs

hello september, goodbye three hour naps.
love so pauvre

Monday, August 25, 2014

waiting for the lightning

i'm very cautious of ever referring to myself as a writer. ever. when i hear the word writer i immediately think of literary visionaries who changed the history of their craft forever. definitely a reasonable standard. i would much rather refer to myself as a genius revolutionary than i would a writer. a genius revolutionary who likes to sit in the dark watching netflix and gradually torturing thoughts out of herself for an inconsistent blog that she actively hides from everyone who didn't know about it in 2007, but a genius revolutionary nonetheless. hunter s. thompson i'm not, but i often think that with the right amphetamines i could really churn out some gold.


the romantic bohemian notion of being hunched over a typewriter changing the world is one that hold in extremely high esteem nestled snugly between penniless sitar player and tortured vampire musician. as much as i'd like to believe that unemployed hobo blogger is half as sexy as the aforementioned archetypes i have extreme difficulty seeing myself as something i admire. it's brutal but honest.


in mindy kaling's book is everyone hanging out without me? (and other concerns) she describes her writing style much in the same way i would describe mine - a one to seven "productive-writing-to-screwing-around ratio" and a preference for resembling a recovering tuberculosis patient when writing. mindy is a writer. and i love her.

thank you mindy.

having the shabby persian rug pulled out from under my antique writing desk like that was exactly what i needed to snap me out of my dimly lit poetic fantasy and send me directly back to my dimly lit couch burrito macbook reality.

as long as it's dimly lit.

maybe i was a writer this whole time? maybe unemployed hobo blogger is la nouvelle bohème? maybe i just need a bottle of absinthe to help me figure this whole thing out? in any case, you're stuck with me. every day i think about deleting so pauvre and retreating to the shadows to drown in existential crisis for the rest of my life. but i'm a genius revolutionary. so here i am. 

love so pauvre

Saturday, August 9, 2014

shampoo is for suckers.

recently i learned that baking soda is magical. did you know that it's NOT just for baking? it's actually the least of its powers if you can believe that. pure witchcraft.

in my productive nocturnal hours i read a lot about using baking soda instead of shampoo, and since i'm an eccentric recluse i have a lot of time to investigate crazy things i read on the internet.

the "no poo" method promises that your hair will be restored to its natural glory. stronger, thicker, shiny like the mane of a wild mustang, etc. usually i openly reject things that require effort, but my hair was actively falling out at an alarming rate at the time. like, not normal amounts of painful hair loss. i don't know if it was a side effect from one of the many pharmaceuticals that keep me from being sent off to briarcliff, the stress of working in the devil's house of wax, or a combination of both. in any case, i was trying everything to get my hair to either stop falling out or to grow back. so i mixed up the no poo solutions, sacrificed thirteen goats under a full moon, and crossed my fingers.

guess what? i stopped using shampoo and my hair stopped falling out. it could have been the ritual sacrifice, but i'm pretty sure it was the baking soda.

there are a lot of mixed feelings about no poo in the baking soda lifestyle community. you basically have to take the chance that your hair will be completely destroyed before it can be rebuilt. i naturally assumed it would be a horrible disaster for me, but it would seem that my already infrequent hair washings (once a week) made for a pretty successful transition to no poo. well well well... looks like it's finally my time to shine like the mane of a wild mustang.

after the first no pooing my hair definitely felt heavier - i'm assuming it was because the natural oils were regaining power in my scalp's ecosystem. after a week or two i noticed i didn't need to put any product in my hair because it was just naturally less frizzy and the curls were healthy and adorable all on their own. it definitely took a while for me to get used to no lather and no good smells, but i was no longer going bald. it's been almost four months and i'm lovin' la vida no poo.

so what is this magical elixir that saved my scalp? baking soda and water. followed by vinegar and water. a miracle sent from heaven or hell was sitting in my cupboards all along.

there are lots of different recipes and techniques for the no poo solutions online, but the one that works best for me is one cup of water with one tablespoon of baking soda for the wash - and one cup of water with two tablespoons of apple cider vinegar for the rinse. 

once it's rinsed from your hair you can't smell the vinegar, but if you like you can add essential oil to both potions that will make them slightly more pleasant AND provide added benefits to your cheveux! i add lavender to the wash (my mom keeps me in constant supply and it smells like pink baby lambs frolicking in the french countryside) and a blend of mint, lemon, rosemary, and eucalyptus in the rinse (it makes my scalp all tingly). the longer the solutions sit the more the oils break down, so i just keep the oils right in the shower.

no poo isn't for everyone, especially if you love lather or you don't want your head to smell like a salad at any point in your life - but if you do choose to try it please let me know how it works out for you in the comments!

now i must be off to gallop majestically through the untamed wilderness with my mahogany mane blinding all passersby! or i'll just remain indoors. probably just remain indoors.

love so pauvre

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

jem's truly outrageous superstar lessons: practice alledgedly makes perfect

it looks like the always outrageous jem is back in action dishing out life lessons that - as a hologram rock star - she is more than qualified to teach her hard knock house full of orphans.

in today's episode, dierdre learns that anything you're not instantly good at isn't worth doing. right?

for me this is where the lesson ends. it sucks and you hate it? done. go pour mommy a scotch. oh right... you're an orphan.

you probably won't. doing stuff is hard.

can it ashley. why should anyone take advice from a thief and a traitor? there's a reason you were locked in a trunk. TWICE.

here comes princess helpful. i don't really recall any trying and/or practicing involved in being a computer generated holographic rock star. jem is the worst.

we all tried dierdre. we all tried.

what's going on with dierdre's face in this frame? also, what are you still doing here jem? no one likes you.

what are we supposed to be learning here? handwriting? spelling? how to lie to everyone? oh wait, we already learned that lesson.

i'm really losing interest here jem. deirdre could be three episodes into kourtney and khloe take miami by now.

so tedious.

will you dierdre? will you? maybe you should just focus on writing your name or whatever.

so now you can play the guitar??? i give up. maybe the misfits have a bunch of orphans that need to be taught harsh lessons and have their dreams shattered. clearly my skills are NOT being appreciated here at starlight house.

i don't even know what to say to you right now.

i hate you.

love so pauvre

Monday, July 21, 2014

snapshot of the month

when i was in high school i made a picture frame from construction paper and wrote snapshot of the month on it in silver marker. i stuck it inside my locker door and instantly became the most popular girl in school. locker decor can make or break you. also, the internet barely existed and i needed something to do.

even though this isn't my locker door, and it's actually eight snapshots - from the eight months i've been partially dead - it's still basically the same deal. and stop asking me to go to prom with you.

december: christmas pizza delivery from trees

i ate a million cookies and a million xanax. christmas at the mall is hell on earth. thankfully my mailbox was always full of holiday treats! i like pizza.

january: gramma's charm bracelet

it snowed forever and my gramma died. we drove eight hours to and from canada through a frozen hellscape for her funeral and i got called in to work two hours after we got back to PA. thanks for the memories january.

 february: white death

snow. emotional trauma. crippling illness. more snow. our third anniversary! it also snowed.

march: dutch haven

road trip to dutch haven for shoo fly pie and whoopie pies! 
a much needed (windy!) day of fun for fox and bear even though everyone hated us that day. it's not always easy being popular.

april: nelvana of the northern lights

i got a new tattoo and it felt like sandpaper grinding into an open wound for two hours. totally badass. kiki painted me beautiful flash from a kate leth design and jake at the quillian tattooed it for me.
it hurt for like eight weeks.

may: deep fried dreams

bear took me to the fair and i ate a corn dog, chicken fingers and fries (dipped in cheese sauce), a lime snow cone, and a candy apple covered in sprinkles for the road. i was pretty happy.

june: wonder woman

i had so much fun getting my shin sanded that i went back to jake for more. kiki designed an amazing wonder woman for me as a companion to nelvana!
one step closer to the side show.

july: emancipation.

quit my job in the fourth circle of hell. life force gradually returning.

i guess i'll sign your yearbook. i guess.
love so pauvre

Sunday, July 20, 2014

let's try this again.

here i am.

once again i've fought my way through the battlefield of destruction and jumped off the terrifying cliff of creation. hopefully i won't end up a crumpled corpse on the jagged rocks of destruction that are located just below said cliff... but i guess i'll deal with that later.

this year has been a very emotionally challenging - more so than usual. my cozy little depression hole became a bottomless, burning coal mine from which there was seemingly no escape. all i wanted was to sit in the dark all night and eat mcdonalds. which i did pretty frequently. my job has been crippling me to the point where i would cry before, during, and after work. on my days off i cried for hours just anticipating the next day. i started to feel like having access to a drawer full of box cutters wasn't a good idea. it was bad. it was so bad that my handsome and supportive husbear said that if i wanted to quit i should quit for the sake of my own well being - and his. i refused to believe that was an option as we were already hobos with two incomes. weeks passed. crying intensified. bad things were going down.

my yearly general health check up unearthed some new and worsened physical ailments courtesy of my highly coveted career as an assistant retail manager. the doctor asked me if it was possible for me to quit my job and i said no. a few days later in my weekly therapy session my psychologist put down his note pad (that's when you know it's serious business) and said "i think you have to quit your job". not can you or do you want to. HAVE TO. this really was serious business. he said that no job is worth sacrificing my physical and mental health for, especially not a job that i hate more than i hate all the things i've ever hated. it was now or never.

and so i quit. just like that. OUT. i felt like i had been hit by a bus for a day or two and then it was like the spell was broken and everything was in colour again. i still have a week left to work, but already the unfamiliar feeling of hope has begun to stir inside me. free at last.

saturday will be my last day at the job responsible for almost killing me. i feel tremendous guilt for leaving my beloved work daughters behind, and for no longer contributing financially to my marriage, but it had to be done. i sincerely believe that - had i not quit - the drawer full of box cutters would have been in an evidence locker by october.

and so here i am - rising from the smoldering ashes, etc.

i'm sure the crippling self-doubt and panic will set in any day now, but for now i'm just going to pretend that all my problems have been magically solved forever.

love so pauvre

Thursday, June 19, 2014

a blind hobo's bounty

i'm blowing the cobwebs off this little blog to bring you the happy conclusion of the blind hobo saga!

my precious.
this beautiful bounty of cases came courtesy of my personal canadian shopper - melissa! after scouring every shopper's drug mart in the niagara region she happened across them at zehrs! who knew? i'm so fortunate to have such amazing friends who go out of their way for me even though i'm a huge pain in the ass. thank you to everyone who took the time to hunt for these elusive jewels! i promise not to ask for anything else...for at least two weeks.

thank you again meliss!
love so pauvre

Thursday, May 15, 2014

help a blind hobo

dear beloved canadian friends,

if you would like to hoard ALL of these contact lens cases from your local shopper's drug mart i will love you forever. i can paypal you CANADIAN funds in return! plus you'll get a shout out on pauvre AND instagram! so basically your dreams will all come true. apparently it's screw top cases or the highway in this country. jerks.

thank you with sprinkles on top!
love a blind hobo

a very dirty or untidy state or condition

hi! i make messes. a lot of messes. i live in a perpetual cycle of clearing off spaces just so i can make new messes on them. i'm talking about REAL messes - NOT "oops! i'm so quirky and fun that i didn't notice a few art supplies spilled onto my mid-century modern dining table, but i took this photo to show you i'm not perfect!" messes. fuck those messes.

bear calls this my pod. it's also known as my nest, my command center, my couch burrito, etc. it's one of my most expertly crafted messes. there are at least eleven misshapen couch pillows forming the base, and you'll notice my charging chords hanging over the side of the couch for easy/lazy access. oops! i'm so quirky!

own your mess. don't pretend it's not there. settle into your mess and watch netflix for seven hours. find empty jelly belly bags from february in your mess and then stuff them back into the cushions until the next time you feel like throwing them away... just as a hypothetical situation.

here's to keepin' it real.
love so pauvre

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

magic makes it all complete

when trees and i made pinkie pie cupcakes last year i never would have guessed that i would be making dozens of my little pony cupcakes over the next twelve months (and probably forever). it turns out that pony themed cupcakes are kind of my deal.

twilight sparkle was the last of the mane six to be immortalized in cupcake form mostly because i had NO IDEA what to do for her cupcakes, but also because she's the reason we're all learning valuable lessons about friendship each week. twilight moved to canterlot to study the magic of friendship and in the process discovers her own magic to be incredibly powerful/bad ass.

so it's obvious twilight's cupcakes had to be magical in some way. it's a given that they would be magically delicious, but how???

1. sprinkles!
2. swirly frosting!

see? kind of my deal.

i started with good ol' vanilla cake with some good ol' purple food colouring gel mixed in. i'm sure you've been warned before, but seriously - don't get nuts with the gel. it stains EVERYTHING it touches and you only need a drop the size of a pencil lead to blow your cake's mind with colour.

once the cupcakes were cooled i carved out little holes in each cake with a pairing knife. this part was really fun because i was just eating cake nubs for like an hour.

mmm... nubs. 

i filled each hole with star sprinkles or "magic" if you will, but then things got even more magical/erotic...

pudding. PINK pudding. oooohhhhh baby.

the colours are killing me at this point. SO pretty. i was really nervous about the frosting because i'd never made a two colour swirl before! i got this effect by filling half of my piping bag with pink and the other half with purple. i've read that you can use two piping bags - one with each colour - but who has time for that??? frankly i'm just too damn lazy.

miraculously or MAGICALLY they turned out to be perfect pink and purple dreams come true. now what about that filling?

i'm a genius.

now that i've finished the mane six i only have one or two more ponies i REALLY want to cupcake, but i'm sure i'll eventually stay up all night trying to decide who else will make the list. which pony is your favourite???

love and things no one cares about but me, 
so pauvre